I want to ctb so badly but I'm too afraid of any pain. Life holds no interest anymore. No pleasure, just deep depression for years and years

[deathbylife]

Nothing is pleasurable anymore, I just want to scream most of the time. People disgust me. I can't even think of anything else to say

 

[jimmy7754]

all I got left is oxygen

 

[Smart No More]

Have you done all the meds and treatment with no positive results? Ketamine infusions seem really promising from what I've been reading but are only offered to people considered treatment resistant and they're inhibitingly expensive for many people. They can be convered (sometimes only partially) by insurance if you're lucky enough to have the right policy. Personally I'd be tempted to try and go down the illicit route if it proved to be an inaccessible last chance saloon thing but I would not suggest anyone else do that. It's really not clever. I would suggest having a chat with your practitioner about it though. It seems to really do something special for people. Not so much in the moment but following the infusion/experience. Using recreational ketamine is apparently bot beneficial in the same way. Not sure what's done differently though.

 

[deathbylife]

Have you donw all the meds and treatment with no positive results? Ketamine infusions seem really promising from what I've been reading but are only offered to people considered treatment resistant and they're inhibitingly expensive for many people. They can be convered (sometimes only partially) by insurance if you're lucky enough to have to right policy. Personally I'd be tempted to try and go down the illicit route if it proved to be an inaccessible last chance saloon thing but I would not suggest anyone else do that. It's really not clever. I would suggest having a chat with your practitioner about it though. It seems to really do something special for people. Not so much in the moment but following the infusion/experience. Using recreational ketamine is apparently bot beneficial in the same way. Not sure what's done differently though.

I'm 53 years old hon. I'm on Medicare and Medicaid so ketamine is ootq. I've done everything except the dangerous ones like lithium and electrical convulsive therapy, sorry I can't find my words very well because of years of being on meds. I'm below the poverty line but still have excellent credit so if I can find a partner in the partner thread I'll be excited. I appreciate your attempt to help but I'm really not here for that, have you noticed the name of this site? Thanks :)

 

[GreenerPastures]

I hear ya. Felt like this since I was a kid, and each year I thought to myself "maybe next year will be better", well, younger self I'm here to tell you 43 years later.. it does NOT get better..

 

[deathbylife]

I hear ya. Felt like this since I was a kid, and each year I thought to myself "maybe next year will be better", well, younger self I'm here to tell you 43 years later.. it does NOT get better..

Nope. Even if it does, the next time it's worse it's ten times worse. Just got off the phone with my father telling me how horrible it was to have me at home when I was young. He does not believe me about all the things my mother did to me. And I can't seem to let go of it. And all the things that followed... seems like your young years pave the way for what happens to you as you grow up. Like I said I'm 53, finished college, but never had a career, never had kids, never wanted to get married. That all makes it much easier to ctb when I decide the time is right. 20 years ago I almost succeeded but was found too early. Since then things have only gotten worse. What do you do with your time when life is a giant hellhole?

 

[GreenerPastures]

Nope. Even if it does, the next time it's worse it's ten times worse. Just got off the phone with my father telling me how horrible it was to have me at home when I was young. He does not believe me about all the things my mother did to me. And I can't seem to let go of it. And all the things that followed... seems like your young years pave the way for what happens to you as you grow up. Like I said I'm 53, finished college, but never had a career, never had kids, never wanted to get married. That all makes it much easier to ctb when I decide the time is right. 20 years ago I almost succeeded but was found too early. Since then things have only gotten worse. What do you do with your time when life is a giant hellhole?

Yup I hear you buddy. Like I said, I'm 43. I'm on my 4th wife, and first kid. I have had my three previous wife's pass away on me. First one died in a car wreck on our honeymoon, the second one died of a H overdose, and the third died of cancer. I don't believe in love at this point, but I met my current wife, things were good for the first year, had a kid, and as soon as the kid come long it allll went down hill.. never finished high school, college, ha nobody in my family done graduated from college.. and so now I drive trucks.

But yep, the unfortunate things that happen in childhood seem to domino into life permanently. Or as far as I've come to notice.

 

[deathbylife]

Yup I hear you buddy. Like I said, I'm 43. I'm on my 4th wife, and first kid. I have had my three previous wife's pass away on me. First one died in a car wreck on our honeymoon, the second one died of a H overdose, and the third died of cancer. I don't believe in love at this point, but I met my current wife, things were good for the first year, had a kid, and as soon as the kid come long it allll went down hill.. never finished high school, college, ha nobody in my family done graduated from college.. and so now I drive trucks.

But yep, the unfortunate things that happen in childhood seem to domino into life permanently. Or as far as I've come to notice.

