i think the only way out for me is suicide

[iamwaiting]

since i was 9 i've been suicidal, and honestly, it never has gotten better. it's gotten better for a while, and then what? it goes down from there. right now, i'm at a new fucking rock bottom. everyday i feel like shit and i'm barely living, just surviving. all i do is feel extreme hate towards myself and guilt. last year, i tried to attempt and ended up in the hospital. i remember my family called me selfish and asked how i could do that if i had a good life. people told me it'd get better. but it's only gotten worse. because of my depression, ive gained 40+ lbs, and my self-esteem is worse than ever. my family says they love me, however they only love the concept of me. especially since i'm a closested bisexual, and my parents are extremely homophobic. everyday i spend, i try to tell myself it'll be okay, that i can make it to the end of the day, that the next day will be better. but it never is. i have no one in my life. and here i am, because i was forced to live by my family, i live a life where i feel miserable. yet i'm the selfish one. i think i might just try again. i don't know what to do anymore. there's no other answer that makes sense. i know this is repetitive and i'm sorry, i'm just rambling.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm sorry for the way you've been treated, it sounds awful

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I'd also be devastated if I was in the same situation as you. I hope you find peace soon

 

[coffeebeany]

I m so sorry of what you have been going through. You are absolutely not selfish and your family is wrong for telling you that. I m sorry that instead of showing compassion they try to shame. The never ending pain and the distress must be so overwhelming for you. But don't be too hard on yourself for feeling what you feel. Your feelings are real and valid. And I think sometimes family members can be shaming because deep down they fear that they play a part in their child's problems and they cannot bear it (at least I think it could be part of it). Not saying that all problems are caused by parents though. But we cannot negate their influence and impact.


I can also relate to a great extend. I ve tried to ctb at the age of 9 but have been suicidal long before that. I ve worked so hard and tried to become better and "healthy". But now at the age of 33 I ve come to accept that I won't.