Venting I want a gun but last night was unpredictable

[BleederOfZion]

My boyfriend came over last night. I was not feeling well mentally and so after a couple drinks I grabbed his gun and tried to shoot myself under the chin. It wasn't loaded, nothing happened. It was a spur of the moment decision, but at least now I know that when the time comes, I won't hesitate. It's a fast method.
I can't tell if its my mindset distorting my interpretations of people's intentions, but i now believe whatever my boyfriend says to me when I'm having these episodes is backhanded threats or mockery. Such as last night when he said he looked into forced inpatient treatment but didn't elaborate on it when I asked him. He called me a "weirdo" too and would make multiple references about "are you doing this because you're a woman" despite knowing fully well I am unhappy with the social and biological implications of my gender in life. I hate myself because I'm a woman simple as that and life is unbearable because no matter what I do to help others or defend myself all with good intentions it means it will hurt those around me (this has happened several times already). And I despise how when I'm with any male friend, if I make a mistake then my friends are confronted directly about "influencing" me, as if I have no functioning brain of my own. I am not a transgender and I am against gender reassignment surgeries, this is only to clarify I am not gender dysphoric of any sort, I only want to be completely alone or taken seriously (please don't turn this into a political debate). Life becomes more and more unbearable. I'm constantly on edge about people thinking I'm stupid or people misspelling my name or thinking I'm chinese when in fact I'm korean.
And I can't vent honestly to anyone except people online. I know when I do vent honestly, people I care about will hate me. And accuse me of being hormonal. That is all.

 

[justsayin]

Guns are not something anyone should play around while not feeling well mentally. It sounds like you were one bullet away from face transplant. Being alive without a face is completly opposite of what you said you wanted in your other thread.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-by-gun-without-blowing-off-face.72436/

In your current situation, access to guns can only make things worse. You should ask your boyfriend to keep his gun away from you (and that is something he should have realised by himself).

 

[Pluto]

If he is pushing your buttons and making you feel awful, and if he isn't willing to change, it does not sound like a relationship worth being in. Find people who will bring you care, understanding, patience and comfort.

An an aside, how would he prove that he didn't murder you in that situation? Even egging someone on can be illegal.

 

[siray]

Guns are not something anyone should play around while not feeling well mentally. It sounds like you were one bullet away from face transplant. Being alive without a face is completly opposite of what you said you wanted in your other thread.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-by-gun-without-blowing-off-face.72436/

In your current situation, access to guns can only make things worse. You should ask your boyfriend to keep his gun away from you (and that is something he should have realised by himself).

I love the cold tone of your words. It is reckless to be acting impulsively on suicidal thoughts, that too under the chin, she was one accidental bullet in the chamber scenario away from irreversible facial deformity, the horrifying realization of being a damaged caricature until my death would make me wish I had aimed elsewhere.

OP, the struggle with one's sexuality is crippling, I wish you discover your physiological drives and not waste away brooding in self contempt. Breaking up with your toxic bf would be a good start.

 

[BleederOfZion]

I love the cold tone of your words. It is reckless to be acting impulsively on suicidal thoughts, that too under the chin, she was one accidental bullet in the chamber scenario away from irreversible facial deformity, the horrifying realization of being a damaged caricature until my death would make me wish I had aimed elsewhere.

OP, the struggle with one's sexuality is crippling, I wish you discover your physiological drives and not waste away brooding in self contempt. Breaking up with your toxic bf would be a good start.

It's not "struggle with sexuality" I am not gender dysphoric, I merely dislike my existence and status. And I am a straight woman.
Also breaking up with my "toxic boyfriend" will not work, because literally all forms of human contact is toxic to me.
This is what I mean by when nobody will ever understand where I am coming from