what happened? want to share?
Absolutely. I feel like I have repeated it a lot, which is helping me, but I have worn out a lot of irl people from it.
My partner of 8 years left me because I was suicidal. I was actively seeking treatment, but was very open that 1) I was in a mental spot where I was only staying alive for other people, and 2) he was not responsible for me, but I was very vulnerable and would like some support. This suicidal episode started after a traumatic accident at work that killed 4 of my coworkers and a lot of other people nearly instantly. 2 of my coworkers died later. During this time, two of my cousins passed away as well, one from an (accidental) OD and one from suicide. After the second cousin, I started drinking and couldn't stop drinking and self harming and went to the er. I didn't even really know him, but I felt like I was surrounded by death and felt like drinking was an alternative to jumping.
I was finally starting to get a little better during week 2 of treatment when my partner dumped me. Apparently I am not his person. He tried to slow ball it at first and say it was only for a year. It's so insulting. It read to me like he wanted to see if I could get better on my own and to then decide if I was good enough for him.
He was still sleeping with me during the time period he told me he had decided that we were done. We had a fight before the first cousin's funeral because he was not putting any effort to spend time with me or be there for me or my family. Apparently that was when he decided that I wasn't for him. Even if that's what was happening in his head, what he actually did was try to make it up to me, sleep with me, and continually tell me that he loved me. He was sending memes about us and our future.
It's all so confusing now. He did not respect my sexual boundaries, and there was a time when he forced me to do things. He also got angry at me saying no once and punched holes in the wall. I kept telling myself that I was standing up for myself by making him go to therapy after each instance, but things would only improve temporarily. I really should have left, but I loved him and believed that he loved me and was just trying to figure himself out.
I'm trying to figure out my life again now. After he dumped me, I started behaving more suicidally and actually started an attempt. I chose to go inpatient instead because I promised him. A part of me knows that it's good that we're not together, but fuck it hurts so much. I feel abandoned, and I really questioned if my life mattered if he could just toss me aside after 8 years because I wanted to die. We would have been great together if he could just be kind. If he would have actually gotten help like I did. If he was committed to growing and exploring and just being kind. All I wanted was a partner to grow with.
My body still wants him. It's like my body has projected the bad things that happened onto a non-existent third person and can't accept that it was him. I feel incredibly lonely.
