Nikki_Music
I only paint in red now
- Sep 28, 2024
- 48
I want my life to get worse so that I have to CTB. I want my anxiety and depression to get so bad that I feel like there's no other option. I want CTB to be the first thing on my mind every day.
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I'm not here to convince you off of it, but this really sounds like fetishizing suicidal ideation and depression, which is not something you want to do. I am there, and every day it sucks, and I can't get rid of it. Again, not to sound like a gatekeeper or someone pretentious or anything, but it is not something I'd wish for if I had the option.
Nikki_Music
I only paint in red now
- Sep 28, 2024
- 48
I probably wouldn't wish for it either once I'm actually like that. I feel like I'm so used to feeling that way that I don't know how to feel when I'm not like that.
BPDtgirl
New Member
- May 5, 2025
- 3
dust-in-the-wind
Animal Lover
- Aug 24, 2024
- 573
vitbar
Escaped Lunatic
- Jun 4, 2023
- 445
I wanted the same back when I was at my worst. Doing things I knew were damaging my psyche and avoiding anything that might heal me. I hoped that if I pushed myself close enough to the edge that the wind might take me. Near constant ideation for months.
I can't suggest this course. The risk I'd kill myself was higher, but really my suicide was still a long way off. The increased motivation wasn't worth the abject misery.
I can't suggest this course. The risk I'd kill myself was higher, but really my suicide was still a long way off. The increased motivation wasn't worth the abject misery.
Dongle
FIRMLY GRASP IT
- Apr 14, 2025
- 32
I feel this, I've hoped that the pain of existing would become so bad that I'd overcome not wanting to die by throwing myself in front of highway traffic as I haven't obtained an easier method yet, but it just isn't working.
SteamaHorns
Member
- Aug 2, 2024
- 81
Yeah because living through the next days, with your mind almost believing that experiencing another one is fine, seems fine until it's hit by the reality of its situation, being reminded of why it wanted to leave in the first place as it wallows in whatever wave of misery for another time. And then it happens all over again. I hope I can at least muster up enough volition to escape.
