i think it was always going to go this way

[ommanipadmehum]

i haven't really posted here before. i hope i'm welcome. these are just some of my thoughts as i get closer to ctb.

i don't remember much from my childhood. but in one of my earliest memories i was refusing to drink water. i didn't really understand death at that point, but i knew not drinking water = death, and i remember doing that with the intent of dying. i couldn't have been more than 3 years old, and at that point, nothing bad had happened to me. objectively i had a good life. but even back then i didn't want anything to do with it.

when i got a bit older people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i never had an answer for them; i never thought about that stuff. i didn't want to do anything. when i looked forward i just saw a void.

i was alone a lot as a kid. on the few occasions i talked to other kids, or just anyone in general, it gave me the same feeling as watching animals in a zoo did. not that i thought they were inferior or anything, the complete opposite actually. they felt very alien to me, and their mindsets were unattainable in a way. they were happy, hopeful, innocent. i wanted to see the world as they saw it so badly and i never learned how.

so this brings me to: why am i different? my life isn't perfect, nobody's is, but it's been pretty good. i'm very lucky and very privileged to live the life i do. so, the problem is me. i was a born a certain way that was incompatible with life. i'm not so egotistical as to say that i'm somehow the only one that's different out of the billions of people on this planet, but i can't think of any other explanation.

the thing is, all anybody is is a bunch of chemical reactions. my problem is probably just that there's something wrong with my brain, some "wires" that got crossed while i was in the womb. and i've spent my entire life trying to fix it, or figure it out, but can you really do anything against the laws of nature?

i wish i was normal. i think life is very beautiful for people who can see it. i wish i could see it. i wish i could appreciate the world i live in. but even though i vaguely want these things, i don't feel especially sad about not having them. sure, i'm curious about what it'd be like. maybe it would make me happy to have them, but i don't think i can understand being happy, let alone actually be it, so i'm not sad. does that make sense? idk

all this to say i find it all very comforting and very cruel at the same time. if there's a god, it was very cruel to put me in the rat race when i wasn't meant to be here. on the other hand it's comforting to know that nothing could have changed the outcome. i feel like i can rest easy

 

[Hana68]

I feel the same way, I'm incompatible with this life and I should stop existing, it doesn't help that i heard that I had severe heart problems at birth and was going to die but didn't (that's only one of the things that made me feel like this) it feels like I shouldn't be born in this world and that I'm "hanging by a thread in life" (barely alive, I sometimes feel like I'm a ghost and can hardly exist physically and mentally, like I'm close to just disappear from the world)

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see myself as not meant for existing at all, personally I've never wished to exist. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Of course you are Welcome!
Yeah, I always say I'm not wired right.
I can't imagine having thoughts like that at such a young age. No one can say you don't know what you want lol.
My life is objectively pretty good too, and I didn't have any trauma in my past. But I never had an answer to the question of what I wanted to be when I grow up either. There was just never anything that interested me so much that I wanted to work Towards getting. And everything involves too much socialization. The future was just…empty. it just scares the hell out of me that so much can potentially go wrong. I don't want there to be a future because I see nothing for me in it.
I was alone a lot too as a child because I am an only child. I don't think I ever properly learned "how to play with others." so I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.
I hope you find some peace here.