shylady222
Member
- Dec 6, 2025
- 19
Last night I had finally made up my mind that I was going to make my attempt ctb once I left my daughter's house. I wrote 2 suicide notes one to my mother that I mailed the other to my 4 daughters that I left in a place they wouldn't think to look with the intention of telling them where to find it once I finished setting up. I had all my necessary items in the car and before leaving I took a sleeping pill that would take at least 20-30 minutes to kick in giving me more than enough time to reach my destination and setup. I even bought a sheet and blanket to spread out in my back seat because I planned to make myself comfortable while I slept. Well I started driving, since it was after 3am there wasn't traffic so I reached my destination less than 10 minutes but instead of stopping I kept going and started frustratingly driving in circles for nearly an hour. I finally stopped in an empty parking lot that was dark (not my original place) thinking this will do but as soon as I went to get out of the car all the street lights came on as if watching me so I got back in my car and drove some more. By this point I was hoping the sleeping pill would kick in and make fall asleep behind the wheel so I could crash but nothing happened and I just found myself driving fast until I was back in my daughters neighborhood, by this time it was after 4am. I then pulled into their apartment complex sat in the car mad at myself, the world, the universe, mad for my existence, mad for selfishly bringing my daughters into this world, into my toxicity, mad that I couldn't put me first and just do what I wanted to do so I could (hopefully) ctb and I cried hard because I really want to die and I'm fine with suicide but I couldn't bring myself to do it not because I was scared, or didn't want to actually I was feeling peaceful when I left even playing music and happily singing along I visualized this day for months and was ready (or so I thought." But as I was driving all I kept thinking about were my daughters. Anyway I got out of the car and went to their place opened the door (I have my own keys) tearfully woke them up, when they all woke up I confessed to them that I am suicidal and that I was so close to doing it but for some reason couldn't do it although I hate my life and really want to die. Watching my daughters breakdown hurt me in the most unimaginable way but at the same time it's like I felt the deserved to know the pain I've been in for years since childhood.
A quick background I'm 46, and the youngest of five. My mother had 3 daughters before having my brother and as she told me she thought she was on a role and would have another son (her words) "and here you come." This let me know since a little girl I was unwanted and that my birth was a disappointment to not only her but to my father and family as well. I endured bullying throughout my childhood with my first bullies being the family I lived with in my house and outside my house, I remember copying my brother and one of my older sisters hoping it'll get my mother to give/show me the love and attention she gave them but it never worked instead I got yelled at for being a "copycat." It wasn't until I turned 13 or 14 that my mother, siblings, and family started changing positively towards me and I accepted the change but i didn't realize the years prior was shaping me. Without realizing it I became a people pleaser, learned to not speak up, to keep things in, to not defend myself etc. and it lead to me being a pushover that got bullied in my new neighborhood. Fast forward I got pregnant at 16 and by the time I was 24 I had 4 kids, I was with him for nearly 11 years, he was my first boyfriend/husband he was also the first guy to emotionally, mentally, verbally, and financially abuse me but at the time I didn't realize it was abuse because he wasn't physically harming me. At this point not only did I endure abuse from him, abuse/bullying in my family, neighborhood but I also was a survivor of childhood sa abuse and I was with him for so long (ages 16-27) and had a messed up start in life, my formulative years had passed so to me toxicity and abuse felt normal and it's what I navigated towards. Feeling like I had to prove myself for people to "want me" felt right and normal to the point that the one relationship I had where I was genuinely wanted and loved flaws and all made me uncomfortable so I harshly dumped him.
My daughters are now all adults and I failed them as a mother. I say this because I never poured into them emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. things like confidence, strength, hope, positivity etc. I couldn't give them because it was never poured into me and I didn't realize children need those things poured into them. All I knew was that I had to raise them and that's what I did. I learned to suffer with my depression in silence, suppressing it and functioning well in society, going with the motions. Working, coming home, tending to my daughters, toxic relationships, no friends, etc. and that became my way of life, but although I didn't pour into them I constantly told them to be better than me, to wait to have kids, to leave at the first sign of abuse even verbally, that if it makes you feel a way you don't like and your partner doesn't apologize and stop walk away, to be good to themselves first etc. and I'm proud to say they have done so much better than me. But my depression took its toll and like a sudden flood everything came crashing down on me, everything I've ignored, suppressed etc. hit me hard knowing I was never wanted, knowing I was abused, knowing I became codependent on my daughters to survive, loneliness, knowing nothing but negativity I couldn't run from it anymore. I apologized to my daughters for having them and told them that I regret having them. I explained to them this wasn't because I didn't love them but it's because I now realized how bad things were emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. for me back then and I had no business having kids in the state I was in. And they understood what I meant. When I told them how close I came to ending me my 3rd daughter said " if you did it and succeeded then how were we supposed to move on?" And I couldn't answer because she has a point. I didn't know how bad my well being was when I had them, I didn't understand the depths of it. But that's not their fault, they didn't ask to be here and I have right to just leave them the way I wanted even though I really want to ctb. So here I am today forced to live although I don't want to. I feel like this is my karma like I selfishly bought them into this world and became dependent on them for my survival so now I must keep surviving for them and I can't be mad at it because they didn't ask to be here. They wanted to put me in a psych ward but I told them I wasn't going, so now they're looking into therapy for me but I believe it's useless because I've been through therapy several times but even therapists can't help me get to the why. I mean I know why I stayed in abusive toxic relationships, I know why I became a people pleaser etc. but I don't get why I was blamed for being a girl, why no one defended and protected me I mean not one adult said "it's wrong to treat her like this" I don't get why people just didn't like me. I don't why I had 4 girls, and yes I wanted a son but I never looked at any of my daughters with disappointment that none of them were a boy, therapy can't help with this. My method was going to be carbon monoxide by charcoal burning. I had two ways I was going to do it first burning it on grill and also putting some in a lid covered frying pan and letting it heat up on my portable stove, I figured this would definitely work and produce a lot of carbon monoxide and since sleeping pills were in my system I'd fall asleep fast. My daughters threw away everything. So here I am in the bathroom writing this and crying wondering how parents do it, how they can put themselves first and make themselves ctb leaving their kids behind and I envy them because it's what I want to do but I don't think I'll ever be able to. I now have to call my mother and explain the letter she'll be receiving in a few days, I feel like after doing this my family will suddenly start being fake reaching out to me but I really don't want that. I haven't spoken to them in years like over ten years so it makes no sense now to show me fake concern.
