Achromatix
Always Alone
- Sep 11, 2022
- 30
I jumped up to post a disclaimer that I'm just typing without thinking or looking back. I'm sorry if this is triggering to anyone. I don't think I'm bad off enough to cause triggers to anyone but i think I'm going crazy.
I don't post a lot so anxiety but here we go: I think I'm a lost cause. I want to quit everything and disappear. I realize I have no goals in life. Not due to laziness, but because I don't see the point in effort with no chance of joy in any situation. I think I'm more scared if I cancel all appointments with everyone, no one will care. I think I'm just another potential lawsuit case to most medical professionals who advise against suicide and try to send all mentally ill to a ward immediately. I'm scared to look back as I type.
It's hard to process that I never stood a chance in this world; I'm too soft. Mentally ill, auto immune, liver disease at an early age... I never stood a chance. I'm scared to try to survive in case I get sent away. My thoughts are winning and I'm too weak to ignore them. The medicine they give distracts me, and that's all it is is another distraction.
I'm not prepared enough to die, but I feel like I don't have time to prep. Then time goes by and I still haven't done anything. I feel to depressed to be suicidal. My anxiety tells me I can't but my surroundings welcome the thought. I'm scared I'm going to half prep it and screw up bad. The loneliness is too much. I see things that aren't there. I hear voices that don't exist. I think I'm going to die. I can't afford to be crazy AND sad. I was sent to take care of a sick elderly woman in my condition and I'm losing it. Everything is too scary. I can't do this. I really can't. but there's no escape. I just have to keep typing. No thinking. I can't do this. I can't do this. If any of this is disturbing or breaks rules I'm really sorry, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I don't deserve help. I'm a fat, ugly, sad excuse of a female. I don't think I even deserve a gender. I don't even feel human. I can't do this anymore. Should I be sent away? Will anyone even read these? I can't do this.
I don't post a lot so anxiety but here we go: I think I'm a lost cause. I want to quit everything and disappear. I realize I have no goals in life. Not due to laziness, but because I don't see the point in effort with no chance of joy in any situation. I think I'm more scared if I cancel all appointments with everyone, no one will care. I think I'm just another potential lawsuit case to most medical professionals who advise against suicide and try to send all mentally ill to a ward immediately. I'm scared to look back as I type.
It's hard to process that I never stood a chance in this world; I'm too soft. Mentally ill, auto immune, liver disease at an early age... I never stood a chance. I'm scared to try to survive in case I get sent away. My thoughts are winning and I'm too weak to ignore them. The medicine they give distracts me, and that's all it is is another distraction.
I'm not prepared enough to die, but I feel like I don't have time to prep. Then time goes by and I still haven't done anything. I feel to depressed to be suicidal. My anxiety tells me I can't but my surroundings welcome the thought. I'm scared I'm going to half prep it and screw up bad. The loneliness is too much. I see things that aren't there. I hear voices that don't exist. I think I'm going to die. I can't afford to be crazy AND sad. I was sent to take care of a sick elderly woman in my condition and I'm losing it. Everything is too scary. I can't do this. I really can't. but there's no escape. I just have to keep typing. No thinking. I can't do this. I can't do this. If any of this is disturbing or breaks rules I'm really sorry, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I don't deserve help. I'm a fat, ugly, sad excuse of a female. I don't think I even deserve a gender. I don't even feel human. I can't do this anymore. Should I be sent away? Will anyone even read these? I can't do this.
