Venting I think its ok if I go to hell

[lostchild]

Whenever people say that you go to hell for killing yourself, I always think, that's fine. I wouldnt feel fine with it or be ok with it. But if it happens, then that just means that's what I deserve, and it's the right thing to happen.

I dont know if hell exists. Personally I believe in reincarnation. And I really really hope there will be life for me after death, and I can still have a chance at a happy successful life where I am loved.

If heaven or hell exists after death, or if there is nothing but void after death, and I an wrong about reincarnation, that's okay too. It's still better than living here, and its gonna happen eventually anyways.

Even though I wish with everything to have another chance at happiness, I dont think I deserve that future at all. And even if ctb did not get people sent to hell, I think that if it exists I would still go there anyways, and that me going there is what would be best for everyone

I feel like a horrible evil demon who is a complete and total mistake. All I have done in this world is hurt people, take up money and resources and time, and be a huge disappointment and waste. The person I love was the first thing to ever make me feel like that might not be true and I had chance. But ever since they left, because I accidentally hurt them, it feel way more true than ever.

Someone who has had as much mistakes as I have in life, It cant just be "unlucky" or "coincidence" anymore. All 100% me and my fault. I always think "oh I didnt mean or want bad things to happen! I didnt want to suffer!" But with how intensely and much it happened, theres no way that can be true. I must be purposely evil and hurtful and bad, and I just convinced myself that I dont mean it. I just lie to myself all the time and ignore the truth.

I think this world would be way better without me and the fact that I didnt kill myself yet is evil of me. I am selfish and evil for having stayed in this world so long, and demonic for ever talking to anyone. I even feel like a demon for posting this here and talking to people, an evil, selfish maniac who knows she is burdening people by venting, but cant stop doing it anyways.

No matter how much trauma and misery I have I still never got traumatized enough to never speak or talk to anyone or to stop asking for attention and things selfishly. So I think if I go to hell and get tortured then maybe I can finally learn my lesson, and i will be locked up so no one ever has to deal with me ever again

I dont want it to be true. I want to be happy and deserve to be happy and to have a happy life. But if I didnt deserve alllll this it surely surely would not have happened. I feel evil and selfish for still hoping for a happy ending. Every day I just think of how much of a demon I am and how all the crying and misery is entirely deserved.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this or it is just me.
Editing, I just remembered something that i wanted to add.

My therapist said last week something about how we can change how we feel and how we can choose how we feel about things. It reminded me of how my PTSD and triggers caused so much suffering for me and others.

After hearing that I feel even more surely like a demon. I could have chosen to not be so effected to not have dwelled on it to not have been so sick. Chosen to not be so traumatized and miserable and dramatic. I could have chosen to be ok and to not make others hurt having to deal with how much I was hurting.

So I must have purposely chosen to do it all, everything that I suffer with so much, all my fault, all chosen by me to make myself and others miserable when I could have just not done that.

I truly feel like among the most evil, and that suicide is surely the correct ending for me.

I even feel terribly guilty that I want to do partial hanging. I feel like any death less of torture is me being cowardly and taking the easy way out... not getting the suffering I deserve..

 

[heheb27595]

We are already in hell.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Hell doesn't exist. A variety of people exist because of laws.

Let me introduce some food for thought.

When did those so-called divine laws come into place? Was it before the stone age or after it? Violence was pervasive back then, and it was because of genetic makeup + environmental circumstances. Surely, those guys didn't go to some hell. So, you won't be surprised to know that violence is more prevalent in the "hoods" and impoverished areas. It exists in every location, but its occurrence is dependent on many factors, including the environment. One doesn't have to be a scientist to see the effects of uncontrollable variables.

Listen man, Imma about to get real philosophical with ya'll.


If bad qualities are meant to exist, what good soul would wish to bear such a burden? Give em a break. They're doing a favor to probability.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Whenever people say that you go to hell for killing yourself, I always think, that's fine. I wouldnt feel fine with it or be ok with it. But if it happens, then that just means that's what I deserve, and it's the right thing to happen.

I dont know if hell exists. Personally I believe in reincarnation. And I really really hope there will be life for me after death, and I can still have a chance at a happy successful life where I am loved.

If heaven or hell exists after death, or if there is nothing but void after death, and I an wrong about reincarnation, that's okay too. It's still better than living here, and its gonna happen eventually anyways.

