ceriseange♡
ꜱᴡᴇᴇᴛ, ᴍᴏᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ʟᴀᴍʙ...
- Nov 3, 2023
- 46
For years I've always told myself I'd never do it until my parents pass because I'd never want to put them through that, but now I'm getting to the point where I'm barely thinking about it. I'm scared. There's so much I still want to do, so many little things that I just want to sit with - but I don't know how much longer I can do it. Everyone keeps telling me I'm 22 and I have my whole life ahead of me and have so much time but it feels like I can't go on anymore. I can't function like everyone else no matter how hard I try and every day is more and more exhaustion. Anxiety is eating me alive. I don't feel safe leaving my apartment. I don't feel safe in my own head. I want to go home but I don't even know where that is anymore.
I think it's just never dawned on me how scary it is to be so close to just...leaving? I want to give it one last chance, but I say that every time. Every time it gets better it gets worse again. It never stays stable. I'm tired of chasing. I'm tired of running. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'd even do it. I don't want to die alone in this apartment but I can't go where I'd like to.
If I go who's going to take care of my stuffed animals. I don't want to leave them alone, not like that. It sounds so childish but I'm so scared and I just...I don't know what to do. I feel so alone in my own head and nothing is helping. Not the meds, not the therapy, not the exercise - even if it does for a little bit it never lasts. I wish I was just born normal. I wish the chemicals in my brain would just work like they're supposed to. Maybe I meant to just go. I don't know.
I grew up catholic and a lot of that trauma and fear and love has been creeping back into my life. My head is spinning. I hope God isn't angry at me for giving up. I really did try. I just want people to know that I really did try. I tried so so hard and I still feel like this and I'm sorry.
I really wanted to be an astronaut. I think thats what makes me the saddest. I had so many big dreams. So wishes that just died. I stopped volunteering at the aquarium because y mental health got so bad and now I missed the chance to go back. Those seals were the only thing saving me and they didn't even know. They're perfect.
I don't know anymore. I'm sorry this is very incoherent, I'm just very not okay right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really sorry. I really don't do any of this on purpose. I promise I really tried. I'm still trying even if I'm not doing very well. I just want to be okay but I don't think that's ever going to happen.
I think I'm scared of going alone.
I think it's just never dawned on me how scary it is to be so close to just...leaving? I want to give it one last chance, but I say that every time. Every time it gets better it gets worse again. It never stays stable. I'm tired of chasing. I'm tired of running. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'd even do it. I don't want to die alone in this apartment but I can't go where I'd like to.
If I go who's going to take care of my stuffed animals. I don't want to leave them alone, not like that. It sounds so childish but I'm so scared and I just...I don't know what to do. I feel so alone in my own head and nothing is helping. Not the meds, not the therapy, not the exercise - even if it does for a little bit it never lasts. I wish I was just born normal. I wish the chemicals in my brain would just work like they're supposed to. Maybe I meant to just go. I don't know.
I grew up catholic and a lot of that trauma and fear and love has been creeping back into my life. My head is spinning. I hope God isn't angry at me for giving up. I really did try. I just want people to know that I really did try. I tried so so hard and I still feel like this and I'm sorry.
I really wanted to be an astronaut. I think thats what makes me the saddest. I had so many big dreams. So wishes that just died. I stopped volunteering at the aquarium because y mental health got so bad and now I missed the chance to go back. Those seals were the only thing saving me and they didn't even know. They're perfect.
I don't know anymore. I'm sorry this is very incoherent, I'm just very not okay right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really sorry. I really don't do any of this on purpose. I promise I really tried. I'm still trying even if I'm not doing very well. I just want to be okay but I don't think that's ever going to happen.
I think I'm scared of going alone.
