I want something real.

[TheLastGreySky]

So I got here in early November and the person who had helped me recover ended up CTB recently and that's kind of really hurt me.
I know that this is a choice everyone has the right to make for themselves. But it does really sadden me to know that someone who helped so many people couldn't save them-self.

Honestly, I think I'm wanting to CTB again.
This world is just nonsensical and toxic and it doesn't matter how much you love someone else... You could give someone a kidney and they would have no regrets cheating on you and taking your money. I really don't want to be a part of this vortex of disgusting egos.

And then the good people... especially the good people here... Some of them are so hell bent on CTB that they do not want to recover and they have this whole complex of not wanting to form attachments or have any reason to choose to stay. I really do love the site and I want to respect everyone's opinions on whatever they choose to do,

But the people the world needs get taken away. And all these happy little parasites just feed off of their beauty...

I don't have anything to live for anymore.
Everyone I care about leaves.
Everything I do is wrong and I just don't care no more. I feel like a mouse baited into a trap with with a piece of cheese every time something good happens now.

Like dude I just want real people in my life,
To form relationships/friendships with.
I'm literally possibly facing going to prison yet again for more bullshit dug up from my past...
The last time I actually didn't do what I'm being accused of and they still found me guilty. Like shit... I just want to start over somewhere new without the state trying to milk me for money. (yes courts and prisons and gels get paid for putting you away)
^and after reading the above paragraph,
Do you know what type of guy I am?
I'm a loving man who would rather watch Bluey with his babies then go out and hang out with friends. I'd rather stay at home and draw.
But because I had one bad relationship with my ex whom I had the kids with she's got me in this legal binding where I can't see my kids if she keeps sending me to prison.
All it's taking her is to make fake Facebook accounts and I can't prove it's not me.
I did two years with no money on my books. I lost 60 lb and I'm just so fucking done.

Anyone who's been to a crisis intervention will probably vouch for me when I say they basically tell you to work on your coping skills and then give you a sandwich...
Like dude, I would seriously propose to a stranger if I thought they would stick it out with me through another prison sentence.

 

[Valky]

Man oh man, this really is a terrible situation and I am so, so sorry that you have found yourself in such.

I am also very sorry about the person ctb-ing. It is true tho, it often seems like the "bad" people are pushing the good ones over the edge again and again. But remember, hate is always louder than love.

I am certain that there are still many, many good people out there, we only need to look for them. And that is sadly a trial and error progress but finding them is worth it.

Allow yourself that time to start over again and find those people!!

 

[Adûnâi]

You do seem like you could go on, so that's certainly a contrast to pro-mortalists.

Isn't helping someone best done without expecting anything in return? Just enjoying the process of patting yourself on the back? Or maybe I have such views because I cannot help with anything in my own life, so I've kind of resigned?

Not sure whether talking about my beaten horse, artificial intelligence, is of any point in such a thread. But maybe it changes everything? Certainly, if we gain immortality, you'd have the time to try out different people.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

You do seem like you could go on, so that's certainly a contrast to pro-mortalists.

Isn't helping someone best done without expecting anything in return? Just enjoying the process of patting yourself on the back? Or maybe I have such views because I cannot help with anything in my own life, so I've kind of resigned?

Not sure whether talking about my beaten horse, artificial intelligence, is of any point in such a thread. But maybe it changes everything? Certainly, if we gain immortality, you'd have the time to try out different people.

Talk about whatever you like. The point doesn't matter. Everything kind of is meaningless but,
We can therefore assign value to whatever we want. I think everyone eventually faces at least one existential crisis and that it's part of the human condition.