i want to ctb, but there are things i want to live for (vent)

[LowlyBoy]

i'm so tired all the time. my depression has fully taken over, i think.
i want so badly to ctb; it's comforting to be in that state of waiting. waiting until that date because that's when it'll all be over. it makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to.
i already have a way out if i really need to ctb, but i don't think i can any time soon. not with the realization that i'll be leaving all of my cats behind. that's the reason i cant leave yet. because i don't want my babies to wonder where i went and be waiting for me to come back. it breaks me when i think of that. i also want to foster kids and animals later in life, but i just need to wait a few more years of deadnaming and misgendering (i'm trans).
i can only take so much pain before something gives.. i'm currently relying on sh and restricting my diet to try to cope with my suicidal thoughts.
my problem is every time i get urges to ctb, i never tell anyone. i feel like then they'll ask me a bunch of questions and try to stop me from ctb, which is probably a good thing, but not to suicidal me in that headspace. i can't let them sabotage me if i really need to leave.
i have a therapist (and she's very nice), but i still struggle talking about this with her. i've never been able to just talk about my suicidal ideation without people making it into a huge deal.
it feels like if i kms, then people (specifically my mother) would finally care about me. finally realize that i was in so much pain i couldn't take living anymore.
is it wrong to say i want them to feel guilty for not doing anything while i was still alive?
what does my pain matter if no one else realizes how bad it was? i'm sick of being blown off.
i want my friends to finally connect why i went virtual for the past school year and why i never text them anymore or why i never eat at school or why i have bandaids all over my arms.
every time i get called a girl, or my deadname, i can literally visualize a razor cutting into my arm, slicing it open, to the point where i can see my bones. of course, i'm too much of a pussy to go that far because i don't like pain, ironically enough.
i feel like people will never understand how gut-wrenching and physical the pain i feel is when i get misgendered unless i end my life because of it. it's like nails on a chalkboard in my head, static, and high-pitched bellowing in my heart, as if it's being clawed apart.
i don't know. i guess i just want people to care.
but i can't leave my cats behind, and i want to stay for the future kids and animals i want to help.
so i guess i'll suffer until the end of the world happens i guess.


sorry for the kind of long vent. i haven't really posted anything on here before and thought typing out what i'm currently going through would help. thanks for reading if you got this far

 

[HighFlight]

Thank you for sharing. I'm still new myself, but the community here seems to be very open and accepting. It's a wonderful place to vent without judgement. The stories like yours help me in so many ways, like being able to keep my life in perspective while struggling with my own pain So, I think you do matter. Maybe stick around and see how many others you can help.

Hopefully, you can find some peace among this group.

 

[LowlyBoy]

Thank you for sharing. I'm still new myself, but the community here seems to be very open and accepting. It's a wonderful place to vent without judgement. The stories like yours help me in so many ways, like being able to keep my life in perspective while struggling with my own pain So, I think you do matter. Maybe stick around and see how many others you can help.

Hopefully, you can find some peace among this group.

thank you so much yeah, i think this community is what i needed right now- to just be able to say what i'm truly feeling without the fear of judgement. i really hope you can find peace with your own pain as well, friend

 

[HighFlight]

@LowlyBoy - I have so many questions I'd like to ask you, but don't want to intrude. In fear of being shunned by this community, let me explain. And know that you do not have to even respond if you're uncomfortable.

My 21 yo son may be somewhere in the LGBTQ+ spectrum, although he is no out yet. My speculation is based totally on superficial observation such as clothes he wears, hair style, mannerisms, toys he leaves lying around his room. Regardless of who he is, he is still my child, and he will always be welcome here, unconditionally. But I often wonder if he would be happier if he could be his authentic self, at least around home.

It sounded like you may have had a different reaction with your mom. If you are up for sharing, I would be interested in knowing what happened with your mom, and what suggestions you might have for me in dealing with my son.

Again, please only respond as you are comfortable, either here or you can pm me. Thank you.

