Help I think I finally know why I'm not at making friends...

[Anonymous1997ES]

Decided to follow some advice given here, and started to self-reflect about my past to get answers...

In a nutshell... I was desperate, and loneliness slowly became stronger and stronger...

I started to lose many past friendships, mostly from high school and the internet... And I barely managed to make some at college, but failed most of the time as well... And in the end I drifted away from pretty much all of those college friendships...

That's why I started to go to forums or discord servers based on things I liked, hoping that I could make friends that way... But either one of these things happened:

— Couldn't make friends at all, or probably ended up being tolerated by others, or I pissed them off with my way of being and ended up losing them (or we just drifted away naturally).

Had to realize that probably I was a bad friend/acquaintance, or even a nuisance, since in many abandoned accounts I found out no one asked if I was okay or sent a message... I made the same mistake I did in real life, trying to befriend as many people as I could, wanting to fill the void that was growing inside of my heart... Made promises I couldn't fulfill, was condescending and rarely said that I didn't like something, was far more annoying than I'm now, tried to help even while no one asked for it, and didn't respect boundaries while doing so... And by trying to save friendships where people didn't like me, I forgot about some people who cared... And now it's far too late. Even in some forums/servers I stayed for a while, slowly trying to interact with people, almost no one reached out, and most of those who did ended up becoming distant later (ranging from a few days to a few months at most)...

Aside from the few friends I still have left... I don't know how to connect with people at all beyond being classmates/acquaintances... I probably made so many people feel uncomfortable, or annoyed them a lot, I've ruined so many things in my life... If I'll have to go to normal classes next semester I don't know how I will survive that... Even while behind a screen, it's like people can sense I'm broken or damaged goods... And the mere thought that I'm losing or I could lose someone else is more than enough to tear me apart...

No matter what I do or say, aside from few exceptions... I always lose. And by now I've learned that trying to fix things/reaching out in some cases will led to terrible consequences so... I think I should just accept my fate... Perhaps I'm a bad person inside, that's why I deserved so much indifference/abandonment...

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Decided to follow some advice given here, and started to self-reflect about my past to get answers...

In a nutshell... I was desperate, and loneliness slowly became stronger and stronger...

I started to lose many past friendships, mostly from high school and the internet... And I barely managed to make some at college, but failed most of the time as well... And in the end I drifted away from pretty much all of those college friendships...

That's why I started to go to forums or discord servers based on things I liked, hoping that I could make friends that way... But either one of these things happened:

— Couldn't make friends at all, or probably ended up being tolerated by others, or I pissed them off with my way of being and ended up losing them (or we just drifted away naturally).

Had to realize that probably I was a bad friend/acquaintance, or even a nuisance, since in many abandoned accounts I found out no one asked if I was okay or sent a message... I made the same mistake I did in real life, trying to befriend as many people as I could, wanting to fill the void that was growing inside of my heart... Made promises I couldn't fulfill, was condescending and rarely said that I didn't like something, was far more annoying than I'm now, tried to help even while no one asked for it, and didn't respect boundaries while doing so... And by trying to save friendships where people didn't like me, I forgot about some people who cared... And now it's far too late. Even in some forums/servers I stayed for a while, slowly trying to interact with people, almost no one reached out, and most of those who did ended up becoming distant later (ranging from a few days to a few months at most)...

Aside from the few friends I still have left... I don't know how to connect with people at all beyond being classmates/acquaintances... I probably made so many people feel uncomfortable, or annoyed them a lot, I've ruined so many things in my life... If I'll have to go to normal classes next semester I don't know how I will survive that... Even while behind a screen, it's like people can sense I'm broken or damaged goods... And the mere thought that I'm losing or I could lose someone else is more than enough to tear me apart...

No matter what I do or say, aside from few exceptions... I always lose. And by now I've learned that trying to fix things/reaching out in some cases will led to terrible consequences so... I think I should just accept my fate... Perhaps I'm a bad person inside, that's why I deserved so much indifference/abandonment...

A lot of this felt like I'd written it. I share your pain. I wish I knew/had known the solution to our problem. Hope next semester is a surprising improvement for you.

