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AgentAlaniKelso
Member
- Apr 1, 2020
- 18
I find myself back here again on this page, again hoping for support, but this time for a different reason. In previous posts, I shared what was happening with me and how close I came to finally setting myself (and others) free from the burden of my existence. I look back on those two posts now and it truly breaks my heart to see how bad I was hurting and how desperate I was for ANY kind of connection. Things have improved but I still feel like there is more work to do.
I'm here asking for help. I'm so tired of feeling like things would be better if I were gone. I DONT want to be gone. I want to live to be crusty, old, cantankerous, live for more than a hundred years. I just turned 40 this year (I NEVER thought I would make it to 40...) and the thought of living the next thirty, forty, fifty or more years feeling this way is a torment. In the past, I felt I deserved to feel like my life was worthless and I was worthless. Finally, I know that's not true, I believe in my soul that's not true. But I just cant beat the thought of, "Just walk over to the safe and pull out the gun - It will be over before you even feel it." To be honest, these thoughts have been a significant obstacle to me feeling like I can live my life as my true self.
I want help but I know sharing my truth with my PCP or therapist triggers, shall we say, processes that ostensibly are meant to keep someone "safe." I've worked in healthcare long enough to know what happens when someone expresses ideation or thoughts of self harm. Hell, in the past it has been ME who has started the ball rolling on involuntary holds and involuntary custody for "safety." The systems we have in place to "help" result in people losing their rights, losing access to their possessions, losing access to their firearms, losing access to their unrestricted freedom, and potentially losing jobs/housing. The systems that are meant to "help" result in MORE hardship and turmoil than if someone simply keeps their mouth shut. And that's bullshit.
I want help but I refuse to have my rights restricted. I'm not losing my job, my guns, my freedom, my livelihood, my lifestyle, my purpose - for me, those restrictions are worse than feeling the way I've felt for the last almost 30 years. I know if I tell my therapist how I truly feel about things that my life will forever change and not for the better. I truly want help but the fear of losing everything I've worked so hard for is holding me back from getting that help.
Does anyone know how I can speak my authentic and real truth (rather than the censored version) without risking everything? Can/should I tell my therapist what my fear is if I tell the "whole" truth? I trust her, but all it takes is one call to unravel everything. Any ideas?
I'm here asking for help. I'm so tired of feeling like things would be better if I were gone. I DONT want to be gone. I want to live to be crusty, old, cantankerous, live for more than a hundred years. I just turned 40 this year (I NEVER thought I would make it to 40...) and the thought of living the next thirty, forty, fifty or more years feeling this way is a torment. In the past, I felt I deserved to feel like my life was worthless and I was worthless. Finally, I know that's not true, I believe in my soul that's not true. But I just cant beat the thought of, "Just walk over to the safe and pull out the gun - It will be over before you even feel it." To be honest, these thoughts have been a significant obstacle to me feeling like I can live my life as my true self.
I want help but I know sharing my truth with my PCP or therapist triggers, shall we say, processes that ostensibly are meant to keep someone "safe." I've worked in healthcare long enough to know what happens when someone expresses ideation or thoughts of self harm. Hell, in the past it has been ME who has started the ball rolling on involuntary holds and involuntary custody for "safety." The systems we have in place to "help" result in people losing their rights, losing access to their possessions, losing access to their firearms, losing access to their unrestricted freedom, and potentially losing jobs/housing. The systems that are meant to "help" result in MORE hardship and turmoil than if someone simply keeps their mouth shut. And that's bullshit.
I want help but I refuse to have my rights restricted. I'm not losing my job, my guns, my freedom, my livelihood, my lifestyle, my purpose - for me, those restrictions are worse than feeling the way I've felt for the last almost 30 years. I know if I tell my therapist how I truly feel about things that my life will forever change and not for the better. I truly want help but the fear of losing everything I've worked so hard for is holding me back from getting that help.
Does anyone know how I can speak my authentic and real truth (rather than the censored version) without risking everything? Can/should I tell my therapist what my fear is if I tell the "whole" truth? I trust her, but all it takes is one call to unravel everything. Any ideas?