i think it’s safe to say i started to want to be locked up

[dinosavr]

Again, constant fight between suicide section of my brain and recovery section of it.
I haven't told my therapist everything I wanted to tell her but I'm seeing my psychiatrist soon and I know for sure that if I decide to be brutally honest, she'll want me to go to the hospital to protect me and to get immediate help, as waiting for another antidepressants which may or may not work, might be dangerous. I feel like it's almost impossible for me to say yes but maybe it's for the better. I will make my family extremely worried and I know I'll be miserable there but to hell with it. At least I'll know and everybody else will know that I've done anything I could to try and survive. But I didn't handle it. They will understand it, won't they? I really fucking want them to. I don't want to hurt them more than anything, I really really don't.
But I am overwhelmingly SCARED. Life was easier back when I was truly 100% suicidal. I want THEM to hurt me. At least I deserve it.

 

[lacrimosa]

I know I already posted about the challenges of psychiatric wards in one of your previous posts about forced hospitalization...

The following needs to be said.

You are very strong for talking with your therapist regarding your state of mind. It's not hard to open up to people like friends and people whom you deeply trust. But opening up to a therapist can be challenging, so kudos to you!

There is a silver lining to psychiatry and that would be getting help and knowing that you're trying everything in your power to better yourself.

Even though it hasn't worked for me, I believe I am treatment resistant.

I believe I don't speak for everyone or every situation regarding psychiatry.

You might luck out and get a really good doctor whom is at the top of their game.

The next steps will be challenging but worth the effort if you ask me.

I am confused by when you wrote "At least I'll know and everybody else will know that I've done anything I could to try and survive. But I didn't handle it."

Do you meant to say you are going to be inpatient in a hospital just for show? That's okay if that's your choice but who knows, like I said, you might get a really good doctor and will get the help you want.

I am rooting for you.

 

[ViolatedAutonomy]

You are doing all the right things, and I'm proud of you for being upfront and honest and seeking every way possible for a better future. In my opinion inpatient is good for those who require immediate changes in their medication or are at risk of harm. I personally have an inate phobia of being forced in any type of facility so I always avoid it, but this isn't about me. You do what you believe is right to get yourself in a better place. Keep doing what you're doing and be honest about everything. We're all very prideful of you here for making strides, and want to see you succeed. Be sure to have a plan for when you get out to keep up the momentum. It is perfectly normal to be scared of taking such a leap, but nothing worth doing is going to feel comfortable. You do NOT, and I repeat, do not deserve to be hurt. You deserve nothing but better, and need to forgive yourself for what makes you think that. It's difficult when your self esteem has been shattered, and I believe everyone on this forum can relate to a degree. It takes time to build that back up, and we all want to see you do better and are here to listen and support you in your low moments.
Best of luck!