I think I’m gonna ctb tonight

[WillOxyWork]

Notes are written, everything for SN is here, life seems completely hopeless at this point.
I've been staying at my parents' place lately because it's been more isolated for the quarantine, but I'm going to drive back to my apartment to do it there. I don't want them to find my body or associate their house with my death. Maybe I'll get back on the forum once I get to my apartment. Maybe I'll chicken out. I feel pretty ready to sleep forever though.

 

[Thinking]

Good luck man, in whatever path you choose. We are all here for you whether you decide to go through with it or not. Wishing you a peaceful and easy night, whatever that entails.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I wish you all the love and peace I can, safe travels for whichever road you choose ❤

 

[Living sucks]

No offense but you dont sound ready. No harm in thinking more. Peace

 

[WillOxyWork]

No offense but you dont sound ready. No harm in thinking more. Peace

I guess we'll see. I've measured out the SN and have the AE and antacid out. Just kinda sitting here contemplating now.
I just don't see any way forward in life from here. I've lost my health and my partner (totally my fault) and I only see things getting harder. Summer is always the easiest time for me in terms of my mental health, and here I am, closer to suicide than ever.

 

[Living sucks]

Well know that things will get better after summer typically and maybe you won't want to in sept. If it's seasonal, find ways to cope with the seasons?

 

[WillOxyWork]

Thanks, but I'm saying that this is my easiest season and my mental health is already gone. I'd probably slip into madness in the winter.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that things have gone to shit for you. I hope you will be able to find peace whatever you choose to do.

 

[Living sucks]

Thanks, but I'm saying that this is my easiest season and my mental health is already gone. I'd probably slip into madness in the winter.

Oh misunderstood sorry. Only you can decide.. but you sound unsure to me. Can you take something to calm you instead?

 

[WillOxyWork]

Oh misunderstood sorry. Only you can decide.. but you sound unsure to me. Can you take something to calm you instead?

Thank you so much for your compassion. I've already taken a lot of Valium in the past couple days and can still barely sleep. What is plaguing me is not an issue of calmness. I'm just consumed by regret and hopelessness. How am I supposed to adjust to life in quarantine with chronic conditions that have effectively ruined my hobbies that kept me sane?

 

[Living sucks]

I'm bedridden for 3 years so I can't answer how to adjust. If i could just physically function I'd find a way.
as for regrets.. you can learn and change in future slowly. My regrets can't be changed bcuz they caused my illness and now bedridden. I'm trapped
Find a new hobby you can do?

 

[iDieUDie80]

Thanks, but I'm saying that this is my easiest season and my mental health is already gone. I'd probably slip into madness in the winter.

I've told myself things like that too but I have gotten out of that mental state. Are you on any medications? Are you regularly speaking to a psychiatrist or a professional therapist? Have you tried getting help?

 

[pickajack]

Hi @WillOxyWork sorry you are feeling so low.

Understand what you mean about summer usually being better, same for me. But to be fair, this is a super weird summer. Adjusting definitely sucks and takes some time, but by winter, things (or the way you feel about them) may be different.

Wishing you feelings of peace and a hug.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I'm bedridden for 3 years so I can't answer how to adjust. If i could just physically function I'd find a way.
as for regrets.. you can learn and change in future slowly. My regrets can't be changed bcuz they caused my illness and now bedridden. I'm trapped
Find a new hobby you can do?

I'm so sorry to hear that. Idk about finding new hobbies, I was already so empty that video games, music, and weed were the only things I enjoyed. Now I can't game competitively (my former passion) because sound is so important, music sounds distorted, and weed just exacerbates my tinnitus and visual snow.

I've told myself things like that too but I have gotten out of that mental state. Are you on any medications? Are you regularly speaking to a psychiatrist or a professional therapist? Have you tried getting help?

I have a psychiatrist and therapist. I've gotten help for a long time but this situation is so foreign to me. I now have chronic health problems for the rest of my life which have ruined my sources of enjoyment during quarantine.
I've barely slept in two days and I feel the fatigue catching up to me. I'll probably fall asleep for a little bit soon. I'll see how I feel when I wake up. Thank you so much for your support everyone.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Good Luck and I hope you find peace.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I can't sleep at all. I feel like I just need to force an eternal sleep. Just took Tylenol and am taking meto soon
I just want to say that I've been through a lot of ups and downs with depression and anxiety in my life, and I am of the belief that it does get better if you can find the strength to put in the effort. Now that I have chronic health issues that doctors don't really understand I'm fucking done though. If anyone here is struggling with purely mental issues, I urge you to hang on, as hypocritical as I may sound

 

[pickajack]

Hi @WillOxyWork Just wanted to reach out again and offer some genuine caring energy and another big hug.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I can't fucking do it right now. I took everything on schedule, but when it came time to take the SN, I just couldn't do it. Someone connected my account to a tinnitus forum and reached out to me on there. He basically convinced me that there is no rush. I only have enough meto for one more attempt though, so I better wait until I am certain.

 

[WinterFaust]

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. Chronic conditions are a special kind of hell. I respect your right to be able to choose for yourself but there really is no rush if you're not 100% certain.

I feel you on losing hobbies and familiar ways to cope and find joy. Stress exacerbates the symptoms but how can you not be stressed out given the circumstances? It really fucking sucks. Sending you hugs.

 

[pickajack]

Good morning @WillOxyWork Hope you were able to get some restful sleep and something to eat. Maybe today can be a better day.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I slept a little, and I had a meal before I slept. I can still only sleep when I'm extremely exhausted, else my thoughts keep me awake

 

[pickajack]

Glad to hear that :).
Sleep and food are good medicine.

I can relate to the sleep difficulty. Somehow for me, its getting in bed that is the hard part, like I'm afraid of being alone with my thoughts in the dark. Used to take benadryl every night but doc said it was contributing to my dry mouth :(. Been taking an icepack (wrapped in cloth) to bed. Strangely comforting.

 

[Ulisses]

good luck and hugs.we are here to hear if you change your mind. update a post if you can. hugs.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I came so close to death last night and realized that I still need to give life a chance. There's no rush going to my grave. Today I'm starting to work on acceptance. Acceptance that my health will never be the same and that my SO is done with me forever. I may try to exercise soon

 

[Zappfe lover]

I came so close to death last night and realized that I still need to give life a chance. There's no rush going to my grave. Today I'm starting to work on acceptance. Acceptance that my health will never be the same and that my SO is done with me forever. I may try to exercise soon

You should know that, anytime you feel like giving up, there will be an wonderful community here waiting you with open arms (:

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. I hope things get better for you.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I've been trying so hard to pretend that my tinnitus doesn't exist today, but it's impossible with hyperacusis. I turned on my air conditioner for once because it's way too hot, and I thought I could just brush off the noise with my new attitude. But it's impossible - the AC is only 50 dB and is making my tinnitus spike considerably and my ears hurt. I don't get how I'm supposed to live if it seems the only way is sitting in silence.