Venting I think I'd rather catch the bus than get better

[borderline-feline]

I've been thinking a lot about therapy as of late since I have an appointment with my psychiatrist coming up in January. Therapy doesn't seem to do anything positive for me. As it is, I need to get my chart amended to remove a depression misdiagnosis. Every medication combination has been thoroughly unhelpful in making me feel good, and I'm generally a treatment resistant case, especially since I disagree with behavioral therapy being considered a treatment for an illness since all it does is reduce certain symptoms.

I don't think I'm capable of "getting better". I've tried for over a decade, and I honestly don't know if it's something I even want. I worry enough about my lack of an identity, so the prospect of not knowing how I would come out the other side if treatment were to work is horrifying. Ending my life is a much better option in my mind. I'm excited about the prospect of killing myself, even if I'm not currently able to bring myself to do it.

I kinda wish that my favorite person would start to hate me so I could just kill myself. If he hated me, then I wouldn't be causing him any pain, and he'd be free from the burden of being close with me. As much as I'm terrified of him leaving me, I would be left with nothing holding me back from catching the bus. I couldn't care less what kind of impact my death will have on other people. I just want to be free of pain while leaving my favorite person happy.

I think that therapy has actually made me worse. Between being misdiagnosed with depression at a young age and my OCD being treated in a really unhelpful way (exposure and response prevention therapy), I'm convinced that trying to get better just makes my situation worse. Trying to get treatment for my intrusive thoughts only made them worse and strengthened my desire to die because of how guilty, paranoid, and disgusted I feel from it.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm not exactly known to be good at communication.

 

[aforestfire]

i'm convinced that my time to "get better" has passed and now is just me going downhill, things should had stopped getting worse by now but it just keeps going, and it comes a time where suffering gets boring.
therapy doesn't work for everyone though, sometimes you have to found by yourself what is better for you, and yeah, it's exhausting and it may not even be worth it in the end. whatever you choose in the end, i wish you the best.

 

[borderline-feline]

i'm convinced that my time to "get better" has passed and now is just me going downhill, things should had stopped getting worse by now but it just keeps going, and it comes a time where suffering gets boring.
therapy doesn't work for everyone though, sometimes you have to found by yourself what is better for you, and yeah, it's exhausting and it may not even be worth it in the end. whatever you choose in the end, i wish you the best.

Yeah, I feel ya. I don't think I really had a time to get better in the first place. I have breakdowns over the most insignificant of things, and I'll never have even a shred of emotional stability. It can be really frustrating because so many people refuse to acknowledge that some people just aren't capable of getting better.

 

[NHLTradeRumor]

God I know how that feels. I've been on anti-depressants since I was 12 years old, and I've been in 24 different mental hospitals, all this is to say that none of it has helped. I don't want to get better because I know it's futile to even try, I've been trying for damn near half my life. My arms and legs are disfigured and have nerve damage from 8 years of self-harm, and that's not gonna get better either, as it's my main way to distract/disassociate. I'll never be able to keep a job, and I have tried MANY times. All this is not even counting my dysphoria. I've hung off the end of a rope before, as a "test" to see how painful it would be, and I was pleased to not have it hurt at all, so once I get another rope I can probably finally CTB, it's pretty much inevitable at this point.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have wondered this myself- whether some people are just treatment resistant. I sort of wonder if you have to really WANT to get better in order to be engaged enough with any psychological treatment. I suppose I wonder just how many of us DO want to get better. (Considering how difficult it seems to be and how uncertain the final outcome is.)

Doesn't seem like physical illness to me- where a doctor can 'repair' you (or not- sadly.) Not to say physical illnesses don't require the patient to play their part to improve- special diet, exercise, quitting bad habits. Still- the psychological side just seems so much more hit and miss to me. Even with regards to medication (which kind of scares me...) 'Let's try you on this and see what happens' type thing. Still- I suppose that applies to physical illness too.

Honestly, I really admire people who have put in all that work to get better. I've largely gone the avoidance route!