Even though I wish with everything to have another chance at happiness, I dont think I deserve that future at all. And even if ctb did not get people sent to hell, I think that if it exists I would still go there anyways, and that me going there is what would be best for everyone

I feel like a horrible evil demon who is a complete and total mistake. All I have done in this world is hurt people, take up money and resources and time, and be a huge disappointment and waste. The person I love was the first thing to ever make me feel like that might not be true and I had chance. But ever since they left, because I accidentally hurt them, it feel way more true than ever.

Someone who has had as much mistakes as I have in life, It cant just be "unlucky" or "coincidence" anymore. All 100% me and my fault. I always think "oh I didnt mean or want bad things to happen! I didnt want to suffer!" But with how intensely and much it happened, theres no way that can be true. I must be purposely evil and hurtful and bad, and I just convinced myself that I dont mean it. I just lie to myself all the time and ignore the truth.

I think this world would be way better without me and the fact that I didnt kill myself yet is evil of me. I am selfish and evil for having stayed in this world so long, and demonic for ever talking to anyone. I even feel like a demon for posting this here and talking to people, an evil, selfish maniac who knows she is burdening people by venting, but cant stop doing it anyways.

No matter how much trauma and misery I have I still never got traumatized enough to never speak or talk to anyone or to stop asking for attention and things selfishly. So I think if I go to hell and get tortured then maybe I can finally learn my lesson, and i will be locked up so no one ever has to deal with me ever again

I dont want it to be true. I want to be happy and deserve to be happy and to have a happy life. But if I didnt deserve alllll this it surely surely would not have happened. I feel evil and selfish for still hoping for a happy ending. Every day I just think of how much of a demon I am and how all the crying and misery is entirely deserved.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this or it is just me.
Editing, I just remembered something that i wanted to add.

My therapist said last week something about how we can change how we feel and how we can choose how we feel about things. It reminded me of how my PTSD and triggers caused so much suffering for me and others.

After hearing that I feel even more surely like a demon. I could have chosen to not be so effected to not have dwelled on it to not have been so sick. Chosen to not be so traumatized and miserable and dramatic. I could have chosen to be ok and to not make others hurt having to deal with how much I was hurting.

So I must have purposely chosen to do it all, everything that I suffer with so much, all my fault, all chosen by me to make myself and others miserable when I could have just not done that.

I truly feel like among the most evil, and that suicide is surely the correct ending for me.

I even feel terribly guilty that I want to do partial hanging. I feel like any death less of torture is me being cowardly and taking the easy way out... not getting the suffering I deserve..

Hell doesn't exist believe me. We are in our own private hells right here right now.

 

[Jean4]

Hell is a Judeo/Christian concept. Living on this earth is hell.

 

[cantthinkofanickname]

Hell is a product of human imagination. It's under the ground, with flames and lava. That's how ancestors imagined it because burning is the most painful thing to feel. They have chosen it to scare others.
But even if there is a god, I don't think it will punish us according to our plan.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Hell is a Judeo/Christian concept. Living on this earth is hell.

A grim reaper is a reliable source. Thank you

 

[okaoki]

There is no hell , i refuse to believe in reincarnation too.

 

[NickStanfield]

I've been a practicing pagan my entire adult life and as such, we don't believe in hell (other that the ones we create here on earth ourselves). Most pagans tend to believe in some form of reincarnation, which I typically tend to but in a very non-specific way. I don't believe that there's a whole intellectual process where we examine our lives and then choose our next lessons... I think it's more recycling energy forward, if at all. To be perfectly honest, I don't know what happens and I don't really care. If there's an afterlife, then I'll deal with that when I get there. If there's not, that's ok too. I've fallen in love with dreamless sleep lately and I can only hope that death is like drifting away and not coming back.

I was in a coma once, a medically induced one, with propofol and fentanyl and versed. During that time I had the most insane hyperactive delirium and that for me was truly hell. It was a combination of my surroundings and things going on in the hospital combined with my own rather overactive and very creative imagination. I doubt a true hell could get much worse... Plus, given what most people tell me, I likely have a senior management job waiting for me in hell when I get there... LOL

 

[Ithinkimdone]

I am not sure if hell exists I think any of the afterlife possibilities are possible at this point but I can completely identify with feeling evil and that this all my fault because it most certainly is. And I deserve this but at the same time want to be happy, I used to be so happy and I just don't feel it's possible anymore and I hate myself

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

We are already in hell.

Best reply I read in this forum so far.

 

[GIRL502Hopelessness]

@lostchild I felt personally identified with you. I think they both generated that same thought but I said if before suicide I apologize to God in the same way I go to hell, as you say when we practice it we will leave doubts and be here It does not make us bad people on the contrary here we can calmly let off steam you find people who understand you because with your family friends you cannot do it and nobody understands you one shouts in silence and nobody listens to you and understands, while I read the threads I like to listen to pink floyd , in music I have found some comfort

 

[heheb27595]

This world is nothing but a big fat lie (a scam) . Don't worry about hell.
I hope my next life will be an animal so I won't have to put up with human lies.

