I visited my dad's grave yesterday

[Cats26]

Now I cannot stop thinking about it. I almost never go there because I was not very close with him, but lately ever since I became very suicidal again I have felt a new connection with him. I can't really explain it. I just got the urge to go to the cemetery so I did and his grave looked terrible because nobody in my family bothers to take care of it. Almost nobody visits. So I cleaned it up and just sat there thinking about how soon I will be buried with him, and nobody in our family will visit me either.

For some reason, knowing that I will die and be buried next to him and be forgotten with him brings me a sense of peace. I am not religious so I don't believe I will "meet him again" in the afterlife or anything like that, although sometimes I do feel like he is there. I just have this weird feeling that all of this was meant to happen and I am meant to be with him. Does anyone understand what I mean?

 

[LONE WOLF.]

@Cats26, l envy you for being able to both being able to visit your father's grave and for being able to be buried next to him, two thing's that I cannot do! I send You peace and Hugs

 

[Riddler]

I understand.

 

[LoneMisery]

My dad ctb in 99 and my mom died in 03. Ive only went to see my dad once and never qent to see my mothers. I feel it would hurt me too much.

 

[Cats26]

@Cats26, l envy you for being able to both being able to visit your father's grave and for being able to be buried next to him, two thing's that I cannot do! I send You peace and Hugs

I am very sorry you cannot do those things. I have a friend whose father is also dead and she cannot visit his grave either due to family conflict and I have always thought it was very sad.

I understand.

Thank you.

My dad ctb in 99 and my mom died in 03. Ive only went to see my dad once and never qent to see my mothers. I feel it would hurt me too much.

I understand, it can be very painful. My father died in 2016 and I've been maybe 5 or 6 times. My family wanted to go a lot at first but slowly stopped going. I don't usually feel much when I go but this time I sat there and cried for a long time. It really hurt for some reason.

 

[Mixo]

My dad is also deceased. He died many years ago, but like you, we were not particularly close. I went to his grave a few years ago to discuss the fact that there is a good possibility that I will be ending my own life and to apologize to him for that. Since I could not discuss it openly with starting "drama" with my remaining, surviving family, I felt it would be easier to tell him. I cleaned off his grave like you did, and had a long talk.

I don't know if I will ever see him again or if there's an afterlife, but I do relate to that feeling you have - that somehow things were supposed to turn out a certain way. Consequently, my dad and I have a rather similar temperatment - sensitive, depressive, a bit closed off, and withdrawing, so I know how he struggled emotionally in a world that can be unforgiving and capricious. When he died, I was better able to understand his plight in the world than other members of my family. In that sense, I understand him better now that he's gone than when he was alive and I was too young/immature/self-absorbed to think about him as a person, and not just as a parent.