I thought I was in recovery but now I'm cutting again and I feel worthless

[deathbylife]

Just what it says

 

[enviro400mmc]

I feel like I've changed my mind about 10 times since joining this place about what forum is for me. Suicidal ideation is such a deep hole which it's difficult not to keep on getting dragged into.

 

[deathbylife]

I feel like I've changed my mind about 10 times since joining this place about what forum is for me. Suicidal ideation is such a deep hole which it's difficult not to keep on getting dragged into.

If you don't talk about it you just continue obsessing about it. It can't get much worse by the time we land here.

 

[yyytry]

The thing about recovering…

It's never some linear direction. Sometimes people say you'll take steps backwards, like regression.
But it isn't truly backwards. Since this isn't linear.
Think of it as lateral steps. Sideways steps. That's what helps me, instead of "oh I've lost progress".
You truly haven't lost progress bc you still have your awareness of it all.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah just because you cut doesn't mean negate whatever progress you made.

 

[aforestfire]

the problem of relapsing is that it feels like all the progress was useless, but i promise you it wasn't, recovery is (almost) never linear, you can't let yourself be dragged down again just because you relapse; this is part of recovering. it's more easy to say than doing, tbh, but i wish you the best.

 

[yyytry]

Yeah. Eventually the goal is, to have these relapses be less and less frequent. And to use replacement behaviors.

I hit myself. When I really go at it, my whole body/face/head will be covered in bruises. Black eyes.

I took photos of myself in that state and keep them in an album on my phone. When I want to destroy myself, I go to the album now first. It helps me slow down. And realize what I will look like for 2 weeks.

But every now and then, I sidestep. Relapse. Bash my head into the fireproof door. It's hard to let go of this maladaptive coping mechanism. It's much less frequent now.

I hope for the best for you.

 

[deathbylife]

The thing about recovering…

It's never some linear direction. Sometimes people say you'll take steps backwards, like regression.
But it isn't truly backwards. Since this isn't linear.
Think of it as lateral steps. Sideways steps. That's what helps me, instead of "oh I've lost progress".
You truly haven't lost progress bc you still have your awareness of it all.

Yes, that seems to have escaped me. I just want everything as soon as possible and I work hard for any progress so I feel cheated if I fall backwards.

 

[yyytry]

Yes, that seems to have escaped me. I just want everything as soon as possible and I work hard for any progress so I feel cheated if I fall backwards.

I know that feeling.

This is gonna sound weird, but maybe video tape the cutting next time. Just for yourself. And watch it before you go to cut again.

 

[deathbylife]

I know that feeling.

This is gonna sound weird, but maybe video tape the cutting next time. Just for yourself. And watch it before you go to cut again.

I like that idea. Maybe it would be a good substitution for the real thing.

 

[Unending]

I like that idea. Maybe it would be a good substitution for the real thing.

Videos of cutting definitely turn me off from it and make me feel the need to be more careful, even if only temporarily.

 

[hiddenbpd]

Me too. Worthlessness is a horrendous feeling.