I ve tried everything

[Meteora]

I ve been suicidal for the last 20 years or more. I think I m beyond stupid that I m still here. Just stupid as f*ck, actually. What was I hoping for? For things to turn out well in the end???
4 years ago I contacted Exit, an organisation to help ending your life peacefully (please no questions on Exit and the process with them. Its individual and you have to contact them directely). Unfortunately, I had to wait a long time to get the chance to see the medical consultant and I still havent seen him. I got in big trouble with this stupid woman who was responsible for my case cause she treated me like ppl in psychiatry would treat you. I really did not like her, she was so not smart and not empathetic at all and thats why I quit the process in fall 2022 thinking I m better off killing myself than dealing with this horrendous person who decides when I m able to go the next step in their programm.

At a very low point 3,5 years ago I met a man who was equally done with life, very early on we made a suicide pact. We fell in love quite unexpectedly and spent some nice time, hoping to build a life and future together.
The problem is, he is an autist and I m a person with an attachment disorder. Like chalk and cheese.
I feel very rejected by him all the time, I cannot understand when I became so unimportant to him. He started another studies last fall and since then it got unbearable for me because he has absolutely no time and energy for us. We live 1100 kilometers apart and I was hoping to soon be living closer so we could have an everyday life. But that won t be the case for 2,5 more years.

I want to go. I m so done. People with issues like mine have no space in this world. All I ve been doing in the last 15 years is fighting, being desperate and depressed, falling, getting up again just to fall again a few steps later.


I m not finding peace in the word of God anymore. I m just to depressed. And no one here to help. To support.


I dont know why I m writing all this. Maybe to make myself understand that I really did everything to save my life. For many years. Theres nothing I did not try and it just did not work out.

Thank you for reading.

Meteora

 

[Meteora]

Nothing ever changes. One vicious cycle after another. Theres no escape. But I m trying anyway. I must be so dumb.

 

[nobody11]

How old are you

 

[illAF]

I ve been suicidal for the last 20 years or more. I think I m beyond stupid that I m still here. Just stupid as f*ck, actually. What was I hoping for? For things to turn out well in the end???
4 years ago I contacted Exit, an organisation to help ending your life peacefully (please no questions on Exit and the process with them. Its individual and you have to contact them directely). Unfortunately, I had to wait a long time to get the chance to see the medical consultant and I still havent seen him. I got in big trouble with this stupid woman who was responsible for my case cause she treated me like ppl in psychiatry would treat you. I really did not like her, she was so not smart and not empathetic at all and thats why I quit the process in fall 2022 thinking I m better off killing myself than dealing with this horrendous person who decides when I m able to go the next step in their programm.

At a very low point 3,5 years ago I met a man who was equally done with life, very early on we made a suicide pact. We fell in love quite unexpectedly and spent some nice time, hoping to build a life and future together.
The problem is, he is an autist and I m a person with an attachment disorder. Like chalk and cheese.
I feel very rejected by him all the time, I cannot understand when I became so unimportant to him. He started another studies last fall and since then it got unbearable for me because he has absolutely no time and energy for us. We live 1100 kilometers apart and I was hoping to soon be living closer so we could have an everyday life. But that won t be the case for 2,5 more years.

I want to go. I m so done. People with issues like mine have no space in this world. All I ve been doing in the last 15 years is fighting, being desperate and depressed, falling, getting up again just to fall again a few steps later.


I m not finding peace in the word of God anymore. I m just to depressed. And no one here to help. To support.


I dont know why I m writing all this. Maybe to make myself understand that I really did everything to save my life. For many years. Theres nothing I did not try and it just did not work out.

Thank you for reading.

Meteora

Oh god, your words resonate in me so much. I've tried everything. Everything. But I've been sick for almost 15 years and I want to stop fighting a battle I cannot win. I feel you so much <3

 

[Meteora]

You should label this as a venting thread and although I haven't been suicidal nearly as long as you, I can only sympathise with failed attempts or unforseen difficulties preventing attempts. I'm sorry we all can't just be successful. I have particular sympathy for those trying the same method as me

maybe we will one day....

Oh god, your words resonate in me so much. I've tried everything. Everything. But I've been sick for almost 15 years and I want to stop fighting a battle I cannot win. I feel you so much <3

Isn't it insane that some ppl try every possible thing to improve their situation but still don't get real help? This alone makes me wanna quit.

There are parts of life that I like.... but I don't know how to go on with the issues I have that terrorize me every day.

 

[Meteora]

Indifference is such a powerful tool.

 

[Meteora]

What am I still doing here? Why don't I just end it. I m such a coward and I hate myself for it. I ve been hurt beyond any bearable amount. Two days ago, my boyfriend ended the relationship, we re too different, he says. I cannot lose much more, it s time to let go of this life itself.

 

[Meteora]

I m honestly so destroyed.... it s so much better to just sit at home than meeting people. They re fucked up, egoistic, I just hate most of them. Can't look in the mirror, I wish I was dead.

 

[thepiecessatup]

Meteora you could be writing the story of my own life. I really feel for you. It's so difficult. Beyond difficult.

 

[Meteora]

Meteora you could be writing the story of my own life. I really feel for you. It's so difficult. Beyond difficult.