 

[cantthinkofanickname]

This world is nothing but a big fat lie (a scam) . Don't worry about hell.
I hope my next life will be an animal so I won't have to put up with human lies.

Homo sapiens are animals too, also we will probably slaughter and eat you if you are an animal other than human. :(

 

[heheb27595]

I prefer that than living in a lie and being watched and controlled.

Some animal like cow will sux but some like birds are completely free..

 

[Melinda]

Whenever people say that you go to hell for killing yourself, I always think, that's fine. I wouldnt feel fine with it or be ok with it. But if it happens, then that just means that's what I deserve, and it's the right thing to happen.

I dont know if hell exists. Personally I believe in reincarnation. And I really really hope there will be life for me after death, and I can still have a chance at a happy successful life where I am loved.

If heaven or hell exists after death, or if there is nothing but void after death, and I an wrong about reincarnation, that's okay too. It's still better than living here, and its gonna happen eventually anyways.

Even though I wish with everything to have another chance at happiness, I dont think I deserve that future at all. And even if ctb did not get people sent to hell, I think that if it exists I would still go there anyways, and that me going there is what would be best for everyone

I feel like a horrible evil demon who is a complete and total mistake. All I have done in this world is hurt people, take up money and resources and time, and be a huge disappointment and waste. The person I love was the first thing to ever make me feel like that might not be true and I had chance. But ever since they left, because I accidentally hurt them, it feel way more true than ever.

Someone who has had as much mistakes as I have in life, It cant just be "unlucky" or "coincidence" anymore. All 100% me and my fault. I always think "oh I didnt mean or want bad things to happen! I didnt want to suffer!" But with how intensely and much it happened, theres no way that can be true. I must be purposely evil and hurtful and bad, and I just convinced myself that I dont mean it. I just lie to myself all the time and ignore the truth.

I think this world would be way better without me and the fact that I didnt kill myself yet is evil of me. I am selfish and evil for having stayed in this world so long, and demonic for ever talking to anyone. I even feel like a demon for posting this here and talking to people, an evil, selfish maniac who knows she is burdening people by venting, but cant stop doing it anyways.

No matter how much trauma and misery I have I still never got traumatized enough to never speak or talk to anyone or to stop asking for attention and things selfishly. So I think if I go to hell and get tortured then maybe I can finally learn my lesson, and i will be locked up so no one ever has to deal with me ever again

I dont want it to be true. I want to be happy and deserve to be happy and to have a happy life. But if I didnt deserve alllll this it surely surely would not have happened. I feel evil and selfish for still hoping for a happy ending. Every day I just think of how much of a demon I am and how all the crying and misery is entirely deserved.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this or it is just me.
Editing, I just remembered something that i wanted to add.

My therapist said last week something about how we can change how we feel and how we can choose how we feel about things. It reminded me of how my PTSD and triggers caused so much suffering for me and others.

After hearing that I feel even more surely like a demon. I could have chosen to not be so effected to not have dwelled on it to not have been so sick. Chosen to not be so traumatized and miserable and dramatic. I could have chosen to be ok and to not make others hurt having to deal with how much I was hurting.

So I must have purposely chosen to do it all, everything that I suffer with so much, all my fault, all chosen by me to make myself and others miserable when I could have just not done that.

I truly feel like among the most evil, and that suicide is surely the correct ending for me.

I even feel terribly guilty that I want to do partial hanging. I feel like any death less of torture is me being cowardly and taking the easy way out... not getting the suffering I deserve..

You are already in HELL. Just look around you, there is so much suffering here and God is nowhere to be found. SO many people want to commit suicide. If this was not a hell do you think people would want to die?

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

@lostchild This thread (and title) struck me hard as a lot of your thoughts are ones I have myself; I too think I deserve to be in hell and that I've a sick mind and am a monster. Aw I can only imagine the sheer pain you've experienced with harboring these thoughts and feelings on yourself, and the guilt too? :"( But you're hurting, you're in pain, you're truly no demon at all, even if you may deeply feel like one :"(

I feel like a horrible evil demon who is a complete and total mistake. All I have done in this world is hurt people, take up money and resources and time, and be a huge disappointment and waste. The person I love was the first thing to ever make me feel like that might not be true and I had chance. But ever since they left, because I accidentally hurt them, it feel way more true than ever.

