I want to ctb halfway to give me a spiritual jolt

[BeautifulMosaics]

I feel desperate at a crossroads. Basically I am riddled with apathy, executive functioning disorder, mental-paralysis and perfectionism which is the root of my issues. I wouldn't be in an unhappy living situation if I had the drive to persue the things I want. I wouldn't have limited future prospects if I had the ability to commit to university. I've been tested for ADHD by NHS but they said no. This was 4 years ago. I'm sure stimulants would help but that's a door closed to me unless I go private and even then I don't know if I'll get what I want. And maybe I don't have the energy for all that.

I want to create music but as I said I'm mentally paralysed. There's a block before everything I want to do.

I have read that people who fail an attempt to ctb can have NDEs that reawaken their spirits and make them see life is worth living and their problems are put into perspective.

I just feel desperate as over the holiday period my living situation is very toxic and unhappy as we are all in the same house. It's pushing me to make to change. And since I'm so depressed and have so many deep rooted issues it just seems impossible and hopeless to try and do it some other way (like a full time job - I couldn't cope), and since I was potentially going to ctb anyway, why not?

If I die idk if I'd mind too much anyway - only one way to find out.

My issues are feeling guilty about:

Wasting NHS time and resources.
The nurses and doctors time and energy.
Lying to family about what my intentions were from the jump.
The embarassment I'd feel about being that loser who tried to kill herself (no offense to anyone, but those are what I'm paranoid others may think about me)

EDIT: Thank you everyone. I might as well go down the psychedelic route before doing something so risky. I will research it thoroughly; I can't play around with my mental health smh. However I'd still love to hear from people who've had this experience.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It may be just me, but not sure trying ctb halfway is a good way to go. I don't think ctb is anything to play with. I think it should be an all-in/not-in proposition. YMMV. Good luck if you do this.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Psychedelics are a MUCH safer way to achieve something like this. I've been there bb it sucks, a huge life-changing event is what got me to change, and I've succeeded at using psychs in the past for a similar effect

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Psychedelics are a MUCH safer way to achieve something like this. I've been there bb it sucks, a huge life-changing event is what got me to change, and I've succeeded at using psychs in the past for a similar effect

Silly me, about three people have suggested this to me lol. Which one did you take?

 

[Dizzylady80]

Silly me, about three people have suggested this to me lol. Which one did you take?

For me it was 25-B but I'd steer clear of that. Shrooms or dmt are better, so is acid

 

[Pluto]

I have read that people who fail an attempt to ctb can have NDEs that reawaken their spirits and make them see life is worth living and their problems are put into perspective.

I realise I'm a bit late, but I can add a few things here.

Firstly, only a small minority of people who reach a technically dead state have an NDE. Of that minority, only a small number involve a spiritually transformative experience (STE) that reinvigorates a passion for worldly life. We've had quite a few NDE experiencers here who only have their desire to CTB increased after tasting the bliss of the other side.

Regarding psychedelics, the one most often claimed to offer STEs is 5-MEO-DMT. It is very important to have help from someone you can trust as this is intense stuff. There is a website that is largely dedicated to this topic which would be worth checking out. Also, ayahuasca is reputed that a single trip can bring significant life changes, though not all experiences are positive.

Actual spiritual exercise are of course also a pathway. The most hardcore flavour is nonduality, though again this can be somewhat dangerous without guidance. This is why similar practices are often incorporated into quasi-religious settings such as the tradition of Zen Buddhism, which should ensure ongoing support from a master. A very good starting point would be reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which has been somewhat transformative in itself for many.

It is rarely possible to make headway without incorporating the hard work of working through past traumas, emotional blockages and thought disorders. Spiritual bypassing is rarely possible. Though being in an environment where this topic is routinely discussed is immensely valuable. If you're interested, perhaps we can at least have a megathread on this topic? I think I'd live there. :)

 

[releasespieces]

Try DMT or ayahuasca… it's been said that you'll experience what happens when you die, but the difference is you won't risk death at all. It's life transforming.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Could you do something that feels like a near death experience- like sky dive or something? Maybe that's a crap suggestion but I'm sure you'd get one hell of an adrenaline rush.

Think the problem with 'almost' dieing is you may just end up alive but incapacitated in some way.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Could you do something that feels like a near death experience- like sky dive or something? Maybe that's a crap suggestion but I'm sure you'd get one hell of an adrenaline rush.

Think the problem with 'almost' dieing is you may just end up alive but incapacitated in some way.

Thank you but I don't think that would be enough, and SN currently has no known survival consequences which is good x

 

[releasespieces]

I should start reading other posts before I respond. Just realized a bunch of members suggested the same thing. Seriously give those drugs a go with experienced trip sitter supervision.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Just realised I'd have to SOURCE the psychedelics and I literally have no-one in my circle who does drugs

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Just want to update everyone and thank them so much for introducing me to psychedelics - your sharing information has given me hope in life.

I've done some research and discovered micro-dosing and how shrooms are allegedly better than anti-depressants for many people and how they open their minds. The fact that there's a potential this could break the mental shackles that have held me back for most of my life has given me hope.

I'm currently growing my own shrooms and will update on Sasu if they help

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I'm currently growing my own shrooms and will update on Sasu if they help

Please do. I for one will be watching with interest. At this point I'm willing to try anything

 

[Shu]

Just want to update everyone and thank them so much for introducing me to psychedelics - your sharing information has given me hope in life.

I've done some research and discovered micro-dosing and how shrooms are allegedly better than anti-depressants for many people and how they open their minds. The fact that there's a potential this could break the mental shackles that have held me back for most of my life has given me hope.

I'm currently growing my own shrooms and will update on Sasu if they help

That's awesome
Macrodosing can sometimes give you that NDE experience. I'd recommend starting out slow though.