I want to die but I have no sound reasons

[Cloud Busting]

I hate this. I failed to ctb and when I realized half the things I believed at the time weren't even true (mainly being a disappointment and a burden, and that people would write me off as an attention whore and never forgive me if I failed), I decided I need to hold off until I have solid reasons to.

I can no longer will myself to buy a ligature anymore, and while my CTB thoughts aren't as intense, I still experience them. I still hate myself, and still consider life to be a boring, mundane chore.

Does it get any easier? Is recovery worth it? Is it possible I can be happy one day? Or is this a fruitless exercise as I'm more likely to remain miserable in this fucked up world? I'd especially love to hear from those who have attempted.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Does it get any easier? Is recovery worth it? Is it possible I can be happy one day? Or is this a fruitless exercise as I'm more likely to remain miserable in this fucked up world? I'd especially love to hear from those who have attempted.

It's always my opinion that these are personal questions, things that we can only ask and answer ourselves. I'm not fully recovered but I am passively attempting due to having a lack of a choice.

Does it get any easier? In my opinion, no! I've been waiting for years for things to get easier or better. The reality is that life sucks, for all of us. Even the people we envy have issues in one way or another. The people who seem happiest and the most content with life still go through tough times. It's the nature of life to be unpredictable, and we only grow through adversity so it throws situations at us that will shape and morph us for the better or worse. What recovery does is give us the tools to deal with those situations better. They don't get any easier, but recovery allows us to grow so that we have more space and bandwidth to handle the uneasy things that inevitably will happen.

Can you be happy one day? I think it's possible for most people to be happy eventually, with great effort, but whether or not the effort is feasible or worth it is something that you have to, also, ask yourself. What makes you happy? What will make you happy? Is living the answer? To be honest, misery is a given. But if you decide to recover, if you devote time to healing, happiness is possible. Or, at least, little moments of relief are possible.

I can't answer whether or not it's worth it for you. In my opinion, though, if you want to try, it's worth a try. The world is a fucked up place, and it's not getting any better. But I think it's possible for some people to find their own happiness despite everything else. And maybe it's better to have tried and tried until you couldn't try anymore, so that you could be absolutely sure if the time comes where you do seriously want to throw in the towel again. You're definitely not a disappointment or a burden, and as long as you're alive, you have a chance to change things. If you think recovery is worth a chance, then it's worth a chance.

And it's okay to want to ctb without a "solid reason." What is a solid reason, anyway? Any reason is a reason, and I hope you won't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way that you feel.

 

[todienomore]

have to kill your illusions before they kill you