If that gives any comfort at all - there are millions of lonely people here on the internet, so many who can't make irl connections, or for whom it is so difficult they might as well not try again. So, I guess the internet is the only way for people like us to "get closer" with others. It's not a full substitute for real life connections, but you can't be picky, right?
You would think so. Right? Not my brain. My brain doesn't allow long-distance relationships. Those are even more painful for us than in person ones. It becomes an emotional assault on my psyche not being able to physically be with people. To hug them. Hold their hands. You know...fucking human shit.
And my lovely social anxiety of course loves to extend itself to online connections as well. The only reason I can post here at all, is because of the anonymity it provides. But even then. There are things I want to say, post, get some support in but I can't. Because my brain will comes down on me with things like "they will hate you. And if they hate you. They block you. And if they block you. You don't exist, but not in the good way." The idea of trying to get to close to anyone, on here even. Is just out of the question. And that's not my choice. That's not what I want. But my brain has won that argument and issued the decree. And I try to do something different, it'll just punish me.
Plus I have moderate/severe BPD. So for me. Getting close to someone, can very quickly lead to me falling in love and wanting...things. if it's a guy. But I have been known to become very attached to women as friends and become highly territorial. Not like in a misogynistic way though. I just get very jealous and terrified of being abandoned. It's just too dangerous. Because I lack so many things. So many experiences that now, my brain just goes to far because we CRAVE IT. But we just don't, we can't do it. We lack the ability. And we lack the kind of support we need to be able to but don't, because it just doesn't exist.
It's awful. Death is preferable to all of this. Everything about existing is torture. It's disgusting. All these feelings and emotions are disgusting. Being human is disgusting. I am convinced that if there is a god, it's punishing us because of how disgusting we are.
I just can't fucking do this anymore. I'm ready to fucking die. My body is ready to fucking die. But the fucking pain averse coward upstairs won't let us fucking do anything. Not even attempt ffs.
