I'm 23 now. My mom says I been sad since I was a little kid. My first attempt was at 14 or 15. I dropped out of school, somehow got into Law school and dropped out of it too. Now I'm dropping out of my last hope in life, architecture school.
I never had good friends. I start feeling happy for a while, then everybody starts avoiding me - everywhere. I'm not mean, I don't do bad things, I'm a good student.
It's not like everybody hates me, it's just that nobody ever likes me - ever. They don't have a real reason for it, so they feel sorry for me. But they don't want me around at all. It's like I have no value for the world. All of it because I'm a fucking freak.
I can't stand being alone when everyone else seems to get along. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be just like normal people?
I've seen people be pushed away like that, but there's always a big reason: they're a cheater, they were caught stealing, they were abusive. These people were left behind and that's it.
Not me, tho. People feel sorry for me and it freaks me out. What is so wrong with me???
I just wanted to be accepted, be part of something, be the same.
I'm smart, I have good grades, my looks are definitely above average and I'm not bragging about it. I don't say or do weird stuff, I'm level I autistic and that's all. This is why I'm so pathetic. I have everything given to me so I can be happy and still, I fuck it up. It's all on my personality.
Why can't I just do my thing, be brave and make my family proud? I have everything, why is it so difficult? I'm ridiculous.
I have a boyfriend of 4 years. I think I manipulated him with all my self mutilation and suicide attempts. I made him believe it was all his fault for trying to leave me, even if I didn't realize it at the time. He spent nights and nights awake taking care of me. Spent all of his savings. Out of fear, he put me above himself, his graduation, his family: all because he felt guilty. He wasn't happy for being there for me. Now he is depressed, stuck with me because he's so afraid I'm gonna kill myself. He's brain washed from all the literal blood he saw, he thinks it's all his fault and that he needs to be with me forever. He's a good man with a good family.
It's wasn't my intention but I caused it anyway and I'll forever hate myself for that. It doesn't matter how hard I try to show him the real picture, show him I was being very very abusive, he won't believe me. I can't fix it. I just have to watch his light fade away. He won't let me break up. The only way I can get him out of this hell is by ending myself. I love him more than anything and I just want him to find someone better, be happy.
I'm too honest to my own good (and to others). I told him that if he don't realize he was a victim and forgive himself, I will have to end it.
The true is that I'm very selfish and I can't stand my guilt, my loneliness, my pain. I'm a black hole. I can't stand it. I want to be free of it. I deeply care about my boyfriend and family but I can't stand it. I can't stand being a looser. I can't stand living such an embarrassing life.
I'm selfish, petty, pathetic and embarrassing. No matter how little my parents cared about me, no amount of fights and alcoholism can screw up someone this bad. I wish I never existed and I wish I could erase all of my days on earth. I wish no one ever knew me.
I know I won't last long now. I lost everything, all my changes were wasted. I just want to leave the world a better place without me.
I never had good friends. I start feeling happy for a while, then everybody starts avoiding me - everywhere. I'm not mean, I don't do bad things, I'm a good student.
It's not like everybody hates me, it's just that nobody ever likes me - ever. They don't have a real reason for it, so they feel sorry for me. But they don't want me around at all. It's like I have no value for the world. All of it because I'm a fucking freak.
I can't stand being alone when everyone else seems to get along. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be just like normal people?
I've seen people be pushed away like that, but there's always a big reason: they're a cheater, they were caught stealing, they were abusive. These people were left behind and that's it.
Not me, tho. People feel sorry for me and it freaks me out. What is so wrong with me???
I just wanted to be accepted, be part of something, be the same.
I'm smart, I have good grades, my looks are definitely above average and I'm not bragging about it. I don't say or do weird stuff, I'm level I autistic and that's all. This is why I'm so pathetic. I have everything given to me so I can be happy and still, I fuck it up. It's all on my personality.
Why can't I just do my thing, be brave and make my family proud? I have everything, why is it so difficult? I'm ridiculous.
I have a boyfriend of 4 years. I think I manipulated him with all my self mutilation and suicide attempts. I made him believe it was all his fault for trying to leave me, even if I didn't realize it at the time. He spent nights and nights awake taking care of me. Spent all of his savings. Out of fear, he put me above himself, his graduation, his family: all because he felt guilty. He wasn't happy for being there for me. Now he is depressed, stuck with me because he's so afraid I'm gonna kill myself. He's brain washed from all the literal blood he saw, he thinks it's all his fault and that he needs to be with me forever. He's a good man with a good family.
It's wasn't my intention but I caused it anyway and I'll forever hate myself for that. It doesn't matter how hard I try to show him the real picture, show him I was being very very abusive, he won't believe me. I can't fix it. I just have to watch his light fade away. He won't let me break up. The only way I can get him out of this hell is by ending myself. I love him more than anything and I just want him to find someone better, be happy.
I'm too honest to my own good (and to others). I told him that if he don't realize he was a victim and forgive himself, I will have to end it.
The true is that I'm very selfish and I can't stand my guilt, my loneliness, my pain. I'm a black hole. I can't stand it. I want to be free of it. I deeply care about my boyfriend and family but I can't stand it. I can't stand being a looser. I can't stand living such an embarrassing life.
I'm selfish, petty, pathetic and embarrassing. No matter how little my parents cared about me, no amount of fights and alcoholism can screw up someone this bad. I wish I never existed and I wish I could erase all of my days on earth. I wish no one ever knew me.
I know I won't last long now. I lost everything, all my changes were wasted. I just want to leave the world a better place without me.