 

[catowice]

@LowlyBoy - I have so many questions I'd like to ask you, but don't want to intrude. In fear of being shunned by this community, let me explain. And know that you do not have to even respond if you're uncomfortable.

My 21 yo son may be somewhere in the LGBTQ+ spectrum, although he is no out yet. My speculation is based totally on superficial observation such as clothes he wears, hair style, mannerisms, toys he leaves lying around his room. Regardless of who he is, he is still my child, and he will always be welcome here, unconditionally. But I often wonder if he would be happier if he could be his authentic self, at least around home.

It sounded like you may have had a different reaction with your mom. If you are up for sharing, I would be interested in knowing what happened with your mom, and what suggestions you might have for me in dealing with my son.

Again, please only respond as you are comfortable, either here or you can pm me. Thank you.

There are a few things I found to be very hard to deal with about gender identity:

• The uncertainty of "what the other person is going to do" when either coming out or being questioned about gender/gender expression.
• Self-validation. You may be accepting him (if that's a him), but himself is not that so, and that easily creates the dreadful question of "am I X enough" or "what am I".
• Fear. The world is not as accepting as you are.

Believe me when I say I still haven't overcame these, and I may, too, disappear for the same reason as the OP.

The easy part is that he would be happier if he's his authentic self. The hard part is what is even his authentic self. That will take a lot of experiments and freedom for self-discovery, however long it takes. If he already knows who he is, that makes it easier. It's ok to even come back and/or undo anything you've said about yourself, as long as you get to experience and get something out of it.

I strongly suggest getting professional advices on how to help a close one with self-discovery and gender expression, with as much acceptance as you are having now in mind. This is a zone where it's extremely easy to get wrong unintentionally, so start showing you are willing to learn about the world as much as he's willing to learn about himself.

 

[LowlyBoy]

@LowlyBoy - I have so many questions I'd like to ask you, but don't want to intrude. In fear of being shunned by this community, let me explain. And know that you do not have to even respond if you're uncomfortable.

My 21 yo son may be somewhere in the LGBTQ+ spectrum, although he is no out yet. My speculation is based totally on superficial observation such as clothes he wears, hair style, mannerisms, toys he leaves lying around his room. Regardless of who he is, he is still my child, and he will always be welcome here, unconditionally. But I often wonder if he would be happier if he could be his authentic self, at least around home.

It sounded like you may have had a different reaction with your mom. If you are up for sharing, I would be interested in knowing what happened with your mom, and what suggestions you might have for me in dealing with my son.

Again, please only respond as you are comfortable, either here or you can pm me. Thank you.

I think it's best to wait until he's comfortable telling you, if he's even apart of the LGBTQ community at all. Let him know you're okay with it by maybe making a comment or bringing it up for discussion naturally. I know I was extremely terrified to come out to my dad, even though he said he would accept me for whoever I was before I came out to him. That's probably because we have a strange dynamic that'll take too long to get into now, but in short, he raised me and my sister almost military style (because he was in the military) so I grew up being scared of him. That probably doesn't apply to your situation with your son, though.
As for my mother, she didn't handle my coming out as transgender very well. It was a few years ago (i literally just came out to my dad a few months ago-) so she's gotten used to it since then. At first, she thought I was confused. We would get into arguments in our kitchen and in the car because she didn't believe me just because I wasn't presenting as masculine at the time. It really hurt, and I think that's around the time I started to become suicidal.
My mother would blow my feelings off and act as if I was doing it for attention, or to spite her. I remember using the men's bathroom for the first time in JC Penny and telling her. It was insane how mad she got. I still don't like going to that JC Penny now. She didn't know I was hurting myself at the time (with my nails or a pencil because I didn't have access to any blades) and it wasn't until I told my primary care doctor about my depression and suicidal thoughts in front of her that she knew.
What kind of mom would get mad at their child for wanting to end their life? My mom. Even after realizing I was suicidal, she didn't show an ounce of affection. Up to this day, she hasn't told me she loved me in person, only through text. I can't talk to her about my feelings because I know she'll just downplay them. She does the same to my sister, who I think is taking it harder than I did. I wish we could have different parents for her.
I know I'm making it sound like my mom's a terrible, evil person, but she's the reason I'm able to get in touch with a doctor who is currently helping me in the process of starting testosterone. She doesn't even compare to my dad.
Wow, writing this out made me realize how fucked up my parents are- yeah, please don't be like mine

