I think I’m finally gonna ctb tonight

[wilsonio]

I'm already way behind when I originally planned because my brothers and friends kept showing up unexpectedly and I just couldn't find the time to be home alone long enough to ctb. But tonight after 10 I'll have the chance so that's when I'll finally do it I think. I'm nervous and kinda scared but also relieved about it.

I'm still having doubts about doing it at home though. I'm thinking maybe I should drive somewhere? Just so no one has to come home to that. I just don't know where I would go.

I just wish there was something to make the guilt go away :(

 

[Siclop]

maybe can delay a bit? to plan a bit more, u have all the time in world is your life, but u need be sure about all points,

my advice is take more time think more, take easy, i always here if wanna chat

 

[Lone Wanderer]

I hope you don't CTB, but it's your choice. I just hope you find peace at the end of your journey. You'll be missed. I assure you.

 

[Nirrend]

I'll never incite someone to commit such a critical act in everyone life, but if you're hesitating, don't precipitate things, take your time.

I imagine how hard it is to realise that this is the end, a long time ago (about 7 years), when I tried to CTB, SI kicked in and I failed.

The only thing I can wish you is love, you're not alone here, don't feel guilty

I don't incitate you but,

If you leave tonight, i hope i will see you in the other side when that will be my turn

We love you and I love you too <3

 

[Theanswer]

I'm already way behind when I originally planned because my brothers and friends kept showing up unexpectedly and I just couldn't find the time to be home alone long enough to ctb. But tonight after 10 I'll have the chance so that's when I'll finally do it I think. I'm nervous and kinda scared but also relieved about it.

I'm still having doubts about doing it at home though. I'm thinking maybe I should drive somewhere? Just so no one has to come home to that. I just don't know where I would go.

I just wish there was something to make the guilt go away :(

Thanks for posting. Hear you about nervousness and fear and also the relief. If you don't have a 100% decision and also plans, maybe wait and think it through and with more specific plans and timing. Just a thought. I can't really help with the guilt. I don't have anyone that will even know I'm dead but I do feel guilty about leaving my dead body in a hotel room for staff. But I know that there is no other place, for me. So I guard the doors of my mind and the guilt is subsiding. Not the same as your situation, I suspect.

 

[virgilwalks]

There doesnt have to be an immediate decision - we are here for you. Your life has worth.

 

[wilsonio]

maybe can delay a bit? to plan a bit more, u have all the time in world is your life, but u need be sure about all points,

my advice is take more time think more, take easy, i always here if wanna chat

but I've already delayed so much already, I'm not sure what good will come from continuing to delay :/

 

[Jrmull1993]

I'm not sure what good will come from continuing to delay :/

Rather than thinking that way, think "What do I have to loose by planning just a bit more?"

 

[wilsonio]

Thanks for posting. Hear you about nervousness and fear and also the relief. If you don't have a 100% decision and also plans, maybe wait and think it through and with more specific plans and timing. Just a thought. I can't really help with the guilt. I don't have anyone that will even know I'm dead but I do feel guilty about leaving my dead body in a hotel room for staff. But I know that there is no other place, for me. So I guard the doors of my mind and the guilt is subsiding. Not the same as your situation, I suspect.

I had plans but they got messed up and now I'm trying to figure everything out because I didn't really have a plan B. I'm checking hotels to book now, but like you said even that makes me feel a kinda bad for the staff. But no matter what or wherever I do it someone will find me eventually so maybe better them than my family?

A lot of times I wish I didn't have anyone who cared about me, would make it so much easier :(

 

[Jrmull1993]

A lot of times I wish I didn't have anyone who cared about me, would make it so much easier

Chances are if you didn't have anyone who cared for you, your life would have been so bad (much worse than present feelings) you would have exited a long time ago.

 

[flying_rabbit75]

I don't know you, or what's going on that's got you thinking about leaving- but first thing, there's no pressure. You don't owe it to anyone to follow through on your plan just because you made it- if you're hesitating, you're allowed to delay, you're allowed to think some more, and you're allowed to change your mind and live. You're not weak, and you're not a coward, for changing your mind and living.

If you're hesitating, I have to ask- do you really want to die? Or do you just not want to be stuck in the life you're living? I'm not judging. But from my heart I want to say that life can change for the better, even if it seems absolutely impossible. I know cause I've been there.

I tried to take my life when I was twelve. I had a serious mental illness, and I was in a lot of pain. And one day, it just overwhelmed me. I wanted it to stop. And in that moment, I spiraled, and I let go. But I'm still here, because what I chose to do to myself didn't work. And now it's been seventeen years, and everything is different. Things got better, even though at the time I had no idea how they would.

Your life matters. I promise you that, from one human being to another, from the very bottom of my heart. Your story doesn't have to end this way. If you're feeling on the brink, please, go tell someone you can trust how you're feeling, right now. And if there's no one you can trust, call a hotline. No, its not the same as a personal connection, but those people will listen to how you feel, and have the resources to help.


