Venting I want my 1st attempt to FAIL!!! To see my friends reactions

[kreikrei]

Hi!

Long story short - I am 32 years old with scoliosis, osteoarthritis in many joints and tinnitus.
I have tried for years (execising, meditation, good nutrition, psychotheraphy), but I dont see the point anymore. Gladly I am an atheist too.

BUT - I am also a bit of an attention seeker with victims mentality I guess.
I ordered a Argon ballon 3 years ago - chickened out.


My friends say at times when I am more depressed than usual
"There is no other way as to accept the pain, dude, because we all know you dont have the COURAGE to suicide"

Currently I have everything set up, just missing the Argon balloon itself, it should be here any day.
IS IT SICK/WEIRD that I want my first attempt to fail and I visualize my friends looking at me with that "damn, he really does have the balls" look....
But its hard to successfully fail, without compromising your further attempts (disability, pysch ard etc)

I want to die, but I also want to see others reaction to my death.....

 

[FuneralCry]

It just sounds like a way to end up with damage to me, trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering is exactly what I fear personally. But if you wish to do this then it's your decision after all.

 

[Argo]

IS IT SICK/WEIRD that I want my first attempt to fail and I visualize my friends looking at me with that "damn, he really does have the balls" look....
But its hard to successfully fail, without compromising your further attempts (disability, pysch ard etc)

I want to die, but I also want to see others reaction to my death.....

I don't know if you should care if something is weird, because something being unusual doesn't matter at all. But, is that a good motivation to want to risk your life, or to die? ... probably not right? It's understandable we're all social creatures, we all want to to be treated seriously, attentively, with appreciation, we want people who wronged us to realize the did, etc. That's all pretty normal, but at the end of the day I think the realization has to be that this isn't the world where that happens for the vast majority of people. And so if you keep clawing and grasping at those sorts of things as your main motivators, you will feel constantly conflicted and suffer.

To me, Ctb only makes sense morally because that person's wellbeing has value. The value isn't in your friends opinions, who are basically telling you that you're a coward because you can't die(which says something about them, is this an actual friend?). So you asked with this thread, but personally, I would just not give a shit what these people have to say and evaluate my own life as something of moral worth.

A lot of suicidal people have low self worth, self hatred, etc, and want to die because they don't see the value of their wellbeing(but think the values of assholes somehow matter, probably because these people act as if they're better by putting others down), but I see that as confusion that only adds to the misery of this place.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

"There is no other way as to accept the pain, dude, because we all know you dont have the COURAGE to suicide"

I can't say from only seeing one sentence, but I think you could use better friends, too. Because the latter thing they said isn't very encouraging or sensitive. If it was me that would only push me towards ctb harder, I hate when anyone doubts me.

 

[kreikrei]

It just sounds like a way to end up with damage to me, trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering is exactly what I fear personally. But if you wish to do this then it's your decision after all.

Yes, seems like what I want is absurd and ridiculous. But, I guess, I just cannot accept the idea of being forgotten and a mere memory in peoples eyes, I want to see their sorrow.. guess thats my narcisism...

"There is no other way as to accept the pain, dude, because we all know you dont have the COURAGE to suicide"

I can't say from only seeing one sentence, but I think you could use better friends, too. Because the latter thing they said isn't very encouraging or sensitive. If it was me that would only push me towards ctb harder, I hate when anyone doubts me.

Yes, I did unfair to my friends with this sentence. They have always been great friends, willing to give advice, help me out or just listen, and be there for me. When I write this, it makesme feel likea total psychopath, since I want to ee their sorrow.... wtf

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Anyway it is as FC said, this only leads to damaging yourself. I can understand the narcissistic aspect, as long as it remains a fantasy that you can't help thinking about, attempting as a means for attention only seems like a very bad idea, so use your logical side when you reason whether or not to attempt this.

Failing on purpose should be a last resort call for help, in this very unfair world, if considered at all. Not for attention. Even as a last resort it seems like a very bad idea, even though people can be cruel, callous and seem not to listen otherwise. I advise against anything potentially damaging unless you truly intend to ctb.

 

[kreikrei]

Anyway it is as FC said, this only leads to damaging yourself. I can understand the narcissistic aspect, as long as it remains a fantasy that you can't help thinking about, attempting as a means for attention only seems like a very bad idea, so use your logical side.

Failing on purpose should be a last resort call for help, in this very unfair world, if considered at all. Not for attention. Even as a last resort it seems like a very bad idea, even though people can be cruel, callous and seem not to listen otherwise. I advise against anything potentially damaging unless you truly intend to ctb.

