un.exist
peace welcomes with a grip of ice
- Dec 25, 2025
- 115
I was just trying it out. I didnt understand why others did it, does it really help?
I tried it on my left forearm, it was hard at first, i really couldn't cut myself, how did others do it?
When i did manage to cut, it was tiny, barely there, i dont remember if there was blood
I didn't feel anything at all, i didnt understand, how could someone get addicted to doing this
I kept doing it, more and more often, telling myself i was just testing, theres no way i can get addicted. I started getting more comfortable, the cuts got larger, blood was more frequent, nothing really dangerous still. I still didn't understand how one could get addicted to this.
Some time after, maybe a month or more . I was spiralling really hard. You see i have this thing where i can look absolutely normal and be a total mess in my head, haha ok that was irrelevant so i was spiralling really hard i dont know when i learnt to reach for the blade in times like this, i didnt intend to cut any deeper than the usual cut that'd leave a smooth mark after a week or so, this time id cut into he dermis nothing really scary or new, though the wound was gaping and took quite a while to close itself, its left this permanent mark, dark around the edges, pink inside. I didnt intend that, it just happened, i didnt realise till after id cut...well that was the first time, it happened again and again and again. Strangely enough i still believed i wasnt addicted and could stop whenever i wished
The most recent, being a little over a week ago, last tuesday yeah. So you see i also have this thing where everything could be perfectly neutral and id suddenly start spiralling, maybe there was a little trigger, maybe there wasn't, i didn't even spiral for long before already reaching for the blade and before id even knew what i was doing id cut myself again, it was only after that i saw how gaping it was, i didnt even feel the pain, not really, the blood was a lot, i put tissue upon tissue, elevated my arm, paced around like it was gonna help, put pressure so hard, id look at the wound and it was still bleeding, id think ill never cut again, never, never, that wound scared me, the skin split so much i thought it would be impossible to close. A panicky while after, the bleeding well, reduced, i looked at it again and knew this definetly needed stitches or its a big risk of infection, i mean the wound was gaping so much it was practically inviting bacteria. I did think of the consequences, how would i explain a cut on my upper forearm, it was surrounded by other numerous cuts too, it wouldnt take a genius to guess. Id also managed to squeeze outta therapy, this could get it back...so i didn't do anything. I got a cloth and tied it on my arm, well this and that. The wound grew to be one ugly fellow, even uglier than me and that tells you a lot. It looked so ... even i couldn't look at it for long. I think im used to it now tho or maybe its gotten a little better? Idk but i was hoping it wouldnt get infected. I did see some yellow stuff on it somedays but well it washed off.....mostly. Now its still not closed up , still ugly, kinda hurts sometimes.
Lately I find myself reaching for the blade whenever i get that surge of emotions, id stop myself, well the wound did, it was so ugly and the moment i cut it would keep replaying in my head, the fear, the panic, the promise i made to myself to not do it again. Seems I'm getting too used to the wound now, cuz that promise is getting harder to keep.
I tried it on my left forearm, it was hard at first, i really couldn't cut myself, how did others do it?
When i did manage to cut, it was tiny, barely there, i dont remember if there was blood
I didn't feel anything at all, i didnt understand, how could someone get addicted to doing this
I kept doing it, more and more often, telling myself i was just testing, theres no way i can get addicted. I started getting more comfortable, the cuts got larger, blood was more frequent, nothing really dangerous still. I still didn't understand how one could get addicted to this.
Some time after, maybe a month or more . I was spiralling really hard. You see i have this thing where i can look absolutely normal and be a total mess in my head, haha ok that was irrelevant so i was spiralling really hard i dont know when i learnt to reach for the blade in times like this, i didnt intend to cut any deeper than the usual cut that'd leave a smooth mark after a week or so, this time id cut into he dermis nothing really scary or new, though the wound was gaping and took quite a while to close itself, its left this permanent mark, dark around the edges, pink inside. I didnt intend that, it just happened, i didnt realise till after id cut...well that was the first time, it happened again and again and again. Strangely enough i still believed i wasnt addicted and could stop whenever i wished
The most recent, being a little over a week ago, last tuesday yeah. So you see i also have this thing where everything could be perfectly neutral and id suddenly start spiralling, maybe there was a little trigger, maybe there wasn't, i didn't even spiral for long before already reaching for the blade and before id even knew what i was doing id cut myself again, it was only after that i saw how gaping it was, i didnt even feel the pain, not really, the blood was a lot, i put tissue upon tissue, elevated my arm, paced around like it was gonna help, put pressure so hard, id look at the wound and it was still bleeding, id think ill never cut again, never, never, that wound scared me, the skin split so much i thought it would be impossible to close. A panicky while after, the bleeding well, reduced, i looked at it again and knew this definetly needed stitches or its a big risk of infection, i mean the wound was gaping so much it was practically inviting bacteria. I did think of the consequences, how would i explain a cut on my upper forearm, it was surrounded by other numerous cuts too, it wouldnt take a genius to guess. Id also managed to squeeze outta therapy, this could get it back...so i didn't do anything. I got a cloth and tied it on my arm, well this and that. The wound grew to be one ugly fellow, even uglier than me and that tells you a lot. It looked so ... even i couldn't look at it for long. I think im used to it now tho or maybe its gotten a little better? Idk but i was hoping it wouldnt get infected. I did see some yellow stuff on it somedays but well it washed off.....mostly. Now its still not closed up , still ugly, kinda hurts sometimes.
Lately I find myself reaching for the blade whenever i get that surge of emotions, id stop myself, well the wound did, it was so ugly and the moment i cut it would keep replaying in my head, the fear, the panic, the promise i made to myself to not do it again. Seems I'm getting too used to the wound now, cuz that promise is getting harder to keep.