 

[suisuiforum]

I relate to a lot of what you posted as well. I'm not great at maintaining relationships with other people, horrible irl and only slightly better online, which is why I gravitate toward online spaces to take what I can get. I wish I could give you more concrete solutions, but I'm also trying to figure it out. I don't believe you're a bad person though; sometimes you can try a million times, and it unfortunately won't work out for reasons beyond your control. I really hope you're able to find more people you vibe with, because you don't deserve that type of abandonment at all.

 

[timf]

I think you have come to a healthy understanding of how some personality characteristics can negatively impact friendship relationships. Social media friendships are by nature limited. 100 years ago most people had as friends their siblings and cousins as well as those in their neighborhoods.

Prior to the automobile, People often remained where they grew up. This allowed people to be heavily invested in the lives of those around them. In a way, this could also work to limit how far off the rails one might be inclined to drift as others wanted to protect their investment in us.

Life today is far different. The common two child family is more like a house with four roommates each with their own activities, work, and friends. Often the only deeper friendships are forged in adversity like the Army, prison, or AA. Some churches offer deeper connections, but even they are often more systems oriented.

Congratulations on achieving a deeper understanding of yourself which can open the door to many improvements. However, you should not be disheartened by difficulties in forging friendships in today's social world as achieving depth of any kind is much more difficult than it has been.

 

[Celerity]

I think you have come to a healthy understanding of how some personality characteristics can negatively impact friendship relationships. Social media friendships are by nature limited. 100 years ago most people had as friends their siblings and cousins as well as those in their neighborhoods.

Prior to the automobile, People often remained where they grew up. This allowed people to be heavily invested in the lives of those around them. In a way, this could also work to limit how far off the rails one might be inclined to drift as others wanted to protect their investment in us.

Life today is far different. The common two child family is more like a house with four roommates each with their own activities, work, and friends. Often the only deeper friendships are forged in adversity like the Army, prison, or AA. Some churches offer deeper connections, but even they are often more systems oriented.

Congratulations on achieving a deeper understanding of yourself which can open the door to many improvements. However, you should not be disheartened by difficulties in forging friendships in today's social world as achieving depth of any kind is much more difficult than it has been.

@Anonymous1997ES I agree with this take.

We are living in very strange times. I can relate to what you say. There are certainly aspects of my personality that make it very, very difficult for me to make and keep friends. However, as @timf said, the way we communicate now is so far removed from that of our ancestors that even ostensibly "normal" people struggle in this new, detached climate internet communication has created. The "loneliness epidemic" is real. I don't know what the end result is going to be if/when society turns the corner on this - a lot of suicides and other "deaths of despair", I think, but no one really wants to hear that. We all just keep our heads down and keep moving because there's no turning back the clock.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

@Anonymous1997ES I agree with this take.

We are living in very strange times. I can relate to what you say. There are certainly aspects of my personality that make it very, very difficult for me to make and keep friends. However, as @timf said, the way we communicate now is so far removed from that of our ancestors that even ostensibly "normal" people struggle in this new, detached climate internet communication has created. The "loneliness epidemic" is real. I don't know what the end result is going to be if/when society turns the corner on this - a lot of suicides and other "deaths of despair", I think, but no one really wants to hear that. We all just keep our heads down and keep moving because there's no turning back the clock.

I notice this big time. The world is becoming very surreal and devoid of empathy/humanity. It's almost more normal to not be able to make friends in this day and age. I don't know what the answer is but I do know it isn't discord servers etc. To me those things just feed into an even bigger sense of isolation. To be fair though, I was never good at making or keeping friends. I liked people occasionally, but always on my own terms, and hated being bothered by phone calls or unexpected knocks at the door etc. It would throw me into a panic.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

A lot of this felt like I'd written it. I share your pain. I wish I knew/had known the solution to our problem. Hope next semester is a surprising improvement for you.

Same for you into whatever you're doing! Agreed, wish someone would write a guide to avoid things like this to happen... u_u

I relate to a lot of what you posted as well. I'm not great at maintaining relationships with other people, horrible irl and only slightly better online, which is why I gravitate toward online spaces to take what I can get. I wish I could give you more concrete solutions, but I'm also trying to figure it out. I don't believe you're a bad person though; sometimes you can try a million times, and it unfortunately won't work out for reasons beyond your control. I really hope you're able to find more people you vibe with, because you don't deserve that type of abandonment at all.

