I think i’ve hit a point where i’m more afraid to live than to die

[Volatile]

its a strange feeling. It's extremely nerve racking.

 

[windingdown]

It's kind of like there's a tipping point. Something that makes continuing on intolerable.

Something for me is that I've lost a lot of my hair over the past year. I can't bear it. I'm having a really bad day with it, feeling like I can't continue like this, because it's getting too bad. At the same time, part of my suicidality this time last year was because I thought I'd have bald spots by Thanksgiving. That never happened, and it still hasn't - incredibly. But I still keep wondering how much longer my hair is going to hang in there.

Of course, the hair is just one thing on top of other things. But it's proven to be a 'tipping point' factor for me (I am F by the way, and quite young).

 

[FadedMemory]

Same. I am afraid to go outside because there are people from my past everywhere. I am numb and tired and scared.
I think I might go sooner than I planned.

 

[Miss clefable]

I so can relate

 

[Final Escape]

I felt this feeling last night pretty bad, intense fear, and like I can't stay on top of anything. I can't manage my life. Impending doom.

 

[throwaway123]

I can relate. I have social anxiety and panic attacks. Anxiety sucks, especially when attempting to CTB.

 

[Shay]

It's kind of like there's a tipping point. Something that makes continuing on intolerable.

Something for me is that I've lost a lot of my hair over the past year. I can't bear it. I'm having a really bad day with it, feeling like I can't continue like this, because it's getting too bad. At the same time, part of my suicidality this time last year was because I thought I'd have bald spots by Thanksgiving. That never happened, and it still hasn't - incredibly. But I still keep wondering how much longer my hair is going to hang in there.

Of course, the hair is just one thing on top of other things. But it's proven to be a 'tipping point' factor for me (I am F by the way, and quite young).

I understand. Three months ago I was prescribed a drug I didn't want and took t bc bullied. All my hair is falling out and it is the only reason I want to end my life. Life was good before this for me. But this is unbearable. It's all fried and breaking and clumping. It's devastating

 

[Jon86]

What about life scares you? failure? embarrassment/shame? violence? 'what other people think about you'?

I think trying and failing again just isn't worth the trouble. I feel content with this despair, it's the highs and lows of trying that I don't want to experience ever again.

 

[Madrid27]

Metoo

 

[Ben]

Oh yea. Your thought is kind of pointing at itself, but I understand what you mean. It's not the fear of death keeping us alive; type of thing.

 

[bigj75]

I'm there too. Way too many negative emotions in life. No improvement in life. Constant mental pain. it's not worth living through.

 

[windingdown]

I understand. Three months ago I was prescribed a drug I didn't want and took t bc bullied. All my hair is falling out and it is the only reason I want to end my life. Life was good before this for me. But this is unbearable. It's all fried and breaking and clumping. It's devastating

I am so sorry to hear it. Hair loss can be psychologically devastating, and there are no platitudes that can diminish the pain it causes.

Hair loss, especially when it's sudden like yours or mine, perhaps has psychological effects akin to those caused by other sudden physical changes - things that just make you feel like a different person in the world, that change your sense of identity, or the way you perceive yourself. I think body changes from pregnancy may be an example. I also read about a fit woman who underwent cancer treatment and her body sort of blew up, and her hair regrew in a different color and texture - it's that sort of thing. When we're used to being one person, it can be very disorienting to start waking up as a different one. We don't necessarily identify with that person, or know how to be happy as them.

Aging is along these lines as well, like we just physically turn into someone we don't know how to be. Gosh, I liked being in my 20s (with a full head of hair).

 

[Shay]

I am so sorry to hear it. Hair loss can be psychologically devastating, and there are no platitudes that can diminish the pain it causes.

Hair loss, especially when it's sudden like yours or mine, perhaps has psychological effects akin to those caused by other sudden physical changes - things that just make you feel like a different person in the world, that change your sense of identity, or the way you perceive yourself. I think body changes from pregnancy may be an example. I also read about a fit woman who underwent cancer treatment and her body sort of blew up, and her hair regrew in a different color and texture - it's that sort of thing. When we're used to being one person, it can be very disorienting to start waking up as a different one. We don't necessarily identify with that person, or know how to be happy as them.

Aging is along these lines as well, like we just physically turn into someone we don't know how to be. Gosh, I liked being in my 20s (with a full head of hair).

Mine never should have happened so I'm devastated. I had a full head of long auburn wavy hair that was so easy to take care of. Now it's fried and falling out like crazy. This is why I hate drugs!!!

 

[windingdown]

Mine never should have happened so I'm devastated. I had a full head of long auburn wavy hair that was so easy to take care of. Now it's fried and falling out like crazy. This is why I hate drugs!!!

I'm sorry. I had really nice, easy hair, too - a lot of it. Now it's so thin. Every shower is scary. What drug is it, if you don't mind sharing?

 

[fade_away]

I understand. Three months ago I was prescribed a drug I didn't want and took t bc bullied. All my hair is falling out and it is the only reason I want to end my life. Life was good before this for me. But this is unbearable. It's all fried and breaking and clumping. It's devastating

Have you looked into any treatments for hair re-growth or changing medications? Because if that is the only reason you're suicidal, maybe it can be possible for you to be happy and enjoy life again. Just a thought.

