toxicjester
The world’s worst jester
- Dec 11, 2023
- 21
The title is a bit stupid but I dunno. A lot of time when I think about ctb-ing I end up thinking about all the work and all the hurt I have to do and will do to others. I have younger siblings who are autistic and who had a hard time adjusting when I even just moved out. I have an older sibling who gets so sad when I talk about my stuff. I essentially take care of my gf in every way except the way that matters no matter how much I try, which sucks but still means that if I go no one's going to pay for her HRT. Not to mention the guilt it'd put on everyone.
I'd have to get my debts in order so that I don't saddle my family with all of it. I owe $1k just to my mom alone, not to mention my credit card debt, car payments, and college debt for the one year I went and then dropped out. Then I'd have to clean the room I share with my gf and get it to a point that it'd be easy to maintain even when she gets in a depressive episode. So much clothes and stuff I need to get rid of to make my packing easier. A lot of this is also similar to shit I'd have to do if I break up with her, which I don't want to do but I'm such a shit partner who can't make her happy and lately it's been hard for her to try to do the same for me.
It sucks cause I was starting to want to get my life together. I was thinking of going back to college for marine biology because I want to work at an aquarium and work with seals. They're so beautiful and amazing and I love them so much they make me so happy and now it feels like I'll never be able to do that. I can just hope that maybe in my next life I can be a cute and small harp seal, and I'll have my mama next to me and when I cry she'll be right there and the snow will be beautiful and the ocean will go on forever.
It's so much work to live but it's so much work to die. Sometimes I wish I would just die in my sleep. Or get hit by a car. Something tragic and devastating but quick and potentially peaceful depending. That way there wouldn't be guilt and if it was the car, maybe my family could get money out of it. At the least I wouldn't have to do any work
I'm so tired. I'm so lonely. I just want my mama
I'd have to get my debts in order so that I don't saddle my family with all of it. I owe $1k just to my mom alone, not to mention my credit card debt, car payments, and college debt for the one year I went and then dropped out. Then I'd have to clean the room I share with my gf and get it to a point that it'd be easy to maintain even when she gets in a depressive episode. So much clothes and stuff I need to get rid of to make my packing easier. A lot of this is also similar to shit I'd have to do if I break up with her, which I don't want to do but I'm such a shit partner who can't make her happy and lately it's been hard for her to try to do the same for me.
It sucks cause I was starting to want to get my life together. I was thinking of going back to college for marine biology because I want to work at an aquarium and work with seals. They're so beautiful and amazing and I love them so much they make me so happy and now it feels like I'll never be able to do that. I can just hope that maybe in my next life I can be a cute and small harp seal, and I'll have my mama next to me and when I cry she'll be right there and the snow will be beautiful and the ocean will go on forever.
It's so much work to live but it's so much work to die. Sometimes I wish I would just die in my sleep. Or get hit by a car. Something tragic and devastating but quick and potentially peaceful depending. That way there wouldn't be guilt and if it was the car, maybe my family could get money out of it. At the least I wouldn't have to do any work
I'm so tired. I'm so lonely. I just want my mama
