Venting I want to die but i don't want to CTB

[solilocry]

i don't know what to do anymore. i'm 24, i work a dead end job, i have no passions or goals for my life. i'm reaching the age where i look at everyone around me, my old friends from high school, my cousins, and realize i'm the loser. i'm the collage dropout that didn't do anything with my life. i've been alive this whole time and all i've truly managed to do was move away from my parents and as of late, i've been so incredibly homesick that i fantasize about moving in with them again even though my mother's emotional and financial abuse is what almost made me want to CTB as a teenager. i had one thing that kept me here and kept me from committing to it, and that was the dog i had to put down in february. i had him for 10 years, he was my best friend, and to me he was perfect in literally every way. he gave me a reason to get up in the mornings, he made me proud, he was my whole world, and after years of saying "if anything happens to him, i'll CTB," i'm here now. but i don't want to CTB, i just want it to happen out of my control and suddenly.

idk, i saw that video and found this forum and i'm glad i did. i just needed somewhere i could say this. i never get through on hotlines, i don't want my friends to hear this especially because one of my very closest best friends has already expressed to me that he's been thinking of CTB, and i can't tell my therapist. i can't afford to be hospitalized. i'm not in active danger to myself and i can't afford being forced into a ward right now. i'll lose everything.

i just needed to scream about all of this because i have no one who can listen. not in the way i need them to.

i want to die, i just don't want to be the one who does it. i don't want my family burdened with that. i don't want them wondering if they missed something or could've stopped it, i don't want my roommate to find me dead, i don't want to be a burden. but worst of all, i still have this stupid, naive little hope that it'll get better if i stick it out. but what if it never does? how long will it take?

my stepdad says that life is 99% god awful but we live because that 1% of true happiness is worth it. i used to believe him but i don't think i do anymore.

 

[Candy_Catalyst]

I don't know what to say, since well, I've hit a similar point in my life as well, I don't wish to CTB but life is getting pretty tiring. I can't offer advice since words like 'Hey get a hobby, find joy in life' or some shit are easier said then done and if I'm being honest, it doesn't help. But well, I'm commenting because I want to you to know that you are heard, I guess. It's the reason I came to this page after all, I don't know what I'm doing, maybe it's just a phase. To be honest I wasn't going to comment and was going to just read the replies but yea.

You can ignore this part if it's irrelevant but maybe that 1% is just that 1 good day or 1 good hour or minute. When you actually finish doing your work and the relief you feel. Or maybe that day you went out with your friends and actually enjoyed it, or when you laugh at a stupid video. It's situations that are pretty overlooked but the last phrase you wrote. It's weird because I can't describe it since I don't know you but, if it's a phrase that stuck to you for so long, for no reason at all, it's important to you right? Or it was said by someone important in your life, so believe in it a bit or even if you don't believe in yourself or if it will ever happen, believe the in person who said it.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Did you ever have any vision for your life when you were younger?

 

[girlsboysthems]

Same here, previous suicide failures really leave a mark and now that I know what will happen if I fail again is devastating and I must make sure to not fail, since I can't afford to take time off because its risky and I might lose my job. How are you coping with this situation?

 

[solilocry]

Did you ever have any vision for your life when you were younger?

ngl i cant remember most of my childhood because of trauma

Same here, previous suicide failures really leave a mark and now that I know what will happen if I fail again is devastating and I must make sure to not fail, since I can't afford to take time off because its risky and I might lose my job. How are you coping with this situation

i dunno, i just spent most of my day trying distraction after distraction until i can't find one anymore

im sorry to hear about your previous attempts, its hard, i wish i could say something that would actually help but i don't think i have the words to

 

[Sparx]

I guess there a lot of us that don't really want to do it, myself included. I don't want to hurt family & friends or experience the feelings of dying before our natural lifespan.

It's just life can become intolerable for us for whatever reason and that forces us to do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of just wanting to die at a time out of your control are very much understandable, it certainly can be so tiring feeling trapped here in this world. But anyway, best wishes, at least to me life is 100% awful.

 

[Hotsackage]

i dont necessarily want to die, and i dont want to do it at my own accord either. i just want to say F YOU to the head games my mind plays with me. but i get how you feel. neway best wishes.