I like this comparison despite the fact I don't play chess. I barely know the rules for chess. But for this analogy it just fits.
I will repaeat some issues which I have elaborated in the past and add some new thoughts. The game was rigged against me from the start. Child abuse since I was 5 then severe bullying in school due to the fact my mom fattened me. Bullied for developing weird OCD behavior. My mom even hit me for that which is quite cycnical because she was the trigger.
I tried to think strategically since I am 15. I changed a lot to that time. There was a severe bullying event which probably started my first mixed manic-depressive episode to that time. I think it is astonishing what happened. My personality changed a lot in some sense. My whole mood etc. My impulse to do things increased a lot. Before that I was kind of lazy. Relaxed a lot and wasted time as most usual teenagers. Though I even was quite anxious before that period.
My goal was a career. I became very disciplined and goal-oriented. Worked very hard to achieve things. My biggest mistake to that time was I neglected sleeping. I slept less and less. After my first psychosis I blamed myself a lot for this mistake. Though I think it was pathological and a product of the mania which got worse and worse. Another product was severe suicidality. Often people in manic epsiodes try to cope with drugs. I was scared about drugs early on. I read like 1-4% person react on drugs in a very damaging way. And yes I was right to be careful I really have this predisposition. Drugs always were for me playing Russian roulette. In case there would not have been the abuse this probably had saved me. Despite the fact I took no drugs my illness was triggered. Though I drank a lot of coffee to that time. Might have been a mistake but almost all drugs would have done way bigger damage. I am pretty sure the coffees did not change the outcome.
After my first psychosis the goal career was gone. The goal is survival since then. Due to false medication and the wrong diagnosis I got manic again after my first psychosis. And the whole suffering circle repeated. which was extreme torture. It was my fault to stop taking the medication. Probably the biggest mistake in recent years. I had a lot of side effects and wanted to try it at least one time. The mania probably also contributed to my risk affinity. I was not rational while being manic.
Then I got my second pychosis. I crashed. I had an extreme urge to ctb when I realized that this is a repeating process. But I was way more aware what has happened. I am way way more careful since then. I am more self-consciouss. Very anxious about mania. I am way more sceptical than other bipolar people. And till this day this has protected me from another crash, I think it is not unlikely I will kill myself after the next crash.
I have made some strategical (minor) mistakees since my second psychosis. Though overall I have done a quite good job. I think I am still far away from an happy end. I think an happy end is very unlikely. But I follow different tactics. Prolong the time to the next psychosis as long as possible. And find a way how to get a stable income. There is tiny hope. And honestly even this tiny hope feels like a miracle, Currently I don't feel as horrible as in the past. This is kind of progress.
Though I want to point out some thing. I realized planning life like a chess game is almost impossible. There are so many omitted or hidden variables. Things I cannot change. Sometimes I have to guess what to do. I think I pressure me in an insane way not to do any mistake because I know it can kill me. This pressure sometimes helps to be careful though it takes a lot of energy and contributes to my suffering. So many things in life are luck dependent. It is so unfair. I just want that in the last seconds before I kill myself I dont't have the feeling that it was not my faul that it has come to this. I invest a lot of energy into ruminating which decisions are the best. I think I am very anxious to fuck it up. I calculate risks, benefits etc on a daily basis. Over a lot of very different issues. I always want to minimize the risks and make the chance to win as big as possible.
I ruminate a lot about decisions about money. I am always angry on myself when I have made a bad deal. I think poverty will also contribute to my suicide a lot. There is a thought with which I try to comfort me. For example when I see a better deal for my smartphone which I bought recently. Yeah I might could have saved 20 bucks and this is annoying. But just think about my parents. They ruined the lives of their children completely and irreversible. We both probably cannot work which will contribute to our future hell. I think I could have got a well-paid job without this trauma. Let's say I could have earned 60 k per year. ( think for Americans this is a low number but in I think this stems from the fact in my country the health care costs are already included in the calculation). Then let's say I would have worked 3-4 decades. I think this is way more money that I could ever waste with mediocre deals for average products.
So I try to internalize I should not be too tough on me. Life is almost unpredictable. I have received this advice from the smartest person I have ever met. I annoyed this guy a lot. I had the hope he could save and give me some tips what to do in my position. This guy was extremely savvy like unimaginable. My strategy was to learn from him because he was way smarter than me and indeed he helped me. Though on a personal level this guy despised me. I think some of my OCD behaviors and other pathological behaviors triggered him. I felt kind of ashamed. I once met him again afterwards. I tried not to annoy him further and just kept the contact very short.
Do you rely on strategical thinking for avoiding extreme suffering? Do you have some tips? Maybe I am overthinking things a little bit. Lol.
