Would you like to share what happened last evening? If it's too much, of course you don't have to.
Not really anything specific. I got drunk like I do often, I totally flipped. I just realized how exhausted I am, how done I am. How much I hate life and how much I want it to be over. And this feeling just didn't go away anymore.
Didn't go to therapy because I just feel really bad and too exhausted. Of course I get the default 'especially when you feel bad it's important to come to therapy' response. Well believe me, therapy is not gonna help me at this point it will only make things worse, because they wouldn't understand a thing of what I'm going through and feeling and they would just say lame ass things to make me feel even worse.
I ran off a few hours ago. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. The place where I live keeps calling me and I'm pretty sure they alerted the police at this point. I just sit on a bench with a backpack full of stuff and my SN in it as well. I threw away the original package somewhere on the way so no one will know what it is.
I just need some time on my own to think about this shit, can people just leave me alone for one damn sec please? No one ever leaves me alone. If I told them I'd run off in total panic mode they would have called the police immediately. But now I feel bad for ignoring their calls but I just wanna be alone for some time. I need to get my shit straight. I took my sn and goodbye letters with me. Maybe I should send them a text message that I need some alone time, as I feel really bad for ignoring them. Ugh why is life so complicated? I really hate that I can not fart without anyone knowing I do. I live like this for years now and it's no fun.
I bought myself some time by texting the institution that I need some alone time and they were like 'ok we will respect that' but then they called my parents and they started stalking me as well ugh. I hate when they bother my parents with shit like this. Now I feel even worse because my mom is freaking out. I'm a fucking adult stop annoying my mom with stuff like this. Also 10 minutes after the 'ok we respect it' I get another text 'when we will be back we are worried' I'm not even sure if I should answer that. I mean most likely I'll be gone for a a bit, maybe I will never even come back alive.
