NSFW i want to be attractive even though i'm suicidal lol

[monetpompo]

i ate 2 samosas today
was pretty awesome​

I think my want to get laid is about the same level as how much I want to die. I know I'm not unattractive since people have called me conventionally attractive in the past and sometimes I look good in the mirror, but I used to use sex as a measure for how desirable I was both as a person and as a nameless naked person. I've gained a little weight because of my depression but I always think I look worse than I actually do when I'm depressed. Sometimes I dress up to compensate but I still think my face and my body are ugly and that no one really wants me. I've never been dated and I've only done hookups from online randoms. Being a trans guy doesn't help. I've only had sex with bi guys or straight guys that go on grindr to get laid. I really hate the personal questions I get about my body but I care about having sex more honestly. But even then, the sex isn't good and I only really want to meet up with randoms because I want attention and I want people to talk to me. I guess it's my own fault for seeking out hook ups anyways. Guys makes me anxious now since I feel too depressed and like I would let myself be taken advantage of just so someone would like me. Me meeting up with other trans people was a disaster since I would get ghosted or we would have nothing in common, lol. Most lonely people probably resort to hookups like me. Especially since it feels like the only real resort if you feel undesirable otherwise. I don't want to be judged for it even if I feel ashamed of it because I know other people would do it too if they felt like they had nothing else to offer people but their sex.

Hooking up with someone I found less attractive than me was common. I didn't really care since I could get laid. Every time it was really just for the attention. I know I shouldn't do it again but I get bored rotting in my house. What I tell people is that I don't need to care how someone looks when I can just take my glasses off (basically half-blind without them) and have the person's face melt in front of me. Guys like paying attention to me because they like objectifying my body. I feel more lonely the day after since I know it didn't mean anything and I'm still bored. I used to think that it was a way to feel like a normal person, since normal people get laid because people like them. The way I do it isn't normal since I don't like sex and I just want someone to want to be around me. I know that to most people, I'll be burden to them because of my financial situation anyway, so I always feel like I owe a part of myself. No one's ever manipulated me or forced me to bang them, so it's never been that bad. I just feel like I'm not really a person. I feel like I have no real way to denote my worth when I've always felt like I've never mattered to anyone.

 

[Pluto]

 

[TooLate2582]

In my darker times, I too have engaged in similar behavior. I don't know if it's the temporary connection that I wish was more permanent or the serotonin hit. The riskier/crazier the better, married women, public places, etc.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

For me, sex and everything that goes with it, is too complicated and I need my personal space. I gave up on the whole idea. How I ended up an old married man with a wife and two kids is one of life's mysteries. I just thought I would pop into this thread with a completely different point of view, I don't know why. But it makes sense to want to be attractive even though suicidal.

 

[monetpompo]

View attachment 168713

thank you pluto, very cool
the samosas were yummy and i ate 2 more for dinner

In my darker times, I too have engaged in similar behavior. I don't know if it's the temporary connection that I wish was more permanent or the serotonin hit. The riskier/crazier the better, married women, public places, etc.

i love just being able to be around people. i would do anything to be around people and be paid attention to, and the easiest way to get that is by taking my clothes off. if i didn't know any better, i'd engage in riskier behavior too. i stopped before a got an std because guys kept wanting to not use a condom, lol. i really do feel like i'm the kind of person that would be manipulated if someone kept offering me attention. it feels so good to feel like i matter to someone, even if it's all fake, because they act like they care about more. it's an awful feeling. i only contribute to the cycle when someone genuine comes along, because i want to use them for my own entertainment instead of treat them like a person. sex feels like the easiest way for me to feel something besides numbness.