Help I think the stars are aligned for me to commit suicide

[PAfb_640]

It's Ramadan. If I kill myself, I can ruin my parents Eid by making them waste it mourning for me. I'll make my death more impactful than my life ever is.

In university, some people recognize me, but I still don't have any meaningful connections. So some may mourn me, but no hearts will be broken. I do have assignment group members though. Oh well, I am replaceable. They'll just find new members.

I'm done living like a corpse. I'm done having no intimacy. I'm done feeling anxious and regretful. I'm done waiting for Hell. I'm done being addicted to ignorant bliss. I'm done feeling useless. I'm done being stupid. I'm done having my attention span ruined by social media. I'm done living in a useless country. I'm done living in a burning world. I'm done being around hypocrites. I'm done with life.
This is the closest I've ever felt to committing. I'm scared.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

You have value independent of how popular you are or what people think of you.

Can you share a little more about what in particularly you've been struggling with? It sounds like you are feeling very lonely, for one thing.

 

[Valky]

Trust me, a suicide will always have way more impact than we think.

People that have seen you will think about you, what they could have done, if there were any signs, etc.
People that are also struggling will relate to you, maybe even envy you.
I promise you a death of someone, especially suicide will always have a great impact of one's surrounding.

But also remember, the amount of connections you form will never define your own value. Just because you don't know that many doesn't mean that you are the coolest sock in the house. Or the most caring one. Or the most passionate one. You are you and you are beautiful the way you are. The only thing you are missing is people giving you a serious chance to become friends or more.

You matter.

 

[PAfb_640]

I'm the type of guy to get super annoyed with the inconveniences of life. When I play video games, I always save-scum if things don't go my way. So many inconveniences are piling up to this huge "anxiety monster"; from bad class schedules, lack of meaningful socializing, self-hatred, bad news from around the world that makes me depressed, all adding up. I see suicide as the easiest escape.

But there are a few things that are "anchoring" me to live. First, I managed to "ask permission to befriend" a girl who used to be in my class - however the main reason I did that is because I have a crush on her. It is probably unhealthy, but it is what it is. I used this tactic a few years ago when I was suicidal but haven't found this site. It was with a different girl back then. We met through and exmuslim subreddit and found out that we are in the same country. I saw a potential future with her and my mind was just "Do it for her. Stay alive for her." It's not like we talked much. Maybe just a conversation once in a few months. Not sure if it worked. In the end, I tried confessing to her but it turned out she already has a boyfriend. Oddly, I didn't felt heartbroken, I felt free as if an anchor that was weighing me down is no longer dragging me. I thought, "At least I can feel free to start new relationships, maybe try dating too." But my introvert ass didn't do anything. Still the same pathetic loner.

This new crush is different. We've met because we were in the same assignment group. She always wore a face mask in public, I never saw her full face. But I still imagine a future with her. Although, this time I think is less realistic. We are from different races and religion (legally speaking. However, I'm a closeted atheist) and in my country, marriages like these are not allowed. I feel like that anchor is back. Sure, it's anchoring me to life but it's still an anchor.

 

[SmallestBigDeal]

Seek help. Sometimes it can feel like you're being talked down to, and talking about things can be tricky, but the advice you walk away with can genuinely change your perception of lots of things. Here's a good starter: dying won't fix anything. Sure, it gets rid of the negative, but it will also get rid of the positive. I don't know what religion you are, but you always have to consider the possibility that once you die, there may be no afterlife. There's always the possibility that when you die, you'll simply be confined to the nothingness for eternity, with nothing that ever brought you joy being able to reach you. It would be misery.