Story I tried today, but I chickened out.

[LikeAPendulum]

This was the closest I've been to doing it. In the past days and weeks I prepared everything: I wrote an improvised Last Will and Testament, signed with my blood, I threw away some junk and deleted my search history and cookies, just in case there'd be an investigation into my death. And now, all that effort, was it in vain?

I wanted to die in the wilderness; I walked a long way to a nearby forest, carrying me all that's needed for a SN method. When I finally reached deep enough into the forest, I rested against a tree. I paused, and just sat there. It was silent and peaceful there; The birds are chirping, the bright green trees in front of the cloudless blue sky. I took a swig of the SN mixture, but I didn't swallow. Yes, it tastes awful. I held it in my mouth, knowing that there's be no going back. After a long wait , i spat it out. I don't know how long i was in there, but I spent at most 1-2 hours in there, sitting there, thinking and looking around at the scenery. I wish I wore jeans to there because wading through the undergrowth was like wading through barbed wire. I downed a 50ml bottle of vodka I brought with me.

I swallowed some of the SN residue, so I'm not sure if I'm all that okay. I felt a fast heartbeat, but that's probably because of the long walk. Nothings been resolved. Time will tell if I will regret coming home.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

It happens. I once stood in a barrel with a noose around my neck for an hour before backing down.

 

[Unattainable666]

CTB is a difficult decision and a permanent one. It takes a very brave person to go thrugh with it. I wish I could I'm afraid I'll fail. YOu will know when the time is right until then do what you need to do for you. You are not a coward by any means. On the contrary

 

[Stormy Raine]

I'm sorry you experienced that. Suicide is a final decision and it takes a lot to decide to kill yourself. You can look at it as you still have things to do here or perhaps someone needs you still, or you are just not ready. It's funny how you described the scenery so he's and we're aware of the birds singing, the sky and the clouds. My 1st attempt u really believed I wouldn't be here, all I could remember was being so happy, finally smelling outside and listening to the birds and everything I never thought to be cognizant of, it was a beautiful yet sad day because I thought I was going home. I've tried many times and each attempt is a difficult one to make. I suggest take your time, give this more thought and maybe read some of the threads here, you may enjoy the recovery section for today. Best wishes my friend

 

[jessisme]

I have the same chosen method and also plan to do it deep in the woods like you. I haven't tried yet because I don't have all the necessary meds to ctb with but also because I am too afraid. I think the survival
instinct is almost impossible to overcome and the ones who do ctb successfully work very hard to just push through it. There is no shame in not ctbing for anyone. If you choose to you will push through things when the time is right. I have had six failed attempts now and it's just another reason I hesitate to try again. I don't want to fail. We are here to support each other wherever we are in our processes and I think many of us have similar hesitation. It's nothing to feel bad about, when it's time you will know.

 

[tpboy]

I believe the key to overcoming your SI as i keep hearing people refer to is choose a method to where it is a non issue. If you shoot yourself in the head or chest with a .357 magnum for example...you are going to die most every time considering you aimed properly.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

update. I have an awful headache. Too tried to get out of bed. Not sure if its the SN causing this. Might change my plan to just die in my comfortable bed. Plus, i could keep ya'll updated.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all only the individual knows when the time is right to leave, I hope you don't suffer too much from what you chose to do, I wish you the best.