Venting I wanna become a YouTuber but I'm terrified people are going to cancel me once they find out about my shit mental health

[Cauliflour]

I want to talk about aspects of my life either in separate videos or in dev logs for video games but I feel like people will pick up quite quickly just from the way I speak and my general behaviour that there's something wrong with me and then everything will go downhill and I would've shot myself in the foot. I've yet to find someone who I can relate to in that sense so I doubt the people of the internet will be able to understand and will probably think I'm just being edgy or faking it. Even if I don't talk about myself at all, people are gonna pick up on things I didn't even think about and start connecting dots. Art reflects the creator after all.

I suppose it's quite egotistical to ramble on about something as superficial as this but I don't know what's normal anymore and what's not so I don't know how exactly to hide absolutely everything. People are already thinking there's something wrong with me just from snippets of info I've talked about relating to the games I make. I'm worrying more now because I hit 100 subscribers the other day and people are leaving all these comments complimenting my latest video and I don't deserve their praise because I'm quite mediocre really but it makes me feel really bad that some people out there care about me, even if it's just a little because they thought a video was alright and I don't deserve it because I'm a piece of shit who's gonna fuck something up because I don't know how people are supposed to act. Why do I even bother when nobody cares what I have to yap about? I sure do whine a lot.

If someone manages to link this account to my channel, which I know nobody cares enough but I just have a feeling someone's gonna in the future, then I'm screwed. They're all gonna think I'm some fucked up person who wants people to die and they're gonna think my unwillingness to get therapy means I'm either faking it or just an annoying brat. I want to be seen in a positive light because I have a big ego but I don't deserve it so it's all gonna come crashing down. Hell, even the people here probably don't like me much because I keep yapping in the suicide board and don't really have any mental problems, I'm just a shitty person. I'm probably not even suicidal, just understanding of my worth. Real suicidal people do things like write final letters, ask for SN dealers and have mental breakdowns every other week and then here I come with my so called "suicide attempt" not even having a note or any long lasting physical consequences because I stopped after like 15 seconds and nobody around me even noticed. I literally just drank too much coffee and tried to choke myself with the tie I was wearing, that's not a suicide attempt, that's just self harm. Not even really self harm either, didn't use a rope or anything. God I'm so pathetic. I probably don't belong here as I don't have any actual issues. I assumed this was like an echo chamber but it's too wholesome because people are too nice and understanding here and I don't deserve it. I belong in a cult or something. All talk no bite.

I wish LiveLeak was still around as I have this weird fascination with watching violence. I suppose it's like mental self harm. I should really do that more, I deserve it after all.

I don't know why I even bother to post this but I can't rest until I do so just let it be ig.

 

[bankai]

I agree some people are capable of connecting the dots.Sometimes when I'm traveling in a cab or going to work i look at my reflection and I can't even recognize myself.I'm not trying to be edgy, I swear. So what I mean by I cannot recognize myself is my face looks so depressed and misshapen. But in my mind I just feel like I'm looking normal. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. So in this respect, we might think that we are OK, but other people will be able to tell that there's something wrong with us. I'm trying to act normal all the bloody time. It works for some time then the mask falls.

So you're not mistaken when you think someone might connect the dots. They probably will. There are plenty of good Internet sleuths as well. You've been warned

 

[Cauliflour]

I agree some people are capable of connecting the dots.Sometimes when I'm traveling in a cab or going to work i look at my reflection and I can't even recognize myself.I'm not trying to be edgy, I swear. So what I mean by I cannot recognize myself is my face looks so depressed and misshapen. But in my mind I just feel like I'm looking normal. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say. So in this respect, we might think that we are OK, but other people will be able to tell that there's something wrong with us. I'm trying to act normal all the bloody time. It works for some time then the mask falls.

So basically I'm fucked and I should just accept my fate.

 

[bankai]

So basically I'm fucked and I should just accept my fate.

I think you should risk it if you really want to do it. You can do a good acting job for a few minutes and you can always edit these videos too, right? You should be good.Unless it's live streaming..

 

[Cauliflour]

I found a website similar to Liveleak pretty easily actually (like 1st page Google easy) and I don't know if I'm just desensitised or the selection quality because I didn't feel much watching the 5 or so videos I found before getting bored and coming back to this site. I don't know how to feel about that 'cause it's not like I grew up on the early early internet where stuff like this was casually thrown around, maybe my own imagination desentised me.

I think you should risk it if you really want to do it. You can do a good acting job for a few minutes and you can always edit these videos too, right? You should be good.

I just think no matter what, someone's gonna figure out all my dark secrets and then it's game over. I can try to act normal but I don't know how to do so because I'm autistic.

 

[bankai]

I found a website similar to Liveleak pretty easily actually (like 1st page Google easy) and I don't know if I'm just desensitised or the selection quality because I didn't feel much watching the 5 or so videos I found before getting bored and coming back to this site. I don't know how to feel about that 'cause it's not like I grew up on the early early internet where stuff like this was casually thrown around, maybe my own imagination desentised me.

I just think no matter what, someone's gonna figure out all my dark secrets and then it's game over. I can try to act normal but I don't know how to do so because I'm autistic.

Bit offtopic but you're my favorite veggie,I'm not kidding,posted it yesterday too,

Post in thread 'name one of your favorite vegetable'
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/name-one-of-your-favorite-vegetable.202077/post-2960162

 

[Cauliflour]

Bit offtopic but you're my favorite veggie,I'm not kidding,posted it yesterday too,

Post in thread 'name one of your favorite vegetable'
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/name-one-of-your-favorite-vegetable.202077/post-2960162

Oh hey I was in that thread aswell. Not too far up too. I prefer peas tbh. Garden peas.

 

[Ferreter]

I think you should do what you want to do if it brings you a sense of fulfillment and or purpose. Who cares if others online think poorly of you or your mental health, that's your own personal business and I don't think you should let others dictate your actions. You seem like a pretty cool person to me, so I think you should go for it :)

 

[polarcrow_]

To be honest I don't think anyone would care. A vast majority of youtubers are depressed, autistic or have ADHD/ADD etc,. Mental illness and Mental Health are becoming increasingly more accepted and understood so I highly doubt anyone would be offended to such an extent as to 'cancel' you. although relation to this forum may be cancelworthy depending on who decides to call you out and your activity on the forum (are you mainly asking about methods and asking for advice or are you giving people advice and telling people how to CTB. most of the users I see 'demonised' in videos like tentacrul's are ones that are advising other users rather on how to ctb, users who are just asking for methods and advice are typically the ones people 'feel sorry for')

As for the relation to this forum… yes, that's a risk, but there are things you can do to keep people off of your trail. Use a different email address, different usernames and nicknames, avoid talking about the same topics across accounts to avoid things like timestamps and dates and likes/dislikes being lined up (unless it's very vague like 'minecraft'), make sure you log out before recording and close all related tabs to avoid notifications and recording software glitches showing the wrong window.