I want to ctb but I am too much of a coward and have no energy.

[unhopeful]

I do want to desperately end my life but, ironically, am scared of inflicting pain upon myself. I can't even bring myself to cut my wrists to relieve pain. It's so stupid.

I know for certain that I don't want to live. I am so physically and mentally tired of life and don't have anything more to look forward to. I know this is the end of my journey. But, I am drained. I don't have the mental energy or motivation to do anything. I do not have the energy to do the proper research to procure the items I'd need to end my life.

Also, before my death. I know that I would want to set up a proper will to ensure my assets don't get stolen by my narcissistic mother and siblings. I'd want to pack up my things in boxes and donate what I can, so whoever finds me doesn't have to deal w the hassle and inconvenience. I'd want to write letters of apologies to my friends. But all of that requires so much of the mental energy that I currently don't have. I barely can get out of bed to brush my teeth, shower and eat everyday.

How does one overcome fear and the mental battle to just end it all? How do I fight SI? I feel like I'm so much of a coward. It makes me hate myself even more.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so cruel and horrible how we cannot just have the option to easily cease existing in peace in a guaranteed way when we wish to, I don't believe one is cowardly if they struggle to ctb in this society where it's cruelly made so inaccessible and difficult for people. But anyway best wishes and I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, I understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped here, I hate how existence doesn't come with an permanent offswitch to find peace from all the suffering.

 

[Thisisme373]

I relate to you a lot, it's horrible, if only there were a button to press that just ends it all in an instant

 

[Young.Werther]

I don't really have any answers. Some things you could try:
1) breaking tasks down. Write one letter a day/week. Take it slow.
2) idk how to summon motivation. Sometimes it helps to be almost there. Sort of like when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel you get a burst of energy to finish up. It's tough though. If you find any better answers do tell.