I will repaeat some issues which I have elaborated in the past and add some new thoughts. The game was rigged against me from the start. Child abuse since I was 5 then severe bullying in school due to the fact my mom fattened me. Bullied for developing weird OCD behavior. My mom even hit me for that which is quite cycnical because she was the trigger.
I tried to think strategically since I am 15. I changed a lot to that time. There was a severe bullying event which probably started my first mixed manic-depressive episode to that time. I think it is astonishing what happened. My personality changed a lot in some sense. My whole mood etc. My impulse to do things increased a lot. Before that I was kind of lazy. Relaxed a lot and wasted time as most usual teenagers. Though I even was quite anxious before that period.
My goal was a career. I became very disciplined and goal-oriented. Worked very hard to achieve things. My biggest mistake to that time was I neglected sleeping. I slept less and less. After my first psychosis I blamed myself a lot for this mistake. Though I think it was pathological and a product of the mania which got worse and worse. Another product was severe suicidality. Often people in manic epsiodes try to cope with drugs. I was scared about drugs early on. I read like 1-4% person react on drugs in a very damaging way. And yes I was right to be careful I really have this predisposition. Drugs always were for me playing Russian roulette. In case there would not have been the abuse this probably had saved me. Despite the fact I took no drugs my illness was triggered. Though I drank a lot of coffee to that time. Might have been a mistake but almost all drugs would have done way bigger damage. I am pretty sure the coffees did not change the outcome.
After my first psychosis the goal career was gone. The goal is survival since then. Due to false medication and the wrong diagnosis I got manic again after my first psychosis. And the whole suffering circle repeated. which was extreme torture. It was my fault to stop taking the medication. Probably the biggest mistake in recent years. I had a lot of side effects and wanted to try it at least one time. The mania probably also contributed to my risk affinity. I was not rational while being manic.
Then I got my second pychosis. I crashed. I had an extreme urge to ctb when I realized that this is a repeating process. But I was way more aware what has happened. I am way way more careful since then. I am more self-consciouss. Very anxious about mania. I am way more sceptical than other bipolar people. And till this day this has protected me from another crash, I think it is not unlikely I will kill myself after the next crash.
I have made some strategical (minor) mistakees since my second psychosis. Though overall I have done a quite good job. I think I am still far away from an happy end. I think an happy end is very unlikely. But I follow different tactics. Prolong the time to the next psychosis as long as possible. And find a way how to get a stable income. There is tiny hope. And honestly even this tiny hope feels like a miracle, Currently I don't feel as horrible as in the past. This is kind of progress.
Though I want to point out some thing. I realized planning life like a chess game is almost impossible. There are so many omitted or hidden variables. Things I cannot change. Sometimes I have to guess what to do. I think I pressure me in an insane way not to do any mistake because I know it can kill me. This pressure sometimes helps to be careful though it takes a lot of energy and contributes to my suffering. So many things in life are luck dependent. It is so unfair. I just want that in the last seconds before I kill myself I dont't have the feeling that it was not my faul that it has come to this. I invest a lot of energy into ruminating which decisions are the best. I think I am very anxious to fuck it up. I calculate risks, benefits etc on a daily basis. Over a lot of very different issues. I always want to minimize the risks and make the chance to win as big as possible.
I ruminate a lot about decisions about money. I am always angry on myself when I have made a bad deal. I think poverty will also contribute to my suicide a lot. There is a thought with which I try to comfort me. For example when I see a better deal for my smartphone which I bought recently. Yeah I might could have saved 20 bucks and this is annoying. But just think about my parents. They ruined the lives of their children completely and irreversible. We both probably cannot work which will contribute to our future hell. I think I could have got a well-paid job without this trauma. Let's say I could have earned 60 k per year. ( think for Americans this is a low number but in I think this stems from the fact in my country the health care costs are already included in the calculation). Then let's say I would have worked 3-4 decades. I think this is way more money that I could ever waste with mediocre deals for average products.
So I try to internalize I should not be too tough on me. Life is almost unpredictable. I have received this advice from the smartest person I have ever met. I annoyed this guy a lot. I had the hope he could save and give me some tips what to do in my position. This guy was extremely savvy like unimaginable. My strategy was to learn from him because he was way smarter than me and indeed he helped me. Though on a personal level this guy despised me. I think some of my OCD behaviors and other pathological behaviors triggered him. I felt kind of ashamed. I once met him again afterwards. I tried not to annoy him further and just kept the contact very short.
Do you rely on strategical thinking for avoiding extreme suffering? Do you have some tips? Maybe I am overthinking things a little bit. Lol.
