I want to CTB, I'm scared of SI. I failed before, not doing it again until 100% fail proof.

[Klaronema]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm 24 yo. I have bpd and depression and been suffering heavily for all my life. I am either full of immense emotional pain or just empty. Life is really hard for me, I tried to find a therapist for a while but never accessed it. I read that there isn't a cure for bpd anyways.
I suffer so so much and I want to ctb.
I tried slitting my wrists and drinking myself to death. I survived both and live with the damage.
Also I had one silly attempt with store-bought balloon-gas, which I didn't realize wouldn't a) be pure b) be enough. So yeah, that doesn't really count.

I don't want to attempt again until I am certain it will work. Also I don't want anyone else involved, so I wouldn't go the train method or anything like that.
Is there a quick method to do it that I might not be aware of?

Also what's ironic: I self-harm a lot but at the same time am quite squeamish when it comes to pain. (hope that's the right word)

No one ever understand my pain and suffering, and I don't think anyone in my life would ever understand my thoughts or feelings and I'm done trying to justify my existence. I really just want to leave.

 

[The Burning Fool]

You've been using the two least reliably lethal methods. Guns and drowning have proved to be the most reliably lethal ones. My way of painless drowning in a bathtub can be found in my activity.

 

[Klaronema]

You've been using the two least reliably lethal methods. Guns and drowning have proved to be the most reliably lethal ones. My way of painless drowning in a bathtub can be found in my activity.

thanks for the reply, sorry for the dumb question but, where do I find your activity? There are no profiles to open on here, or at least I didn't manage to open profiles, can you teach me?

I have no access to firearms, I live in Germany and I'm too much of a whimp to go onto the darkweb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so cruel and awful how it's so difficult to cease existing on our own terms, I wish there's a really straightforward way to just permanently escape from this existence in peace, it would prevent so much suffering. But anyway it must be really tiring what you've been through and it sounds like you've suffered a lot so I hope that you eventually find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[The Burning Fool]

thanks for the reply, sorry for the dumb question but, where do I find your activity? There are no profiles to open on here, or at least I didn't manage to open profiles, can you teach me?

I have no access to firearms, I live in Germany and I'm too much of a whimp to go onto the darkweb.

You're welcome dear, don't worry about it.

Click on the search bar and search by member. You'll find lots of my senseless ramblings, so I'll just describe my plans here instead:

I'll take a normal dose of OTC antiemetics. I'll prepare weights, about 5 kg that I can later tie to my neck. I'll prepare vodka with ginger (natural antiemetic) and water (dilution also reduces chances of throwing up) and start drinking it slowly. I might also prepare an enema or syringe of undiluted vodka to administer rectally or intravenously when I'm already very drunk. After an hour or so of drinking, I'll lie in a bit of warm water to get sleepy, and start filling the tub slowly while the weights are tied around my neck. That's also when I shoot or boof the rest of the vodka if I want. But maybe I can get drunk enough by drinking, and then I pass out and drown.

I don't recommend this for any attempts though, because it's very likely to be fatal. Being discovered and rescued can lead to surviving with brain and liver damage or whatever.

 

[AlouA]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm 24 yo. I have bpd and depression and been suffering heavily for all my life. I am either full of immense emotional pain or just empty. Life is really hard for me, I tried to find a therapist for a while but never accessed it. I read that there isn't a cure for bpd anyways.
I suffer so so much and I want to ctb.
I tried slitting my wrists and drinking myself to death. I survived both and live with the damage.
Also I had one silly attempt with store-bought balloon-gas, which I didn't realize wouldn't a) be pure b) be enough. So yeah, that doesn't really count.

I don't want to attempt again until I am certain it will work. Also I don't want anyone else involved, so I wouldn't go the train method or anything like that.
Is there a quick method to do it that I might not be aware of?

Also what's ironic: I self-harm a lot but at the same time am quite squeamish when it comes to pain. (hope that's the right word)

No one ever understand my pain and suffering, and I don't think anyone in my life would ever understand my thoughts or feelings and I'm done trying to justify my existence. I really just want to leave.

I'm also really scared of SI, and my methods for ctb are limited .. I just find the fact that even passing requires "privilege", such as if we chose to die it will need a lot of effort on our part, a lot of deliberate preparations too if we wanna go with little to no pain at all, with that we need "money" since we'd have to buy chemicals needed for it..