I m sorry you re going through the same sh*t. What do you make out of it?

 

[thepiecessatup]

That I can't continue anymore. It's just too much. I've lost everything recently. Partner, home, job.

 

[Meteora]

That's tough. Very tough.

 

[thepiecessatup]

That's tough. Very tough.

Yeah the depression and anxiety and bpd just got too bad. I'm not functioning at all.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I ve been suicidal for the last 20 years or more. I think I m beyond stupid that I m still here. Just stupid as f*ck, actually. What was I hoping for? For things to turn out well in the end???
4 years ago I contacted Exit, an organisation to help ending your life peacefully (please no questions on Exit and the process with them. Its individual and you have to contact them directely). Unfortunately, I had to wait a long time to get the chance to see the medical consultant and I still havent seen him. I got in big trouble with this stupid woman who was responsible for my case cause she treated me like ppl in psychiatry would treat you. I really did not like her, she was so not smart and not empathetic at all and thats why I quit the process in fall 2022 thinking I m better off killing myself than dealing with this horrendous person who decides when I m able to go the next step in their programm.

At a very low point 3,5 years ago I met a man who was equally done with life, very early on we made a suicide pact. We fell in love quite unexpectedly and spent some nice time, hoping to build a life and future together.
The problem is, he is an autist and I m a person with an attachment disorder. Like chalk and cheese.
I feel very rejected by him all the time, I cannot understand when I became so unimportant to him. He started another studies last fall and since then it got unbearable for me because he has absolutely no time and energy for us. We live 1100 kilometers apart and I was hoping to soon be living closer so we could have an everyday life. But that won t be the case for 2,5 more years.

I want to go. I m so done. People with issues like mine have no space in this world. All I ve been doing in the last 15 years is fighting, being desperate and depressed, falling, getting up again just to fall again a few steps later.


I m not finding peace in the word of God anymore. I m just to depressed. And no one here to help. To support
I dont know why I m writing all this. Maybe to make myself understand that I really did everything to save my life. For many years. Theres nothing I did not try and it just did not work out.

Thank you for

You sound very similar to myself. I didn't give up because I wanted consolation that I had tried my best too. Not sure if just means I'm a stubborn stupid failure and I would of been better of accepting my fate and not trying at all. I don't see myself having done things very different to others who had luck and where successful in finding love, family etc. I guess that where just more attractive and confident than me. I too have always attracted the very detached types who run and are unable to give, specially when you most need them. I tried to avoid such people but they always saw me coming from miles away.... ready to take, take, take. Sadly as much as I want, I too can no longer find peace in the world of God and that's the hardest thing for me, to loose faith and hope and to see nothing but death welcoming and beckoning me from every corner.

 

[Meteora]

Crinia99 I tried to avoid such people but they always saw me coming from miles away.... ready to take, take, take. Sadly as much as I want, I too can no longer find peace in the world of God and that's the hardest thing for me, to loose faith and hope and to see nothing but death welcoming and beckoning me from every corner

I feel for you..... I don't know why some people just dont get a chance

 

[Manfrotto99]

I feel for you..... I don't know why some people just dont get a chance

For me i lacked family support, they were very controlling and abusive so I was very vulnerable and I looked vulnerable too. I was also too giving, caring and trusting by nature. I think the combination just created an energy that people picked up on and saw as weak and vulnerable, niave and dumb and an easy target to use and abuse. I don't think I could of done anything to have changed it.

 

[Meteora]

For me i lacked family support, they were very controlling and abusive so I was very vulnerable and I looked vulnerable too. I was also too giving, caring and trusting by nature. I think the combination just created an energy that people picked up on and saw as weak and vulnerable, niave and dumb and an easy target to use and abuse. I don't think I could of done anything to have changed it.

Same. My family is very sick. Narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, narcissistic brothers and then there was me..... But is it our mistake that we grew up in a abusive family???? I don't think so. And I was dumb enough to believe in psychotherapy. I thought I could recover from the childhood abuse and therapists also made me believe I could. Got abused again, if you will.....

 

[Meteora]

I'm caught in a terrible vicious cycle, in a hamster wheel and I don't seem able to exit it.
Every movment is tiring, my thoughs keep chasing eachother and I'm just very, very sad beneath.

I still pray for the courage to end my life this year.
I don' t know how much worse it can get.

 

[Meteora]

I m so devastated. I could finally have a dog. Landlady gave green light.
I first wanted a dog five years ago.
Life is cruel. People are cruel. Nothing new, obviously.
In some ways, I ve come too far to end my life. From another perspective, I just can't do it anymore.
I isolate myself more and more. Withdraw from all relationships. They only mean pain.
But isolation and loneliness are gruesome. I ve spent too many years like that.
Even these words..... what do I expect? I m repeting the same over and over again.
A lady at the help line recently told me a fairytale about a rooster who was convinced that he s irreplacebale because without his crowing nobody would know that it is morning and that they'd have get up.
One night, stardust fell on the back of every farm animal and it caused them to change their voices, the cow meowed, the pig quacked and the donkey crowed. That s when the rooster noticed that there s something bigger than him.

Stardust, that s what I want to be after death.
I wish to let go of this existence.