(It's right here, if you want it.
1.833.456.4566 if you're in canada.
988 if you're in the states.
I don't know where you are, but this page also has an international directory:

International Crisis Centres - The LifeLine Canada Foundation

If you're experiencing suicidal thoughts you need to know you're not alone. Here's a list of international crisis centres ready to take your call.

thelifelinecanada.ca

I love you. <3

I'm already way behind when I originally planned because my brothers and friends kept showing up unexpectedly and I just couldn't find the time to be home alone long enough to ctb. But tonight after 10 I'll have the chance so that's when I'll finally do it I think. I'm nervous and kinda scared but also relieved about it.

I'm still having doubts about doing it at home though. I'm thinking maybe I should drive somewhere? Just so no one has to come home to that. I just don't know where I would go.

I just wish there was something to make the guilt go away :(

 

[Theanswer]

Chances are if you didn't have anyone who cared for you, your life would have been so bad (much worse than present feelings) you would have exited a long time ago.

This! My life has been worse than hell. I guess one positive on that is that I don't have to worry about anyone close knowing that I'm even missing. But, it's a hell and horrific way to live. Can't believe I've held on for 30 years but finally realized that after trying, trying to improve...nothing is going to change, especially at 60. So you're concerned about family so I think hotel is your best option. But seriously I hope you take some to to meticulously plan. Not sure of your method but all of them take due diligence to succeed.

 

[wilsonio]

Chances are if you didn't have anyone who cared for you, your life would have been so bad (much worse than present feelings) you would have exited a long time ago.

Yeah. That's the truth.

This! My life has been worse than hell. I guess one positive on that is that I don't have to worry about anyone close knowing that I'm even missing. But, it's a hell and horrific way to live. Can't believe I've held on for 30 years but finally realized that after trying, trying to improve...nothing is going to change, especially at 60. So you're concerned about family so I think hotel is your best option. But seriously I hope you take some to to meticulously plan. Not sure of your method but all of them take due diligence to succeed.

It sucks that you've had to live like that, no one deserves that honestly :(

I booked a hotel for tonight. I'm using SN.

 

[Theanswer]

Do you have your regimen down and the accompanying meds you need?

 

[wilsonio]

Do you have your regimen down and the accompany meds you need?

Well I'm actually missing antiemetics because you need a prescription for those :/

 

[Theanswer]

Well I'm actually missing antiemetics because you need a prescription for those :/

What's your regimen, then, if you don't mind? Do you have the other supporting meds? You can easily get meto from an online doctor/health clinic but it's not going to be in an hour. PN very strongly recommends antiemetics and why they are important. Have you read the PPeH or Stan's Guide? Yes you could throw up some anyway but they're crucial to limit the amount of puking and other things. Of course, you'll see some that succeeded with or without. You could do some research on alternatives but imo a prescription antiemetic is needed.

 

[flying_rabbit75]

If there's a chance this isn't going to work, it's ok to step back- I'd hate for you to hurt yourself for nothing.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sniff, Sniff, Sniff...........................This thread has been inundated with pro-lifers.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

If there's a chance this isn't going to work, it's ok to step back- I'd hate for you to hurt yourself for nothing.

If he does it now without antiemetics it may fail. If he steps back until he has all the required elements and time to plan then he'll likely succeed. What do you advise?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point. It really is such a cruel existence. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering. Best wishes.

 

[Theanswer]

Yeah. That's the truth.

It sucks that you've had to live like that, no one deserves that honestly :(

I booked a hotel for tonight. I'm using SN.

How are you doing @wilsonio?

 

[Hope:-)]

Lots of love to you

 

[Shivali]

 

[Forever Sleep]

I hope you find peace and freedom, whatever you decide.

 

[wilsonio]

How are you doing @wilsonio?

I messed up. I started getting doubts because I didn't have any antiemetics and decided to delay again but before that I told a friend in a voice message about things as a sort of "goodbye" and they freaked out. My family found out and now they're trying to figure out how to get me involuntarily committed at an inpatient facility :/

 

[Theanswer]

I messed up. I started getting doubts because I didn't have any antiemetics but before that I told a friend in a voice message about things as a sort of "goodbye" and they freaked out. My family found out and now they're trying to figure out how to get me involuntarily committed at an inpatient facility :/

Eff, I'm so sorry. Hang on, it's going to be a ride, but you don't know what's up yet. Sorry don't know your story. But, if you feel there is help out there for you, take it now?

 

[wilsonio]

Eff, I'm so sorry. Hang on, it's going to be a ride, but you don't know what's up yet. Sorry don't know your story. But, if you feel there is help out there for you, take it now?

I always thought my family would react a little bit differently honestly which is what kept holding me back in the past. But some of them have actually reacted kinda selfishly and said that what I did/was going to do was extremely disrespectful and selfish, etc etc. And that everyone would eventually move on anyways so I wouldn't actually achieve anything by ctb. If I knew this was how they felt I probably wounldnt have felt so guilty about it. Now with the whole getting put in a mental institution thing it's making me kinda wish I just went through with it with or without the antiemetic . Ugh.

 

[Theanswer]

You said "some of them" have actually reacted...what about the rest? Imo, this is important so I'd love to hear you, please.

You can only think of where you are now not what you could of should of. You made the decision and it didn't work out. And right now you're not on your way to a mental institution - I hear about the strength of you're thinking that's where you're heading. But NOW you don't know that. Play it right...profound regret, appeal (noun and verb), be approachable, and revise.