Venting I want to die without hurting anyone??

[OthelloToOblivion]

I have had two years on and off thinking about suicide and the implications of it. I have self harmed before, and tend to do it by habit now when I am nervous. two friends have noticed this and it le do some interesting conversations. my parents got involved but hey believe I am doing it for attention. I would rather no one knew, so thank god they forgot about it. I haven't been actively trying to ctb but I have been reckless with my life. I'm not eating properly or sleeping properly simply because I can't be bothered. after two months of not really caring, I finally had some consequences. before today, nothing noticeable happened and so I continued to do more and more. I am now eating one meals a day so as not to arouse suspicion at home and routinely think about walking in front of a car (I stop because it is unlikely to kill me and the aftermath just seems like a mess). I think I want to ctb but I don't know. I scared that if I do, people I close with that are unstable (one has been hospitalised twice once for blood sugar levels - eating disorder and once for an OD I believe - thy dont talk about that), but I am scared if they find I ctb they may also. which yes, is incredibly hypocritical, I know.

 

[longingforrelease]

I have had two years on and off thinking about suicide and the implications of it. I have self harmed before, and tend to do it by habit now when I am nervous. two friends have noticed this and it le do some interesting conversations. my parents got involved but hey believe I am doing it for attention. I would rather no one knew, so thank god they forgot about it. I haven't been actively trying to ctb but I have been reckless with my life. I'm not eating properly or sleeping properly simply because I can't be bothered. after two months of not really caring, I finally had some consequences. before today, nothing noticeable happened and so I continued to do more and more. I am now eating one meals a day so as not to arouse suspicion at home and routinely think about walking in front of a car (I stop because it is unlikely to kill me and the aftermath just seems like a mess). I think I want to ctb but I don't know. I scared that if I do, people I close with that are unstable (one has been hospitalised twice once for blood sugar levels - eating disorder and once for an OD I believe - thy dont talk about that), but I am scared if they find I ctb they may also. which yes, is incredibly hypocritical, I know.

yes, I don't know how well documented this is, but my AA sponsor replapsed and eventually ctb (turned on the gas and went to sleep). That was about two years ago.I just learned last week that his son took his life. This is my greatest fear. I have a ten year old daughter that I must try to protect by making my death look accidental. She will suffer and grieve, I know that, but I can at least try to avoid inflicting the additional pain and trauma of her knowing that I killed myself.