Venting I thought things could be different

[FoxSauce]

Honestly I dunno how to start this so bear with me.

Today I just wanted to go out with my mom and sisters but the only thing that came out of it is pure hell.

Ever since I came from my hospitalization things could be different I guess is wishful thinking it was only a matter of time to things go back to the way they were.

Fights more fights and so on

I feel utterly tired and frustrated no matter how hard I try to be better despite my circumstances people will still disappoint you.

I just wanted to go out to eat today or at least hangout beacuse we've been so busy with our lives we barely got time for eachother , I asked today not to work so I could hangout with my mom and sisters and it goes to hell.

None of us didn't know we're to go and a few minutes before we left we had to pay. Don't get me wrong I don't mind paying for anyones meal money for me isn't important but they could've least told me in advance so I could prepare and I told them I wanted to go out before I got discharge...

My sister told me it was my fault since I didn't plan anything and I dunno what to think.

Is it my fault? Am I the problem? If I was dead could everything be better?

I feel so fucking worthless sometimes I feel that no one wants to be with me not even my family. I'm not the easiest person to be around by any means but God I feel like my own mother doesn't want me. Not even my sister appreciate me.

I know its shallow for me to think so selfishly but I'm tired.

I've so many times my mom saying that she wants to move out and be by herself or she even wants to die than to be with me.

My mom is not a villain by any means she gave what she could she really did.

Im just tired of fighting for any significant thing. I know we have a awful communication problem but hearing my own mom saying that I really want to go to a psychiatric hospital cuz she so tired and frustrated plus saying she can't wait to move out to her own apartment makes me feel so worthless.

I dunno if I have a right to feel that way,

Honest to grave I wanted to commit suicide I really wish I did. My doctor convinced me to go to the hospital I was so depressed my thoughts were telling me to kill myself, telling me that one one loves me who couldve love someone as disgusting as me. That I'm a bad person.

That I knew they were right but im too much of a fucking pussy to kill myself.

I honestly wish I wasn't such a bad person.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I'm sure your Mum is nice and supportive in other ways but honestly, I think that's a very cruel thing to say to someone. Especially your own child.

I suppose what often leads to disappointment in life is having expectations. It's a little tricky to say whether we have the right to have expectations. We're basically expecting another human to act and react in a certain way but- they may not be in the mood that day. I don't think it makes us a bad person exactly to hope things from people but, it is very risky because, we're always at risk of them letting us down.

I don't think it necessarily makes someone a bad person if they are very needy. Not knowing you, it's not fair to judge but I suppose your Mum does sound overwhelmed. That may not necessarily be you though. It may be something going on with her that she can't cope.

Regardless though, it seems so cruel to me to express it like she does. Being anti-natilist, I don't have huge amounts of sympathy for parents if I'm honest. There's no telling how much support a child will need. Possibly all it's life. That's a risk they take when they choose to have children. It's not the child's fault they were brought here and need help to cope with life.

I suppose all you can do is learn from this experience. Why did it go wrong? It sounds as if it's mainly because you didn't communicate your wishes/ plans to them early enough. Maybe in future, you just need to ensure that you do that.

I maybe didn't fully understand the situation but, I suppose I can see it from both perspectives. You had this nice day out planned. The intentions were nice I'm sure. If you just sprang it on them though, they may have had other things in mind they intended to do so, they may have felt irritated that they were just being expected to change their plans.

Doesn't necessarily make you a bad person- they still did spend time with you so- it's not like they don't want to be around you. But, it probably just means you've realised they don't enjoy being told things last minute and being expected to just change their plans to suite.

It's just people's habits and quirks in a way. I've had very loving people in my family who, none the less don't like being called at certain times. It can also hurt a little to feel like a television programme say is more important than your relationship but, it's respecting the things that are important to them I suppose.

We have to live with consideration of one another's needs a lot of the time I think. It's probably not that they don't love us. More that they can't be there for us 24/7. They also need their own time and plans respected. I guess that's where planning comes in. If you'd all agreed and planned to go out on a certain day, you could all look forward to it.