NSFW I think i raped my ex

[pineapple-chicken]

I don't know where else to talk about this, but I was talking with one of my female friends today. We were talking about consent, and she told me about how she was raped before, with her ex boyfriend, it started off consensual and them it went further than she was comfortable with and she told him to stop, but they were both drunk and he didn't.

I told her that horrible and I'm sorry she went through that, and now today I realised I've done that. It wasn't violent, we weren't drunk, but we were in a polyamorous relationship, a throuple, and the man I was with at the time, well call him A, said that he didn't think our boyfriend, well call him C would like us sleeping together without him. This was him saying no, we had already a bunch of stuff the week before, kissing, rimming, bjs ,fingering, and wax play, but no penetration. He said he enjoyed it, and he wanted to go all the way in the future but didn't want to do it without C. Kissing and cuddling was okay though, so we did that, for like 2 hours, both of us had raging boners, and so I took things further, eve though it felt wrong, I rimmed him, and then I fingered him, not super deep, I guess it was like my "this doesn't count" loophole. He didn't tell me to stop, but it doesn't matter, he said he didn't want to do it and i did it anyways. I was even about to fuck him, but he said he got a fissure as soon as my dick was like a cm inside of him. So we stopped.

I held him, he smiled with me after, we seemed okay. But I have no idea what was going through his head, how badly I fucked him up, I've sent him a message, apologizing for what I did, and now i don't know what to do with myself, I have to sit here knowing I violated someone's boundaries when they trusted me. I feel like such a peice of shitz I'm so sorry A I wish I could take it back

This is the message I sent apologising , he hasn't responded
"
A, i need to apologise

And I know you don't want to see me so I will do it here, and I don't expect forgiveness or even a response becuase I haven't done anything actionably different, these are just words.

The last Saturday morning when we were together, I raped you, you set up boundaries, and I didn't listen to them, I took advantage of you. I can't really point to why, and even if I could it wouldn't help. I hurt you, physically, and emotionally, and unconsensually, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you took the fall for it later that night, and I'm sorry that I put you through any of it, I wish I didn't, but I can't change that now.

I took advantage of you, and all I can ask is that you can come to know that it wasn't your fault, it was mine, I perpetrated it, and I am in the wrong. I don't fully know what to do from here, how to make it better, but this is at least a start.

I genuinely regret what I did to you, and I'm sorry
"

 

[MidnightDream]

It sounds as though things got a bit more heated than he had originally stated he felt comfortable with - but when he asked you to stop, you did. That's not rape imo

 

[poached]

Because it appears that you provided a written confession to a potential crime you need to speak to a criminal defense attorney in your state

 

[pineapple-chicken]

I live in south africa, I don't think he's going to press charges first off, second off If he does the police won't take him seriously, one becusse he's a man, and two becuase he's gay. Ive tried laying a sexual assualt case before they laugh at you.

It sounds as though things got a bit more heated than he had originally stated he felt comfortable with - but when he asked you to stop, you did. That's not rape imo

I didn't think it was either, but the more I recontextualise it the more I realise that I crossed a line that he set. It was unconsentual
Also this thread isn't really about legal advice it's more so... I don't know what to do with myself after realizing Im a piece of shit, and normally I check for consent with every thing I do, if I hold a guys hand I ask if it's okay, and i didn't do that here becuase I didn't want him to say no. I don't know how to move on from that

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Sexual coercion. It could be considered rape or sexual assault, especially since it was penetrative. You've correctly recognized that it's unacceptable to coerce someone into sex without their consent, this does happen in relationships but that doesn't mean that it's not wrong to do so. You've correctly recognized that although he presented as smiling, that he might not have been happy inside and this might have affected him afterwards, just as it affected you upon realisation of what you did. Sooner or later he might've had or will have the same ephiphany about what happened if he didn't immediately.

He might've been ok with it, but we'll never know for sure. This is why consent is important, which OP recognizes now. Particularly because he said he didn't want to. The aftermath of what happened later is unrelated. What you do is learn from this and ensure it never happens again, that's all you can do now.