Venting I thought I would be gone by now.

[Nephthys22]

I thought Saturday would be the day but it wasn't, once I decide to eat, I automatically know I am going to live another day. I thought I would Sunday would be the day, yet here it is Monday and I am still here. SI is powerful. I am terrified of what will happen afterwards. I am afraid that it will hurt and there will be suffering. I am afraid of surviving and having to deal with all the ramifications of my decisions. I am tired of hearing "It will get better" when I know full well it wont and this phrase only leads to me to lash out and push away the people who are doing all they know how to do to help. My husband who is aware of my condition made the comment "what if you have to spend all of eternity watching everything you didn't get to do because you chose to end your life prematurely." I don't want this illness, I don't want to feel this way, but as I have spent a good portion of my younger years in psychiatric hospitals and dealing with ideation, I feel as though it will never get better. I feel as though I may not have a terminal physical illness, I feel as though my mental illness is terminal. I have my "kit", but it mainly sits untouched. Sometimes things I see on this forum are comforting, sometimes they are terrifying. I wish I was stronger than I am, but depression and anxiety feels so much stronger. The society that I live in very rarely cares about these types of problems and issues. My job is a major stressor and things have progressively gotten worse since I have started there. It is easy to say find another one, but I feel as though I have a moral obligation , and finding something else is even more stress on me, especially in a time where I should feel grateful that I am employed. Plus, I lack the energy. On the way to work, I often hope for some kind of accident to occur, actively pray for it. I hope that the next day I don't wake up. I feel as if death not done by my hands, and that I had no control over it is somehow better. Perhaps, I should look more towards recovery. I have always been a fierce advocate of battling your demons and not taking no for an answer, but these days its getting harder and harder and I feel I am only left with the option of CTB if i want to end this cycle. I also feel a great deal of guilt. Not towards anyone in particular, but towards individuals who have it so much worse than I do, and still manage to find happiness and reasons to continue in their lives and find things they look forward to. Its hard to explain to anyone that I find no pleasure in anything anymore. Things that use to bring me joy no longer do. I don't know if I will ever have the gumption to CTB. I have made it this long after all. Thanks for listening to my vent.
t

 

[Silver]

I love your profile picture lol.

You're right that SI is hard to overcome. I've postponed my ctb several times, 'I can't do it today because ...' What is causing your anxiety about the final decision? Uncertainty about method? Wondering what happens after death?

You say you've had a long history of mental illness and going off what you've written you do sound depressed so maybe changing or beginning antidepressants might help? Apologies if this is something you've already tried before.

 

[MrAsclepius]

It hits you like a personal attack by the world, almost. When someone asks you why you gave something away, why you stopped talking to someone, why you rejected opportunities. They all have the same answer..

 

[Nephthys22]

I love your profile picture lol.

You're right that SI is hard to overcome. I've postponed my ctb several times, 'I can't do it today because ...' What is causing your anxiety about the final decision? Uncertainty about method? Wondering what happens after death?

You say you've had a long history of mental illness and going off what you've written you do sound depressed so maybe changing or beginning antidepressants might help? Apologies if this is something you've already tried before.

Thank you!
I think my anxiety is a little bit of both. I don't actually believe in an afterlife....but what if you know? And if it is what if its worse. My method is SN and I do have it, but I am unsure about the method. It seems like there is a bit of suffering involved and I dont like the grey skin.

 

[tidalwxves]

I thought Saturday would be the day but it wasn't, once I decide to eat, I automatically know I am going to live another day. I thought I would Sunday would be the day, yet here it is Monday and I am still here. SI is powerful. I am terrified of what will happen afterwards. I am afraid that it will hurt and there will be suffering. I am afraid of surviving and having to deal with all the ramifications of my decisions. I am tired of hearing "It will get better" when I know full well it wont and this phrase only leads to me to lash out and push away the people who are doing all they know how to do to help. My husband who is aware of my condition made the comment "what if you have to spend all of eternity watching everything you didn't get to do because you chose to end your life prematurely." I don't want this illness, I don't want to feel this way, but as I have spent a good portion of my younger years in psychiatric hospitals and dealing with ideation, I feel as though it will never get better. I feel as though I may not have a terminal physical illness, I feel as though my mental illness is terminal. I have my "kit", but it mainly sits untouched. Sometimes things I see on this forum are comforting, sometimes they are terrifying. I wish I was stronger than I am, but depression and anxiety feels so much stronger. The society that I live in very rarely cares about these types of problems and issues. My job is a major stressor and things have progressively gotten worse since I have started there. It is easy to say find another one, but I feel as though I have a moral obligation , and finding something else is even more stress on me, especially in a time where I should feel grateful that I am employed. Plus, I lack the energy. On the way to work, I often hope for some kind of accident to occur, actively pray for it. I hope that the next day I don't wake up. I feel as if death not done by my hands, and that I had no control over it is somehow better. Perhaps, I should look more towards recovery. I have always been a fierce advocate of battling your demons and not taking no for an answer, but these days its getting harder and harder and I feel I am only left with the option of CTB if i want to end this cycle. I also feel a great deal of guilt. Not towards anyone in particular, but towards individuals who have it so much worse than I do, and still manage to find happiness and reasons to continue in their lives and find things they look forward to. Its hard to explain to anyone that I find no pleasure in anything anymore. Things that use to bring me joy no longer do. I don't know if I will ever have the gumption to CTB. I have made it this long after all. Thanks for listening to my vent.
t

Thank you for being honest, I'm proud of you for opening up. CTB is not your only option, you don't have to force yourself to go through with it and as for the issues you have you don't have to face them alone, there are people in your life that can either help you manage your work stress or find a job that isn't as stressful. Again, it's hard to speak your truth. This post was brave, kudos for that

 

[TattiQueen]

Thank you for sharing! It definitely took a lot of courage and a deep understanding for you to come this far. I absolutely applaud you! What I am gathering from your post, is that you really don't want to have to follow through with your plan, and the decision that you have rested upon. Well here is the good news, YOU CAN COMPLETELY WALK AWAY FROM IT. You still have time to do this, if you really don't want to. I worry of you going into it doubting this decision, feeling an obligation to follow through while that nagging tugs, and then putting yourself in a worse place mentally, physically, and emotionally, than you are in now. Recovery being seen as an option speaks volumes, my dear! I would recommend looking further into it as a possibility, if it is the direction you are compelled to follow. You're having these feelings for a reason love. Please don't ignore them. If you need to talk, message me anytime ! I'm great at just listening. Wishing you luck, sending you love, and positive thoughts on whichever path you so choose. Don't be a stranger !