 

[Shay]

Have you looked into any treatments for hair re-growth or changing medications? Because if that is the only reason you're suicidal, maybe it can be possible for you to be happy and enjoy life again. Just a thought.

I stopped the meds right away. Unfortunately the damage is done. Every strand is fried. Been to many doctors and hair specialists. I wish it was fixable

 

[Shay]

I'm sorry. I had really nice, easy hair, too - a lot of it. Now it's so thin. Every shower is scary. What drug is it, if you don't mind sharing?

Ambien and Xanax

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Dead would be great, but dying is going to suck. There needs to just be a vaporizing switch to flip. Poof, just gone.

All this thinking about leaving a mess or how painful it's going to be, that's what I'm afraid of more than life, death or anything else. Dying of whatever it is will be a horrendous experience, because idiots won't let us die well.

 

[fade_away]

I stopped the meds right away. Unfortunately the damage is done. Every strand is fried. Been to many doctors and hair specialists. I wish it was fixable

Really sorry to hear that. And I understand. I've had changes in my appearance that make me feel like a different person, but mine are mostly my own fault. It's horrible that a drug has changed your life so much.

 

[fade_away]

Dead would be great, but dying is going to suck. There needs to just be a vaporizing switch to flip. Poof, just gone.

All this thinking about leaving a mess or how painful it's going to be, that's what I'm afraid of more than life, death or anything else. Dying of whatever it is will be a horrendous experience, because idiots won't let us die well.

What I try to tell myself is that we are all going to die one way or another, and most people won't know how or when until it happens. It could be painless in your sleep, but it could also be much worse and I'm sure that will be very scary. At least with doing it ourselves, we are able to choose when and how. And with all the information out there, we have the ability to try to come up with the way that will be best for us.

I think about all the people and animals who suffer and die horrible, extremely painful deaths every minute of every day and that sort of helps me to feel like I would in some way be fortunate to be able to do it in the way of my choosing. It's still really hard to overcome the survival instinct, but millions of people have done it before us and millions will do it after.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Cancer will do it for me if I make it that long.

I will not stand for "battling" cancer. That's idiotic as hell. They should let you die as soon as they diagnose it. I've seen the fighters. Nowhere near worth it. That's why I have always said if I know I've got cancer I will celebrate with a pizza, then blow my brains out. There'll be no holding back at that point.

If I think there's a chance I can move to Oregon and make it long enough to get the pills, I may try that. I really wouldn't like it there though. Almost think I'd just as soon take a bullet here.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

I fear living as I am, as I have been, Aimless lonely, overburdened by memories of a stolen childhood .
Helpless in this quagmire of a life not of my own making. I fear far more than death continuing on as I have another 60-70 years.
Death is a gift , a gift of compassion and mercy .

 

[windingdown]

Ambien and Xanax

That's terrible that the drugs had such a horrible effect on you.

 

[windingdown]

What I try to tell myself is that we are all going to die one way or another, and most people won't know how or when until it happens. It could be painless in your sleep, but it could also be much worse and I'm sure that will be very scary. At least with doing it ourselves, we are able to choose when and how. And with all the information out there, we have the ability to try to come up with the way that will be best for us.

I think about all the people and animals who suffer and die horrible, extremely painful deaths every minute of every day and that sort of helps me to feel like I would in some way be fortunate to be able to do it in the way of my choosing. It's still really hard to overcome the survival instinct, but millions of people have done it before us and millions will do it after.

I appreciate this perspective. I've been feeling acutely the tragedy of life - this promise (and sometimes, now in the past, the experience) of beauty and fulfillment (I still feel this most when I listen to my favorite classical music), unrequited, unrequitable. I am still stuck on the goodness that life has been, in many ways. I also think about how not everyone has had that - that life has never been good or beautiful or promising for some people; and so I have been lucky to have 30 quite good years. The sense of tragedy I feel is that having to end, not just sooner rather than later, but at all.

But that's kind of what you're saying. Death, and the march toward it, is a part of human experience anyway. I think I'm still fighting against life getting worse; it feels too sad. I want to hang onto everything that's felt lovely to me. But it all goes away, at some point, and we age (dreadful for me), and die.

I will think about your perspective more. It feels healthy.

 

[bigj75]

I fear living as I am, as I have been, Aimless lonely, overburdened by memories of a stolen childhood .
Helpless in this quagmire of a life not of my own making. I fear far more than death continuing on as I have another 60-70 years.
Death is a gift , a gift of compassion and mercy .

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

keep your eye out if i dont ctb I'll be jet setting

 

[lost illusions]

What about life scares you? failure? embarrassment/shame? violence? 'what other people think about you'?

I think trying and failing again just isn't worth the trouble. I feel content with this despair, it's the highs and lows of trying that I don't want to experience ever again.

You might be right

 

[Final Escape]

I understand. Three months ago I was prescribed a drug I didn't want and took t bc bullied. All my hair is falling out and it is the only reason I want to end my life. Life was good before this for me. But this is unbearable. It's all fried and breaking and clumping. It's devastating

What drug was this? Sounds awful

 

[Shay]

What drug was this? Sounds awful

Xanax and ambien

 

[Final Escape]

Same. I am afraid to go outside because there are people from my past everywhere. I am numb and tired and scared.
I think I might go sooner than I planned.

I moved away from my home town because of this. I didn't want to run into pple from past everywhere.