I want to die, dont get me wrong.
But I want my first attempt to fail...
Why? Probably because I am a weak loser, and I want the pity, the attention.... and when Ive had enough of it (maybe I wont like it), then finish the job

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Your friends won't think damn he has the balls. Your friends will think you are crying wolf. They won't take you seriously when you are really in trouble. If you seriously want out, then who gives a shit what anyone thinks. If you want attention and recognition for your pain, this isn't the way. I know so many of us here are crying out for someone to really see how much we are suffering. Unfortunately, this will never happen. People have their own lives and don't give a shit. They only care when you are actually gone. You will get more support and validation here than you ever could in real life. Unfortunate but true.

 

[kreikrei]

Your friends won't think damn he has the balls. Your friends will think you are crying wolf. They won't take you seriously when you are really in trouble. If you seriously want out, then who gives a shit what anyone thinks. If you want attention and recognition for your pain, this isn't the way. I know so many of us here are crying out for someone to really see how much we are suffering. Unfortunately, this will never happen. People have their own lives and don't give a shit. They only care when you are actually gone. You will get more support and validation here than you ever could in real life. Unfortunate but true.

I guess the hardest thing is to accept that I will be forgotten...
A rough google translate from a post someone wrote in my native language- made me cry like a baby.

"When you die, don't worry about your body... Your loved ones will do whatever it takes:
- They will take off your clothes;
- They will wash you;
- They will dress you up;
- They will take you out of the house and take you to your new address.


Many will come to the funeral to honor you.
Some will even change their plans and ask to be given time off work to go to the funeral. Your clothes that you wore will be given away, sold, donated or burned. Your keys, tools, books, games, collections, all your stuff will belong to other people...

And be sure that the world will not stop without you and will not cry for you. The economy will work. You will be replaced at work. Someone with the same or even better abilities will take your place. Your property will pass to your heirs. Do not doubt that you and your deeds, small or big, that you have done in your life will be discussed, judged and criticized. People who only knew you by sight will say, "Poor man!"

Your good friends will cry for a few hours or days, but then they will laugh again. Your pets will get used to their new owner. Your photos will hang on the wall for a while, then they will be placed on the furniture, and then they will be stored in a drawer of some kind. Someone else will sit on your sofa and watch TV, someone else will sit at your table and eat on it.
The deep pain in your home will last a week, two, one month or two, one year or two... Then you will join the memories and then your story will end. It will end among people, it will end here, it will end in this world"

I guess the hardest thing is to accept that I will be forgotten...
A rough google translate from a post someone wrote in my native language- made me cry like a baby.

"When you die, don't worry about your body... Your loved ones will do whatever it takes:
- They will take off your clothes;
- They will wash you;
- They will dress you up;
- They will take you out of the house and take you to your new address.


Many will come to the funeral to honor you.
Some will even change their plans and ask to be given time off work to go to the funeral. Your clothes that you wore will be given away, sold, donated or burned. Your keys, tools, books, games, collections, all your stuff will belong to other people...

And be sure that the world will not stop without you and will not cry for you. The economy will work. You will be replaced at work. Someone with the same or even better abilities will take your place. Your property will pass to your heirs. Do not doubt that you and your deeds, small or big, that you have done in your life will be discussed, judged and criticized. People who only knew you by sight will say, "Poor man!"

Your good friends will cry for a few hours or days, but then they will laugh again. Your pets will get used to their new owner. Your photos will hang on the wall for a while, then they will be placed on the furniture, and then they will be stored in a drawer of some kind. Someone else will sit on your sofa and watch TV, someone else will sit at your table and eat on it.
The deep pain in your home will last a week, two, one month or two, one year or two... Then you will join the memories and then your story will end. It will end among people, it will end here, it will end in this world"

It just sounds like a way to end up with damage to me, trying to die going wrong and leading to way worse suffering is exactly what I fear personally. But if you wish to do this then it's your decision after all.

I apologize for double post.
Cant find a search bar in the forums, is there one?
I would like to read about some experiences from other people on some specific topics..

 

[Suicidebydeath]

You will get more support and validation here than you ever could in real life. Unfortunate but true.

This is true for most of our friends. Come here for support and validation, we all suffer here and understand how it feels and what it is like.

 

[Anonperson1]

Noone will care, and you'll just further push yourself into the 'weird depressed dude' pigeonhole that these people have you in. You'll be forgotten after it works in short term. If you're doing it, do it for you, not for attention

 

[Abyssal]

Don't do it, like seriously don't. Fuck I'll explain if I gotta, I mean I've been there, but it's not what you want. Just don't.

 

[kreikrei]

Don't do it, like seriously don't. Fuck I'll explain if I gotta, I mean I've been there, but it's not what you want. Just don't.