I'm so sorry about your wives. That's so unfair. I was engaged once, but it never worked out with the guy, he was more interested in getting as drunk as possible and then pi**ing on Christmas trees at Christmas. It's hard to explain being a single female at my age but I don't really care what ppl think anymore. And I think driving trucks is an honorable profession. No need to go through the money-sucking hole of college. Thanks man, for responding, you made my night a little more bearable.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life does not interest me as well. It really is such a horrible, depressing world that we live in, and I really wish that I never existed in the first place. To me living feels so pointless. I am only still alive as ctb is so difficult, and I know that it is awful desperately wanting to leave this world, yet feeling like you are unable to. I'm sorry that you suffer so much.

 

[deathbylife]

Life does not interest me as well. It really is such a horrible, depressing world that we live in, and I really wish that I never existed in the first place. To me living feels so pointless. I am only still alive as ctb is so difficult, and I know that it is awful desperately wanting to leave this world, yet feeling like you are unable to. I'm sorry that you suffer so much.

Thank you for your reply. It helps to hear that others feel the same way. Not that I would wish those feelings on anyone else ever. But I have always felt so alone among pro lifers that I thought I was crazy or born demented or something to feel differently. I'm glad there is this place to talk to others who share the same feelings because I don't feel like the only one on earth anymore.

 

[ForbiddenSiren]

Yep people disgust me also. Im sorry you are going through this

 

[September5th]

It's so crazy how we're born just to wish we hadn't exist at all. But if we hadn't existed, how would we even feel the need to never exist? It's fucking bonkers. Life has no meaning, but it also makes no sense. The best we can do is wait for our sweet death. Believe in me, everything that seems to be good is going to crumble eventually. So, yeah, I got you.

It sucks to say, but pain is inevitable. Don't really matter if you choose to die or not. Pain is the only certainty of life. Well, I guess death is as well.

 

[outrider567]

Nothing is pleasurable anymore, I just want to scream most of the time. People disgust me. I can't even think of anything else to say

'Nothing is pleasurable any more' I hear you---been that way since January--was at Jupiter Beach the other day, walking out on the concrete breakwater, looking out at the pretty blue-green ocean, watching the boats come in, the 100 people at the beach enjoying the warm ocean,.......but all I could really see was my dead girlfriend doing what she liked most,on her small sailboat, skimming along the ocean waters, enjoying life.................Time Lost and Time Remembered

 

[Spyro24]

Nothing is pleasurable anymore, I just want to scream most of the time. People disgust me. I can't even think of anything else to say

I feel the same exact way. I usually end up crying most of the time. As for the pain, I've been thinking about suicide for a very very long time and I have only recently started to accept that almost no suicide method is painless. If I'm ever afraid, I just remind myself that the pain will be much less severe than the pain I am in now.

 

[deathbylife]

I feel the same exact way. I usually end up crying most of the time. As for the pain, I've been thinking about suicide for a very very long time and I have only recently started to accept that almost no suicide method is painless. If I'm ever afraid, I just remind myself that the pain will be much less severe than the pain I am in now.

Exactly.

It's so crazy how we're born just to wish we hadn't exist at all. But if we hadn't existed, how would we even feel the need to never exist? It's fucking bonkers. Life has no meaning, but it also makes no sense. The best we can do is wait for our sweet death. Believe in me, everything that seems to be good is going to crumble eventually. So, yeah, I got you.

It sucks to say, but pain is inevitable. Don't really matter if you choose to die or not. Pain is the only certainty of life. Well, I guess death is as well.

You said it so well. The only certainty is pain. "Death & taxes" - the others.

'Nothing is pleasurable any more' I hear ya---been that way since January--was at Jupiter Beach the other day, walking out on the concrete breakwater, looking out at the pretty blue-green ocean, watching the boats come in, the 100 people at the beach enjoying the warm ocean,.......but all I could really see was my dead girlfriend doing what she liked most,on her small sailboat, skimming along the ocean waters, enjoying life......

That sounds so painful. I'm so sorry you're going through that. You shouldn't have to suffer like that.

 

[outrider567]

Exactly.

You said it so well. The only certainty is pain. "Death & taxes" - the others.

That sounds so painful. I'm so sorry you're going through that. You shouldn't have to suffer like that.

Thank you--5 months ago today that she passed from kidney failure--like a cancer, her death is still eating away at me

 

[deathbylife]

Thank you--5 months ago today that she passed from kidney failure--like a cancer, her death is still eating away at me

If there's ever anything you need, like to talk, I can do my best to be there. Losing a loved one sucks like nothing else. I don't want anything in return, I just want to help someone else feel better.