Venting I think my reason to CTB is idiotic

[NekiLik]

Since I was young I struggled with mental health issues and a terrible life at home and school, but the thing is I was never suicidal. I have traumas and PTSD but still wasn't suicidal. The thing is as soon as I fall in love with someone and get rejected or realize how lonely I am romantically I try to CTB. Three out of four times were directly caused by my love interest, and the fourth one was still related to me "breaking up" with a person I loved (it wasn't really a real relationship but I perceived it as such). I always blame it on my childhood, my environment, work, and lack of support, and while those things are definitely not helping me, they don't make my life miserable.

I'm blessed with wonderful friends, maintain an active social life, and have a great job. Despite bad relationships with my parents, who are fortunately still alive, I should theoretically possess a more optimistic outlook. I should not have a grim outlook on life. But as time moves on I just am becoming more and more hopeless and depressed. Even if I found a partner I am not sure if that would help me totally, and I am sick of people telling me "Ugh first fix yourself and then find a partner" or "Everyone has their soulmate just wait". The worst thing is I see a lot of people older than me, even in their 50s and 60s never having been in a relationship. I wouldn't say I am ugly, I am average, maybe overweight but that's it.

The last time I thought I would have a relationship I was so happy and thought it would get only better from there. The person even told me that they loved me. Then it all came crashing down. I tried to OD but didn't succeed. After that I lost all hope of getting better, I'm taking therapy both pills and psychotherapy, but it is not helping. I don't know, from an outside perspective it may seem silly but I don't see the point of living without a partner, and I lost all hope that I will ever find one, I just want to finish it all and get out of this miserable loop.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

If a damn billionaire, someone we think should have it all in the world can jump out of a window then it proves that the human mind isn't that simple with regards to "you should be happy because you have this or that which other people don't".

"Everyone has their soulmate just wait". The worst thing is I see a lot of people older than me, even in their 50s and 60s never having been in a relationship. I

Yeah I disagree with that statement, a lot of people will die having not shared a significant amount of their life with a partner. It's just not always gonna for everybody plus how many people out there can be really trusted to be someone worth investing a great deal of effort into, turning out to be worth it.

 

[NekiLik]

Yeah I disagree with that statement, a lot of people will die having not shared a significant amount of their life with a partner. It's just not always gonna for everybody plus how many people out there can be really trusted to be someone worth investing a great deal of effort into, turning out to be worth it.

I get that finding a partner isn't for everyone and it's good to be cautious about who we invest our emotions in, but, and this is probably me just being selfish, It's disheartening to see others finding happiness in relationships while I struggle to even find a future without a partner. It feels like a fundamental need that I'm unable to fulfill.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

this is probably me just being selfish, It's disheartening to see others finding happiness in relationships while I struggle to even find a future without a partner. It feels like a fundamental need that I'm unable to fulfill.

I'm certain it is because as you said, it's hard seeing other people find happiness from their relationships whereas you don't despite all your effort, for me, it isn't a fundamental need then again, it's not like I care a great deal about the future since ctb is all that I'm staring at but I suppose you want all your efforts to yield something tangible.

 

[Scythe]

It is a rather common reason to die though, it's not a stupid reason to die. Since humans are social creatures, for many being loved and companionship is a necessity to being alive. I also think the lack of love could simply be the last straw. Perhaps trauma plays a role as well in the sense that if you weren't traumatized, you would want to live even if you don't have a lover to spend your time with.

 

[SVEN]

I kinda like the Japanese saying, "Life is the meanest of gifts and costs nothing to refuse".

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I kinda like the Japanese saying, "Life is the meanest of gifts and costs nothing to refuse".

Woah never heard that one before.

 

[NekiLik]

I also think the lack of love could simply be the last straw. Perhaps trauma plays a role as well in the sense that if you weren't traumatized, you would want to live even if you don't have a lover to spend your time with.

Yeah probably, if I had a better past I probably wouldn't miss companionship so much.