I really hope you can find your way through this. I sympathise with your situation. I don't feel like I can CTB while my Dad is still here. It would be just as bad if I tried to cut him off. So, I feel like I just have to tread water for now. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do.

 

[LittleJem]

They tell everyone they can 'get better' but surely after years of trying to 'get better' we should be honest and say that it is not possible for everyone. The fact they keep saying it to people who have suffered for years is a lack of honesty and also victim blaming.

Like one woman I spoke to on a suicide hotline who told me there is a way to 'get better' but it sounds like I've lost faith in the system.

I did want to get better for years, then when you don't get better, it's like believing in fairies.

I do have two or three meds left to try, and I've suffered this over thirty years now.

Personally, I have a medication that helps me a little and I still want to die all day every day and not got out of bed for days.

 

[outrider567]

I've been thinking a lot about therapy as of late since I have an appointment with my psychiatrist coming up in January. Therapy doesn't seem to do anything positive for me. As it is, I need to get my chart amended to remove a depression misdiagnosis. Every medication combination has been thoroughly unhelpful in making me feel good, and I'm generally a treatment resistant case, especially since I disagree with behavioral therapy being considered a treatment for an illness since all it does is reduce certain symptoms.

I don't think I'm capable of "getting better". I've tried for over a decade, and I honestly don't know if it's something I even want. I worry enough about my lack of an identity, so the prospect of not knowing how I would come out the other side if treatment were to work is horrifying. Ending my life is a much better option in my mind. I'm excited about the prospect of killing myself, even if I'm not currently able to bring myself to do it.

I kinda wish that my favorite person would start to hate me so I could just kill myself. If he hated me, then I wouldn't be causing him any pain, and he'd be free from the burden of being close with me. As much as I'm terrified of him leaving me, I would be left with nothing holding me back from catching the bus. I couldn't care less what kind of impact my death will have on other people. I just want to be free of pain while leaving my favorite person happy.

I think that therapy has actually made me worse. Between being misdiagnosed with depression at a young age and my OCD being treated in a really unhelpful way (exposure and response prevention therapy), I'm convinced that trying to get better just makes my situation worse. Trying to get treatment for my intrusive thoughts only made them worse and strengthened my desire to die because of how guilty, paranoid, and disgusted I feel from it.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm not exactly known to be good at communication.

Agree--Although its only been a year for me, I see zero chance of me getting 'better'

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable. To me existence does feel like a pointless and tedious struggle which could never be worth it in any way, I see no point to suffering in an existence not worth enduring when to die could solve everything for me. Of course the thought of actually being dead is so incredibly comforting and I just love the sound being completely unaware of absolutely everything where I never have to endure another day of this useless existence. It's such a shame that actually being gone from this world is such a difficult thing to accomplish, at least for me.
But it really sounds like you have suffered a lot and it must be so tiring what you go through. I hope that you find what you wish for.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I just don't know if it's possible to get better at this point. I'm too far gone.

 

[UKscotty]

What does 'get better' even actually mean?

Once you come to the realisation of just how pointless and meaningless life is, you never go back to sleep from knowing that. We are just here to breed and produce more humans who too can slave away so that 1% of humanity can live in obscene luxury.

 

[borderline-feline]

What does 'get better' even actually mean?

Once you come to the realisation of just how pointless and meaningless life is, you never go back to sleep from knowing that. We are just here to breed and produce more humans who too can slave away so that 1% of humanity can live in obscene luxury.

I do think you're onto something there. I think the main reason why suicide is so stigmatized is that society can't benefit from dead people. When people were inventing religions tens of thousands of years ago, it made sense to discourage suicide since the species had to continue reproducing, but we've progressed past that as a species.

If anything, the human population is too high now, and it just ends up harming countless people while the few find a way to hoard ever-depleting resources. Ian Anderson compared overpopulation to a speeding train without a brake handle, continuing to make the problem worse until the inevitable crash; I think it was a rather apt metaphor.

 

[conflagration]

Therapy also made me feel worse. I was closest to CTB after 5 month stationary group therapy for personality disorders.