I tried to hang myself multiple times this week.

[FsMama]

Hi new here!

I tried to hang myself multiple times this week but I felt extreme fear just before I was supposed to pass out and stopped myself :/
I've decided to go with SN (almost ordered it) and N (if I can figure out how to order it or go to Mexico). I feel extremely calm and confident now that I've decided to end it.

My first attempt was at age 14, I drank and entire bottle of Kerosene. Wish I had that courage now.

I've been browsing this forum for a few days. I feel seen.

 

[Nyktalgia]

I feel you. Tried hanging myself a few times, but it was too painful and uncomfortable. A few times I got pretty close to blacking out, but my SI kicked in so I ended up ordering SN.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have never attempted hanging personally, to me it sounds like an awful way to leave this world and the fear of failure is what holds me back. I think that if I had the option of N I would be relieved, it sounds like the most peaceful method. I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point and I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[FsMama]

I live alone with my pup, F. I still have my noose hanging from my bathroom door and feel the urge to try again tonight but the thought of my baby pup being alone until I'm found makes me so sad. Pets know when their humans are 'gone' and I wonder if he will feel distressed.
I suppose he is the only one holding me back at this point.

 

[downndone2]

I'd try to figure out someone to take the pup. Do you have someone that would take your pup if you die? If so, can you say you're going on a trip and need a sitter? I personally am waiting on the N shortage to be over and have to wait until 2023

 

[FsMama]

I'd try to figure out someone to take the pup. Do you have someone that would take your pup if you die? If so, can you say you're going on a trip and need a sitter? I personally am waiting on the N shortage to be over and have to wait until 2023

I've considered this. My urges have been really strong and frequent of late. I also think I chicken out when I overthink/plan. Its best to do it when I'm in the moment. Leaving my pup with someone for too long might raise some suspicion.
My other plan is to order SN, have it ready and go away on a last little vacation. Maybe even ctb in Mexico.

 

[Weebster]

Wtf. What were the effects of drinking kerosene?

 

[FsMama]

Wtf. What were the effects of drinking kerosene?

I honestly don't remember much. I'm a disassociation expert due to childhood trauma. I remember throwing up black fluid in a hospital (probably charcoal). I remember drinking it though, I was having one of those rare regular days. I didn't plan it. Kerosene was always around the house, but this day I noticed it and just went for it. It tasted oily, coated my mouth/throat. I don't remember if it stung. It smelled good (like a gas station if you like the smell). I don't remember anything after that. Disassociated or blacked out.

 

[Weebster]

I honestly don't remember much. I'm a disassociation expert due to childhood trauma. I remember throwing up black fluid in a hospital (probably charcoal). I remember drinking it though, I was having one of those rare regular days. I didn't plan it. Kerosene was always around the house, but this day I noticed it and just went for it. It tasted oily, coated my mouth/throat. I don't remember if it stung. It smelled good (like a gas station if you like the smell). I don't remember anything after that. Disassociated or blacked out.

A lit match on your tongue...

 

[FsMama]

A lit match on your tongue...

i've thought about that. In the words on Lucille Bluth 'it just makes me want to light myself on fire'.

 

[Weebster]

i've thought about that.

That would've been a nightmare. Imagine the pain

 

[Nigh]

I feel you. Tried hanging myself a few times, but it was too painful and uncomfortable. A few times I got pretty close to blacking out, but my SI kicked in so I ended up ordering SN.

They make it look so easy in the movies.

 

[Clerix]

I have never attempted hanging personally, to me it sounds like an awful way to leave this world and the fear of failure is what holds me back. I think that if I had the option of N I would be relieved, it sounds like the most peaceful method. I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point and I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Hanging is surprisingly quick and painless if you do it right. If you put the noose just beneath your left jaw and drop far enough it breaks your neck and you fall unconscious instantly. that's how executions by hanging are performed and it's a lot more humane than people realise

 

[FsMama]

I ordered SN todays folks.
I hope my time to CTB is soon. I don't give a fuck anymore.
I wish I could CTB holding my dog and the person I love the mist and go away feeling loved but I guess thats a pipe dream

 

[wanttodie]

me to

I tried to hang myself multiple times but I felt extreme fear just before I was supposed to pass out and stopped myself

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Same.
Week ago an today. Intense fear when body starts relaxing or heart pumping harder.
I am sorry you are going through this.