i think i might ctb on jan 30th.

[user667]

don't hold me to it or anything, because i'm a pussy and i'll probably back out. but god i want to die so bad. i hope it works. i'm using SN. i have had it since september, and opened it twice then so it has been exposed to air, but i resealed it again directly after. is it still safe to use? other than that my only struggles are finding a place to ctb (i think my only option is to do it in my room with the door locked while my mother, father, and sister are asleep but my mom is a light sleeper), and overcoming survival instinct. as far as survival instinct goes, it is present but i have determined that it is not a will to stay alive or real anxiety about dying, it is just my biology trying to keep me alive. i think by using a benzo and reassuring myself of my reasons for dying i should be able to overcome it no problem.

 

[WornOutLife]

It's a shame life has been so unfair to us and made us consider ctb a choice.
I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this.
If you need anybody to talk, here I am.

Send you lots of hugs and hope you can decide what's better for you.

 

[Tired_Tired]

Just make sure, once is enough.

 

[StrawberryPanic]

U need to win your self boundaries
Peace be with you

 

[user667]

U need to win your self boundaries
Peace be with you

what does this mean?

 

[user667]

if you have anything that could help pls reply…

 

[Zimcity]

Hi 667!
I hope you find a way to go peaceful and the way you wish.

But please; do not do it in a home you share with your family while they are there unless you have a good reason.
I can understand if you want to feel close to them, but do not do so without considering what it will be like to find a child they love in such a state without preparation.
I don't say this to try and convince you to change your mind or encourage you. Only to make sure you consider this point.

I, myself, want to die. I have two small children and what I want most of all is to die while holding them or watching them while they sleep and hearing their beautiful breathing. But I cannot allow them to see me dead so I have to do it somewhere else. We can find alternatives that may suffice although I obviously don't know you or your situation.

So I completely understand wanting to die. I can also understand an overpowering need to be home when you do something so intimate and private. Just consider it and consider whether or not it could be helpful to leave something behind letting them know you were glad they were close when you went.

When it comes to survival instict. This is not something you can overcome with willpower. This is likely an involuntary reaction. Even if we long for peace we have reactions that could do almost anything to stay alive.

I hope you find comfort and I wish you the best possible outcome in whatever you decide.

 

[user667]

Hi 667!
I hope you find a way to go peaceful and the way you wish.

But please; do not do it in a home you share with your family while they are there unless you have a good reason.
I can understand if you want to feel close to them, but do not do so without considering what it will be like to find a child they love in such a state without preparation.
I don't say this to try and convince you to change your mind or encourage you. Only to make sure you consider this point.

I, myself, want to die. I have two small children and what I want most of all is to die while holding them or watching them while they sleep and hearing their beautiful breathing. But I cannot allow them to see me dead so I have to do it somewhere else. We can find alternatives that may suffice although I obviously don't know you or your situation.

So I completely understand wanting to die. I can also understand an overpowering need to be home when you do something so intimate and private. Just consider it and consider whether or not it could be helpful to leave something behind letting them know you were glad they were close when you went.

When it comes to survival instict. This is not something you can overcome with willpower. This is likely an involuntary reaction. Even if we long for peace we have reactions that could do almost anything to stay alive.

I hope you find comfort and I wish you the best possible outcome in whatever you decide.

thank you for your feedback. and i understand what you are saying about doing it at home. unfortunately i cannot find anywhere else to do it. i am never left alone in my house, i have zero money for a hotel and i'm not sure what other options that leaves me. i am trying to think so hard to find another place to do it but i am so stuck and my date is fast approaching. i don't want to hurt them as i am close with them but i fear it is my only option.