Help i think i'm manic?

[The Tablet]

FULL DISCLOSURE, i'm not asking for a diagnosis!!! i just want advice.

so, context:

i'm a big fan of the metal band Diamond Head (who i will be referring to from here as "DH"). you don't need to know anything about them, and this is NOT an infodump about them, don't worry! besides, my story today really only involves one member, Brian Tatler (who will be referred to as "BT").

it all started on september 6th. i'd just watched this hilarious clip and thought it'd be funny/epic/legendary if i made a post parroting it word for word, but replacing "Hasan Piker" with BT's name, and "los angeles" with BT's county or whatever it's called in the uk (which is public knowledge). so i made the post, but i didn't stop there. i screenshotted it, reposted it on instagram, and tagged BT and his wife. because all i thought about was how this was such an "epic troll" or whatever.
i went to sleep that night, and woke up to the following messages:


i think now's a good time to remind you that I NEVER ACTUALLY INTENDED TO KILL ANYONE. it was simply a goof that seemed a lot funnier in my head.

after this incident, i got an influx of people i didn't recognize/follow looking at my profile and posts. i recognized one as BT'S wife, while the others, i deduced were family friends of BT.

in other words, i'm being watched. great!

most people would back off at this point, maybe get down on their knees and beg for forgiveness, go offline and reflect on their life choices...

but i'm not most people.

i'm (probably) a psychopath!

and i wanted to keep poking the bear until it bit my head off sooner or later, because i find/found it very entertaining to my understimulated, apathetic psyche.

that brings me to today, when i made a telegram channel with the url "diamond head official" just to see how much i could piss them off.

i felt (and still feel) like i was untouchable. like nothing will happen to me! i remember spamming the link to the channel to all my friends, thinking they'd laugh and/or call me insane, giving me the validation i feed off so gluttonously. it even got to a point where i was getting angry at people for DARING to talk about anything other than me and my hijinks, some would say irrationally so. i was/am hyper (for lack of a better word). full of energy. an unstoppable force. and that energy either makes me super happy and floaty or turns into anger when people don't agree with every little thing i say.

part of me knows that that's bad, and wants to change it. but i don't know if that's because i genuinely feel bad, or because i feel like that's what i have to do to win people's favour.

am i a bad person or an asshole/narcissist for all this?

should i go offline till i'm in a vettert, saner headspace?

or am i just overthinking when i could be bouncing off the walls and having more fun?

if you've made it this far, thank you! i appreciate it. would love to hear some perspectives besides my own from people far more mature than me! :)

 

[rationaltake]

I know about mania from personal experience. Actually - like me - you're pretty unusual because you know you're manic. You're self-aware. So you have a unique chance to back pedal before it gets worse.

Stop now before your whole world implodes.

Stay offline. Force yourself to lay down in the quiet and the dark. Sensory deprivation will stop this whole feedback cycle of mania. It takes massive willpower but it's worth it if you can do it.

Much better than being medicated or taken off to the psych ward. Which is likely if you carry on and get even more hyper.

If there is any comeback apologise and say you weren't well and it was a major lapse of judgement.

You're not a bad person. Mania lowers inhibitions.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

This is pretty shocking tbf. There's being manic and then there's coming off as dangerous. There is never any situation where threatening to kill someone is okay/funny, whatever.

This is not to shame you but there has to be some type of boundary in place, one that exists even in a state of lowered inhibitions. You're responsible for putting it there, and for thinking about how your actions affect other people.

I hope you don't get in trouble for this. I know the UK as a whole is pretty vigilant with stuff posted online.

 

[The Tablet]

This is pretty shocking tbf. There's being manic and then there's coming off as dangerous. There is never any situation where threatening to kill someone is okay/funny, whatever.

This is not to shame you but there has to be some type of boundary in place, one that exists even in a state of lowered inhibitions. You're responsible for putting it there, and for thinking about how your actions affect other people.

I hope you don't get in trouble for this. I know the UK as a whole is pretty vigilant with stuff posted online.

yeah i know it's not okay, regardless of mental health. that said, i want to find out what the fuck is wrong with me because if i don't treat it, worse could happen. and i can't make it better when i don't know what i'm supposed to fix.

i appreciate your time, and sorry for the late reply!!