Anyway thank you for reading my long vent.
A quick background I'm 46, and the youngest of five. My mother had 3 daughters before having my brother and as she told me she thought she was on a role and would have another son (her words) "and here you come." This let me know since a little girl I was unwanted and that my birth was a disappointment to not only her but to my father and family as well. I endured bullying throughout my childhood with my first bullies being the family I lived with in my house and outside my house, I remember copying my brother and one of my older sisters hoping it'll get my mother to give/show me the love and attention she gave them but it never worked instead I got yelled at for being a "copycat." It wasn't until I turned 13 or 14 that my mother, siblings, and family started changing positively towards me and I accepted the change but i didn't realize the years prior was shaping me. Without realizing it I became a people pleaser, learned to not speak up, to keep things in, to not defend myself etc. and it lead to me being a pushover that got bullied in my new neighborhood. Fast forward I got pregnant at 16 and by the time I was 24 I had 4 kids, I was with him for nearly 11 years, he was my first boyfriend/husband he was also the first guy to emotionally, mentally, verbally, and financially abuse me but at the time I didn't realize it was abuse because he wasn't physically harming me. At this point not only did I endure abuse from him, abuse/bullying in my family, neighborhood but I also was a survivor of childhood sa abuse and I was with him for so long (ages 16-27) and had a messed up start in life, my formulative years had passed so to me toxicity and abuse felt normal and it's what I navigated towards. Feeling like I had to prove myself for people to "want me" felt right and normal to the point that the one relationship I had where I was genuinely wanted and loved flaws and all made me uncomfortable so I harshly dumped him.
My daughters are now all adults and I failed them as a mother. I say this because I never poured into them emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. things like confidence, strength, hope, positivity etc. I couldn't give them because it was never poured into me and I didn't realize children need those things poured into them. All I knew was that I had to raise them and that's what I did. I learned to suffer with my depression in silence, suppressing it and functioning well in society, going with the motions. Working, coming home, tending to my daughters, toxic relationships, no friends, etc. and that became my way of life, but although I didn't pour into them I constantly told them to be better than me, to wait to have kids, to leave at the first sign of abuse even verbally, that if it makes you feel a way you don't like and your partner doesn't apologize and stop walk away, to be good to themselves first etc. and I'm proud to say they have done so much better than me. But my depression took its toll and like a sudden flood everything came crashing down on me, everything I've ignored, suppressed etc. hit me hard knowing I was never wanted, knowing I was abused, knowing I became codependent on my daughters to survive, loneliness, knowing nothing but negativity I couldn't run from it anymore. I apologized to my daughters for having them and told them that I regret having them. I explained to them this wasn't because I didn't love them but it's because I now realized how bad things were emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. for me back then and I had no business having kids in the state I was in. And they understood what I meant. When I told them how close I came to ending me my 3rd daughter said " if you did it and succeeded then how were we supposed to move on?" And I couldn't answer because she has a point. I didn't know how bad my well being was when I had them, I didn't understand the depths of it. But that's not their fault, they didn't ask to be here and I have right to just leave them the way I wanted even though I really want to ctb. So here I am today forced to live although I don't want to. I feel like this is my karma like I selfishly bought them into this world and became dependent on them for my survival so now I must keep surviving for them and I can't be mad at it because they didn't ask to be here. They wanted to put me in a psych ward but I told them I wasn't going, so now they're looking into therapy for me but I believe it's useless because I've been through therapy several times but even therapists can't help me get to the why. I mean I know why I stayed in abusive toxic relationships, I know why I became a people pleaser etc. but I don't get why I was blamed for being a girl, why no one defended and protected me I mean not one adult said "it's wrong to treat her like this" I don't get why people just didn't like me. I don't why I had 4 girls, and yes I wanted a son but I never looked at any of my daughters with disappointment that none of them were a boy, therapy can't help with this. My method was going to be carbon monoxide by charcoal burning. I had two ways I was going to do it first burning it on grill and also putting some in a lid covered frying pan and letting it heat up on my portable stove, I figured this would definitely work and produce a lot of carbon monoxide and since sleeping pills were in my system I'd fall asleep fast. My daughters threw away everything. So here I am in the bathroom writing this and crying wondering how parents do it, how they can put themselves first and make themselves ctb leaving their kids behind and I envy them because it's what I want to do but I don't think I'll ever be able to. I now have to call my mother and explain the letter she'll be receiving in a few days, I feel like after doing this my family will suddenly start being fake reaching out to me but I really don't want that. I haven't spoken to them in years like over ten years so it makes no sense now to show me fake concern.
Anyway thank you for reading my long vent.