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry pain sffr, rly cruel this wrld no mthod, but if want 100% this rly cmplct mayb gas n2 co wrk, n v hard get, sn , othr think v hard do 100%

 

[Klaronema]

I'm in so much pain I can't describe it. I got disappointed again and again and again and again and I can't take it anymore, I'm in so much pain and there is nothing and no one that can help me, I can't breathe, it's like I am burning alive.
I don't want to go through this bullshit anymore, I know it's all in my head, but there's nothing I can do. I can't stop it. I can't do anything. I just want to end it already. I can't. do. this. At least not for long. So many years of suffering I'm done. I'm DONE. I screamed for help. I yelled out so loud but I ignored and ignored and now I'm too far gone.
I. Want. To. DIE.
Please. Just make this endless suffering go away, I want to fade into nothingness, I am seriously exhausted. Please. Just any method, any lethal method. I am ready to do it now. Fuck my life.
I have decided I want to try SN, I made a seperate thread for that. Starting to research and prepare, you guys can help me if you want to.

 

[AnonGermany]

Hey and welcome to this community. I am sorry that life brought you to this dark little corner of the Internet :( some of the features like search function, private messages etc. will be unlocked after you have spend some time and made some posts here.

Its always very saddening to read about people having experienced multiple suicide attempts, as if one attempt isnt already mind damaging enough.

I wish you all the best with your research here. I also picked SN since its one of the more available options here in germany.

 

[H4ku._.]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm 24 yo. I have bpd and depression and been suffering heavily for all my life. I am either full of immense emotional pain or just empty. Life is really hard for me, I tried to find a therapist for a while but never accessed it. I read that there isn't a cure for bpd anyways.
I suffer so so much and I want to ctb.
I tried slitting my wrists and drinking myself to death. I survived both and live with the damage.
Also I had one silly attempt with store-bought balloon-gas, which I didn't realize wouldn't a) be pure b) be enough. So yeah, that doesn't really count.

I don't want to attempt again until I am certain it will work. Also I don't want anyone else involved, so I wouldn't go the train method or anything like that.
Is there a quick method to do it that I might not be aware of?

Also what's ironic: I self-harm a lot but at the same time am quite squeamish when it comes to pain. (hope that's the right word)

No one ever understand my pain and suffering, and I don't think anyone in my life would ever understand my thoughts or feelings and I'm done trying to justify my existence. I really just want to leave.

Hallo, Ich denk mal es ist vielleicht angenehmer für dich wenn ich in deiner sprache schreibe.
Ich bin nämlich auch von Deutschland und auch im Besitz von Schusswaffen, toxischen Substanzen welche dir eventuell dabei helfen könnten.

Falls du Interesse hast würde ich allerdings lieber woanders weiterschreiben wo nicht jeder mitlesen kann.

 

[snowcloud9]

If you want reliable, jump off a bridge. Not painless, but reliable. If the fall doesn't kill you, the water will. There's good reason it's so common.

 

[Klaronema]

Hallo, Ich denk mal es ist vielleicht angenehmer für dich wenn ich in deiner sprache schreibe.
Ich bin nämlich auch von Deutschland und auch im Besitz von Schusswaffen, toxischen Substanzen welche dir eventuell dabei helfen könnten.

Falls du Interesse hast würde ich allerdings lieber woanders weiterschreiben wo nicht jeder mitlesen kann.

Wo möchtest du denn weiterschreiben?

 

[Klaronema]

Hallo, Ich denk mal es ist vielleicht angenehmer für dich wenn ich in deiner sprache schreibe.
Ich bin nämlich auch von Deutschland und auch im Besitz von Schusswaffen, toxischen Substanzen welche dir eventuell dabei helfen könnten.

Falls du Interesse hast würde ich allerdings lieber woanders weiterschreiben wo nicht jeder mitlesen kann.

Kannst du dich bitte bei mir melden, ich kann mich hier nicht mehr mit dir in verbindugn setzen.

 

[Klaronema]

Hello. Update. I'm feeling a lot better these days. I don't think I will ctb anytime soon, I have been feeling very hopeful recently. Changing perspective and being thankful for some people in my life and alos online has helped me a lot. I will not be visiting this site too often for a good while I hope. I wish you all the best.