From what I've seen thus far, I imagine feeling/knowing that you've hurt others is terrible and weighty and tear-jerking and hair-pulling? :( Please know that you still have feelings and needs that need to be fulfilled through money and resources and time in this sort of world; we're human and that is how we are built :3 It's also completely understandable to make mistakes and may hurt people at least indirectly, especially while hurting and being in so much pain (which please know is not your fault, no matter how much you may feel that it is :"( ).

I can only imagine the heart-wrenching pain of losing someone you love, especially if they were unique and brought a much needed and rare light into your life? I'm so so unbelievably sorry :'''( But even if I don't know specifics, you hurting them was accidental, not on purpose; I am guessing you truly never intended on hurting them? (Which already shows you are in no means evil and that you have a kind heart <3) Sometimes we may not understand what those around us truly need/are feeling and especially while hurting, it can be damn near impossible to tend to the welfare of our dear ones, no matter how much we yearn to :( (But you too deserve to be heard and to have your side explained in whatever you may have done, methinks <3).

I think this world would be way better without me and the fact that I didnt kill myself yet is evil of me. I am selfish and evil for having stayed in this world so long, and demonic for ever talking to anyone. I even feel like a demon for posting this here and talking to people, an evil, selfish maniac who knows she is burdening people by venting, but cant stop doing it anyways.

Aw :"( These feelings must be so intense? :( But please please know that you are not selfish nor evil for staying here; we're biologically hardwired to stay here, and our instincts are to get rid of our pain in whatever way is best for us, no matter how much we may hate ourselves. You're most definitely not demonic for talking to anyone nor for posting this here and venting what I can imagine must've been such a heavy weight to carry; this site is here to help and you appear to be a sweetie that's in so much undeserved pain, no matter how you may berate yourself :(

No matter how much trauma and misery I have I still never got traumatized enough to never speak or talk to anyone or to stop asking for attention and things selfishly. So I think if I go to hell and get tortured then maybe I can finally learn my lesson, and i will be locked up so no one ever has to deal with me ever again

You going through trauma and misery is already so much more than "enough" :"( If being tortured is what's needed to learn your 'lesson' (which is already so cruel, to be made to feel that speaking and asking for attention is selfish and something that needs to be remedied :""( ), then it is the torturer that is cruel and sadistic, no means is it you, please please know this <3

I dont want it to be true. I want to be happy and deserve to be happy and to have a happy life. But if I didnt deserve alllll this it surely surely would not have happened. I feel evil and selfish for still hoping for a happy ending. Every day I just think of how much of a demon I am and how all the crying and misery is entirely deserved.

I can't speak with confidence if there's a rhyme or reason as to why things happen, but please know that hoping for happiness and a happy life is in no no means selfish :"( It's human and it speaks of having a heart <3 (I know hope can be so much and it can be so exhausting but it can lead to better things and it can lead to beautiful outcomes :,} ♡) You being happy I doubt would ever lead to evil or misery of any kind <3 (and even if it does; things/ways can be adjusted to minimize suffering while still keeping well-being and happiness in mind).

After hearing that I feel even more surely like a demon. I could have chosen to not be so effected to not have dwelled on it to not have been so sick. Chosen to not be so traumatized and miserable and dramatic. I could have chosen to be ok and to not make others hurt having to deal with how much I was hurting.

Aw :""( Berating yourself and feeling guilt for feeling certain ways must be such a hell in of its own? :( But if you could have chosen, if you could have stopped the pain, I'd very much think you would have :,,3 Often times we can't control pain or even our own minds/hearts and how things affect us; we're all different and have different thresholds and it's never as easy as "choosing to be okay", even if we consciously try to. (As then we may suppress the pain/trauma and it may manifest in different, other ways?) I know being in pain can hurt others, and that's so so unbelievably horrible, especially if those most wounded are those we care for :,( But please know that this is not your fault; the pain can be so so much and it can come in different forms and some pains can be destructive, especially if we've not the adequate support and care that we need :"( Trying and persevering and talking and moving forward can take so so much strength on its own, and people showcase strength all in their own ways, you most definitely included <3

I even feel terribly guilty that I want to do partial hanging. I feel like any death less of torture is me being cowardly and taking the easy way out... not getting the suffering I deserve..

From what little I've read in your post, you've already undergone so much pain :""( Of course, it's your decision and you need to do what is best (for you), but I urge you, please reconsider, please reconsider feeling you need to make your death more painful :( Dying takes strength on its own and so does living; pain itself takes strength, and strength can also come without agonizing pain :''3

sends you a super duper warm hug <333