 

[carac]

I dont really feel equiped to help you but just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. This is quite a cool place where people can come and really truly open up about their darkest fears and thoughts. You have have probably been told this countless times already but all I can say is things can definitely change, they did for me and I thought I was in an impossible position, stuck in misery forever. Also try not to lock yourself away, as hard as it must be to to face the world

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

@LowlyBoy You are loved and accepted for who you are. In this community, you will always be welcomed and loved.
Shitty parents are awful. I'm older than you and have no kids mainly because of how shitty and abusive my parents were. You can't change yours but you can manage how you deal with them. When you get older you can cut them out of your life.

 

[HighFlight]

I strongly suggest getting professional advices on how to help a close one with self-discovery and gender expression

My son is suffering from multiple issues, and I'm concerned that gender identity might be a part of it. He will come out when he's ready and on his own terms with no pressure from me. I just wish I had a way to convey that it's OK, and I'll still be there for him regardless. Also, there is an open and standing offer for any type of professional help he would like. So far, he has refused all treatment.

And thank you for the insight about finding his authentic self. This was something I didn't consider, but looking back, makes a lot of sense.

What kind of mom would get mad at their child for wanting to end their life?

A mom who is scared about losing their child. Parents are human too and don't always make the best choices is how they display their emotion. (This is NOT an excuse for abusive or uncaring parents - they fall into a different category in my mind.) Hopefully, this is something time can heal, as she becomes more open and understanding. If possible, help her learn about who you are.

But @JealousOfTheElderly is correct - here, you are loved and accepted for who you are.

 

[catowice]

My son is suffering from multiple issues, and I'm concerned that gender identity might be a part of it. He will come out when he's ready and on his own terms with no pressure from me. I just wish I had a way to convey that it's OK, and I'll still be there for him regardless. Also, there is an open and standing offer for any type of professional help he would like. So far, he has refused all treatment.

And thank you for the insight about finding his authentic self. This was something I didn't consider, but looking back, makes a lot of sense.

Ah, no offense, but I meant professional support for you X)

If you're uncertain about this and want to learn how to show more support, then maybe you're the one who needs pro advices at this specific stage. After all you're the only one already armed with the leverage of trust, the rest is to learn and willingness to learn on how to tread this vast open field.\

If you already did then you're doing good, keep it up and all the best. It's his fight after all.

You're also welcome, and I thank you for that as well. It definitely made my day that I can help someone.

 

[LowlyBoy]

I dont really feel equiped to help you but just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. This is quite a cool place where people can come and really truly open up about their darkest fears and thoughts. You have have probably been told this countless times already but all I can say is things can definitely change, they did for me and I thought I was in an impossible position, stuck in misery forever. Also try not to lock yourself away, as hard as it must be to to face the world

Thank you. It truly helps to know I can come here and not have to face this alone.

@LowlyBoy You are loved and accepted for who you are. In this community, you will always be welcomed and loved.
Shitty parents are awful. I'm older than you and have no kids mainly because of how shitty and abusive my parents were. You can't change yours but you can manage how you deal with them. When you get older you can cut them out of your life.

I know- I wish I could just skip these next few years of my life so I can be able to make my own choices and get away from my parents.

But @JealousOfTheElderly is correct - here, you are loved and accepted for who you are.

thank you guys so much it means a lot to me that I now have this community to fall back on

 

[HighFlight]

Ah, no offense, but I meant professional support for you X)

No offense taken, and I appreciate the advise and am working on it. Ironically, I'm here for myself, and failure as a parent is just one of numerous issues I'm dealing with. (And before anyone can say it, no, I don't feel like a failure because of his potential gender identity issues. I've let him and his brother down in too many ways, I now I see them suffering for it.)