Venting I want help

[35alcoholics]

I've been suicidal since I was a little kid, and I've always tried reaching out but was only met with "if you haven't already tried/done it you're just looking for attention." Well, I have tried. I don't say I have because I have no intention on going to a ward. That would make everything worse. People don't care until it happens. Sometimes I think all of this is just me being dramatic- which I wouldnt doubt if it were true. That lead to be constantly in a state of derealization and where I've started to have hallucinations. Though I believe it's from excessive use of marijuana and at times alcohol.

I've talked to my therapist about this. She told me it's stress and my depression. She doesn't think it's too bad though so I can't go on anything for it. My parents just got mad at me saying, "I'll kill you before you kill yourself." I've tried going to my partner about this, they just say "sorry" and "I hope it gets better for you."

This has left me to the conclusion that no one cares, unless it's about them. I'm planning the 19th of November this year. If it fails, I will most likely be left to myself because it's "too much to handle" and "we all have our own problems don't be a pussy."

If anyone has any idea of what I could do I would love to hear it, because I feel like if I could get of this constant state of shit I could actually enjoy living. Nothing has worked.

 

[liljeep]

Your parents shouldn't say something so awful to you, I'm sorry. Whether you told anyone or not, your attempts are as real as anyone's who got hospitalized, and your ideation is important. You're not talking about it for attention, and even if you were, everyone needs attention in the way of caretaking sometimes. There is no shame in talking about those feelings and people should take it seriously. It's a sad world we live in where ideation is taken lightly, and people are only truly present when that person is lost.

Have you ever told your partner their responses don't make you feel supported? I'm sure with a better support system, you may be able to manage these feelings better. There are a good number of hotlines who won't invalidate you, and won't call an ambulance on you unless you were to say something like you are going to do it right now and you have what you need to do it, etc. But be careful. I usually use Trevor Project. They have a chat and text option if talking on the phone is a privacy or anxiety concern for you.

Also your therapist is not the one who can determine if you get medication for your ideation. If you feel it'll help you, you should see a psychiatrist for that. People do have mixed responses to antidepressants and similar medication but truly if it is one of the last potential things in your toolbox, it's okay to seek it whether anyone has told you it's bad enough or not.

My ideation improved quite a bit after Ketamine infusions, though obviously I can't say it disappeared or I would not be on this site. Otherwise, leaving the living situation that made me sick has helped a lot. The one I am in right now is not so great but I was told today it could change soon, to my ideal living situation.

Have you ever thought about what made you feel that way when you were so young?

 

[35alcoholics]

Thank you for this response, and can say that I have talked to my partner about this. He doesn't see where I'm coming from which is alright but he can't expect me to help him all of the time when he can't help me you know?

As of things that have made me the way I am at that young of an age, is something I can't explain myself. May have been the way I was raised or how my father is with mental health.

I also want to mention my parents are not abusive, though I should've posted that in the original thread. My father could be seen as such but that's not my place to judge.

I may mention to my therapist about seeing a phycologist or something of the sort now that someone mentions it. I believe medication could help me in any sort of way.

Thank you again :)

 

[deleted442]

Forgiveness is the only answer but that in itself is shit. I've tried that one, many times.
My brain says, you know that time when you felt shit…well your going to feel it again now and here's the evidence to prove it.
What is said and done to you as a child stays with you. It cannot be undone or forgotten…at least until the drugs or drink wears off. The only way is to forgive but it's really really hard. I've tried so many times but still have this feeling of failure and worthlessness. Keep trying they say. yes captain, ok captain.
Except the captain isn't really a captain, he's just as lost as we are.

 

[LittleJem]

you need a different medical professional who actually understands mental illness and doesn't brush you off. Find one asap. The earlier you treat mental illness the better.

 

[liljeep]

Thank you for this response, and can say that I have talked to my partner about this. He doesn't see where I'm coming from which is alright but he can't expect me to help him all of the time when he can't help me you know?

As of things that have made me the way I am at that young of an age, is something I can't explain myself. May have been the way I was raised or how my father is with mental health.

I also want to mention my parents are not abusive, though I should've posted that in the original thread. My father could be seen as such but that's not my place to judge.

I may mention to my therapist about seeing a phycologist or something of the sort now that someone mentions it. I believe medication could help me in any sort of way.

Thank you again :)

Of course! I'm sorry he doesn't understand, but I'm glad you're alright with it.

Well, you definitely don't have to dig into that by yourself, but could be worth bringing up in therapy. I believe you, but just remember if anyone could judge whether or not your parents are abusive, that person would be you. Abuse can be emotional.

But it's also fine to not use that sort of label, even if it could apply. A lot of people find it enough to say they were hurt by their upbringing without labelling their parent(s) for it. I just think that understanding how you became suicidal in the first place could help you figure out what makes you want to stay here.

I hope that you find the medication you need! It would be a psychiatrist, and you don't need a referral to see one, but if getting one that way is easier for any reason then that route works okay. Otherwise, it works fine in most areas around the world to just Google "psychiatrists near me", read the reviews and give them a call.

I do agree with an above reply, finding a therapist who takes you seriously is important to your recovery.