Venting I think now is the time to kill myself.

[cowbain]

I want to start off by saying I'm still a teenager and I may or may not have "youth" and "time" on my side but to me that doesn't really matter and I still doubt my life can get better with my circumstances.

My family really ruined my life.

Both of my parents had 0 business having kids and yet I'm here! *eye roll* They both had bad childhoods filled with abuse and neglect so I'm not surprised they treated me that way too. Still that's never an excuse, and I've given them so many opportunities including family therapy and unfortunately I learned young at 16 that they'd never change. I've dealt with every kind of abuse (emotional, sexual, physical, verbal, mental, financial) all because of my family.

It was easier to deal with when I was super young because I had naiveness in my favor but as you get older you start to realize things. And at 14 was when everything really hit.

I had a lot of stressors going on during that time that may have caused "my breakdown". My dad almost died due to a motorcycle accident, and in that same week my house got broken into and because I live in a very predominantly white town while being black the cops did nothing about it because the perpetrators were my white neighbors. That year I also had to see the person that raped me during my childhood that just so happens to be my older half brother (ik it's disgusting). I also got accepted into early college so I was going to be doing that instead of traditional high school and I felt a lot of pressure to do well. Just everything combined together + repressing reality and my emotions for years became too much to handle and I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder, ptsd, and I'm pretty sure I had/have ocd too.

And then due to me having anxiety attacks and not being able to stay in classrooms along with newly developed concentration problems thanks to my mental health, I stopped going to school at 15. It really sucks because all my life I've done well academically and school was like the one thing that I felt I had control over. And now that's all gone. Or at least has been really hidden the past few years. I hate mental illness because of that. It took away the one thing that could've made me get out of this hell hole. And normal people don't understand that. When I tell them I stopped going to school I know they just judge me and think I'm lazy when in reality academics had nothing to do with why I stopped going and I worked my ass off to even be considered to get accepted into early college.

Throughout the past two years everything has just gotten even more intense and I don't know what to do anymore to make things better. I've tried therapy, medications (antidepressants that just made me feel numb), and I've also been in the foster system and yikes... that would require a post in itself. My parents isolate me a lot and have even sabotaged me working or being independent. I'd rather die than have to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm dealing with so much regret even though none of this is my fault. I just hate that I never got a high school experience and lost my teen years due to an abusive family and mental illness. I hate that I stopped going to school.

I don't have friends because of the isolation but honestly who'd want to be friends with someone like me? I have way too many problems and I can't relate to people my age. I can relate more to people who are older than me but even then there's things I haven't experienced like moving out, driving, having a job, doing basic adult things?, relationships, etc. I'm miserable 100% of the time so the friendship would just be me complaining about my shit life anyways and that wouldn't be fair to that other person. Even with online friendships I feel like I just bother people because of how gross my life is and no one is ever really there for me. Its the same way about relationships. People want sex and I can't give them that when I'm not even healed from my past traumas. People only care about and want to help others that at least can do something for them, but I'm damaged goods.

So um yeah I don't really know how to end this other than saying if you've made it this far thanks for reading my sort of long ramble/vent and that I'm thinking of choosing partial suspension as my method... so if anyone has experience with that/can give me information, or offer better ways to ctb that'd be cool. As long as the methods are easy, accessible, and somewhat painless. And please don't tell me to report my family to authorities. They already know, if they cared something would've happened by now.

 

[painoflife]

I am sorry for what has happened to you so far in your life, you have been through so much. Growing up should be enjoyable but it seems your family ruined that experience for you.
Is there an option of you moving away? It won't heal past experiences but can maybe mean you can build a better future.

 

[gingerplum]

Wow. That is more than anyone should have to deal with, much less a child of 14.

So obviously, you're very bright, and I wish you didn't view your current situation insurmountable.

You could always go to a community college for a couple of years, then transfer to a university. I think therapy would also be in order; this forum is actually often a form of therapy itself; it probably felt cathartic for you to write & communicate the trauma of your past and the struggle with your current circumstances.

I've read your prior posts, and I think a new therapist is definitely warranted, maybe with a recommendation for medical management so you might try a different antidepressant and/or something for anxiety. A therapist that specializes in PTSD would be ideal.

I hope you'll find a manageable way to address all of your issues; even a little bit, one at a time. Even baby steps might give you more of a sense of control in your life. I know the option of suicide is empowering, because it gives us a choice, but I always think it should be the last resort after all possible resources are exhausted.

Anyway, the choice is yours. I hope you'll think thru all of your options and at least maybe implement the 3 day rule. I think you're so worth it.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I can relate to much of what you say. I dealt with similar things during my teen years. I also made 1 attempt during that time.

Do you think some of your problems would be helped if you were to get out of your home?

I was just thinking that since you are super smart it would be possible to go away to school; maybe a state college. A new positive environment could possibly provide a start to healing?

 

[Return2Dust]

Let me start by saying you were dealt a crummy hand so far in this life. I'm so sorry. Parents mess up their kids because they don't know how to be parents themselves. We have this idea that we'll get out of our parent's abusive house and create our own family and life will be better than the mess we came from. The problem is we had nothing healthy to model.
The good news is that you sound like a bright, self-aware, resilient young woman. The insight you possess about your upbringing is a huge plus on the road to healing.
Finding a strong woman mentor would be a huge blessing for you. With the right mentor, there's nothing you could do or say that would run her off. You would do big things with someone that has your back no matter what. Have you thought about finding someone to champion you? Finding a mentor isn't easy, but so worth it.
The nice thing about a ctb plan is you can put it together, then put it on hold.
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe in you.

 

[makingsure4]

So uh, I love these nice and helpful things people told you but you do realize you have to be 18 to be on here. If you are good...and teen years are filled with the insanity of hormones changing so give it time. Abuse Sucks. Mental health issues can be ridiculously hard to deal with but you can always get your ged then go to college. Sorry in the states it's called ged. High school equivalency test which sounds like you already have or are ready to take. If not library to prep or adult ed courses. You hate being canned in with your abusers. Try dorms with other students maybe. You have a lot of life ahead of you to quit now! Good Luck!
Maybe I'm just getting paranoid with all this pro life stuff trying to take down our sight like we are supposed to count the years from when you said 14. If I knew how to make a heart or hug emoji by your story I would but alas with me and my old technical gear can only get the like button and I definitely don't like what has happened in your life. It is sad.
But I like your courage to tell it.

 

[alpacasuitcase]

This thread is from 2019 haha

So uh, I love these nice and helpful things people told you but you do realize you have to be 18 to be on here. If you are good...and teen years are filled with the insanity of hormones changing so give it time. Abuse Sucks. Mental health issues can be ridiculously hard to deal with but you can always get your ged then go to college. Sorry in the states it's called ged. High school equivalency test which sounds like you already have or are ready to take. If not library to prep or adult ed courses. You hate being canned in with your abusers. Try dorms with other students maybe. You have a lot of life ahead of you to quit now! Good Luck!
Maybe I'm just getting paranoid with all this pro life stuff trying to take down our sight like we are supposed to count the years from when you said 14. If I knew how to make a heart or hug emoji by your story I would but alas with me and my old technical gear can only get the like button and I definitely don't like what has happened in your life. It is sad.
But I like your courage to tell it.

Forgot to quote for notif

 

[makingsure4]

LOL!!! Well no reason to be paranoid then!