I thought that when you join this forum, it is assumed you have tried getting bette but failed
I have been depessed for 8 years, suicidal for 5 (after 3 years of physiotheraphy didnt help my joint/back pain at all)
Its not a spontaneous idea...

 

[Abyssal]

I thought that when you join this forum, it is assumed you have tried getting bette but failed
I have been depessed for 8 years, suicidal for 5 (after 3 years of physiotheraphy didnt help my joint/back pain at all)
Its not a spontaneous idea...

It's not a spontaneous idea but it's a dumb one. Don't try to ctb with the purpose of failing and seeing how others react.

 

[throneofdispair03]

I understand the feeling, but please don't. You could get seriously injured if you "fail successfully".

 

[kreikrei]

It's not a spontaneous idea but it's a dumb one. Don't try to ctb with the purpose of failing and seeing how others react.

I was venting....
I realize it is practically impossible, unless I do something gross, but somewhat contollable, like chopping a arm off lol :D
Thanks for being the contrarian :)

 

[UKscotty]

Dying is far too easy, the body is way more fragile than people like to think.

No one likes to think our life could be snuffed out by a simple fall or a wrong turn.

When we are suicidal it may seem so hard to die but this speaks to the SI, not the physical act.

Any real CTB method is liable to actually kill you, rather than be a cry for help.

 

[luisamanequim]

Hi!

Long story short - I am 32 years old with scoliosis, osteoarthritis in many joints and tinnitus.
I have tried for years (execising, meditation, good nutrition, psychotheraphy), but I dont see the point anymore. Gladly I am an atheist too.

BUT - I am also a bit of an attention seeker with victims mentality I guess.
I ordered a Argon ballon 3 years ago - chickened out.


My friends say at times when I am more depressed than usual
"There is no other way as to accept the pain, dude, because we all know you dont have the COURAGE to suicide"

Currently I have everything set up, just missing the Argon balloon itself, it should be here any day.
IS IT SICK/WEIRD that I want my first attempt to fail and I visualize my friends looking at me with that "damn, he really does have the balls" look....
But its hard to successfully fail, without compromising your further attempts (disability, pysch ard etc)

I want to die, but I also want to see others reaction to my death.....

I get you but you won't have the reaction you want and you will get addicted to it. When I attempted people where really worried about me... for about a week, then everything went back to normal and they acted like nothing happened. It sucks. If you are going to do it, do it for yourself, because no one will care as much as you do, their feelings won't last as much as your do.

If you fake attempt for their attention you will get hooked on it, trust me it's not nice being dependent on suicide so people care about you

 

[Thanksforeverything]

I'm not going to talk about all the risks that come with a botched suicide attempt because others have articulated it quite well already.

But I just want to say this, whether you attempt or not, suicide is something that is inherently personal. Your life belongs to you and no one else. Don't make that choice for anyone but yourself. The only person whose opinion matters in this case is yours, not how your friends feel about it.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

Hi!

Long story short - I am 32 years old with scoliosis, osteoarthritis in many joints and tinnitus.
I have tried for years (execising, meditation, good nutrition, psychotheraphy), but I dont see the point anymore. Gladly I am an atheist too.

BUT - I am also a bit of an attention seeker with victims mentality I guess.
I ordered a Argon ballon 3 years ago - chickened out.


My friends say at times when I am more depressed than usual
"There is no other way as to accept the pain, dude, because we all know you dont have the COURAGE to suicide"

Currently I have everything set up, just missing the Argon balloon itself, it should be here any day.
IS IT SICK/WEIRD that I want my first attempt to fail and I visualize my friends looking at me with that "damn, he really does have the balls" look....
But its hard to successfully fail, without compromising your further attempts (disability, pysch ard etc)

I want to die, but I also want to see others reaction to my death.....

For all tense and purpose you are the center of the universe. Just as everyone else is the center of their universe. So it's normal to want attention, affection, and love from those around us, we are the main character in our story. However, I don't think you should make your life about anyone but you. Billions of years passed before you were born and billions more will pass after you are gone. For the limited time you are here, it's best just to be yourself.

Live for yourself, or don't. We wish you peace. Big hugs. Be well on your journey.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Currently I have everything set up, just missing the Argon balloon itself, it should be here any day.
IS IT SICK/WEIRD that I want my first attempt to fail and I visualize my friends looking at me with that "damn, he really does have the balls" look....
But its hard to successfully fail, without compromising your further attempts (disability, pysch ard etc)

You should not care about what others think, you put yourself into an unnecessary risk of brain damage, psych ward stay, hospital stay and what not. Either you are ready to die or not - that's your personal decision in any case but nothing you should make fun of or to show others that you have the balls do it.