Sorry to hear that... I hope you can make bonds with people in the future as well, as all of us deserve to make connections and bonds with others... Though sometimes I think I partially deserved because of my immature and childish attitude... u_u

I think you have come to a healthy understanding of how some personality characteristics can negatively impact friendship relationships. Social media friendships are by nature limited. 100 years ago most people had as friends their siblings and cousins as well as those in their neighborhoods.

Prior to the automobile, People often remained where they grew up. This allowed people to be heavily invested in the lives of those around them. In a way, this could also work to limit how far off the rails one might be inclined to drift as others wanted to protect their investment in us.

Life today is far different. The common two child family is more like a house with four roommates each with their own activities, work, and friends. Often the only deeper friendships are forged in adversity like the Army, prison, or AA. Some churches offer deeper connections, but even they are often more systems oriented.

Congratulations on achieving a deeper understanding of yourself which can open the door to many improvements. However, you should not be disheartened by difficulties in forging friendships in today's social world as achieving depth of any kind is much more difficult than it has been.

That's true, in the past people spent more time trying to understand others, nowadays is quite difficult to do so... Those words about adversity are true as well, when you've been with someone in good, neutral and bad then those bonds can slowly grow as they're nurtured... Though most of time I've been told that I don't need anyone, that as long as I have enough self-love for myself I would be fine... No offense to those people but, I don't think self-love alone can fix this... u_u

@Anonymous1997ES I agree with this take.

We are living in very strange times. I can relate to what you say. There are certainly aspects of my personality that make it very, very difficult for me to make and keep friends. However, as @timf said, the way we communicate now is so far removed from that of our ancestors that even ostensibly "normal" people struggle in this new, detached climate internet communication has created. The "loneliness epidemic" is real. I don't know what the end result is going to be if/when society turns the corner on this - a lot of suicides and other "deaths of despair", I think, but no one really wants to hear that. We all just keep our heads down and keep moving because there's no turning back the clock.

Sorry to hear about that... Hope you can make connections with others in the future. Society should really realize that while yes, most people don't suffer from that loneliness, there are those whom are punished by it and need help... Self-love by itself can't fix everything, as we're a social species by nature, we can't live without connections... At this point I'm partially afraid of making new friends because I don't want to be misunderstood and even gaining more hatred... u_u

I notice this big time. The world is becoming very surreal and devoid of empathy/humanity. It's almost more normal to not be able to make friends in this day and age. I don't know what the answer is but I do know it isn't discord servers etc. To me those things just feed into an even bigger sense of isolation. To be fair though, I was never good at making or keeping friends. I liked people occasionally, but always on my own terms, and hated being bothered by phone calls or unexpected knocks at the door etc. It would throw me into a panic.

Sorry to hear that, I kinda understand being afraid of socializing in real life... Wish we could do something, before the pandemic, I noticed that in my college generation almost everyone had at least one social group, or at least some friends, but I barely had them, neither I could connect with others... u_u

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

100 years ago most people had as friends their siblings and cousins as well as those in their neighborhoods.

I missed your comment when I first read through this thread and am glad I found it now! I just wanted to corroborate much of what you shared. I come from a HUGE family. My grandmother had more than a dozen kids. I remember when I was a kid, pretty lonely even back then, hearing an aunt mention that "they" (sisters who owned a large property in a big city, each family occupying one floor...) were never lonely BECAUSE they were always together. My immediate family moved away from the security of the extended family just after I was born. BIG MISTAKE (for me, at least). Not only was life excruciating on our own, but it was also devilishly lonely. My best memories from childhood were of the rare visits to the extended family. I'd run from one floor up/down to others to visit with people-who-knew-and-loved-me. I felt so ... safe. At least a lot of the time. Back home, I felt like a concentration camp survivor, just waiting for the next assault, just enduring the months-to-years of isolation. And then one day you're "old" (mid-to-late 20's+) and no one gives a damn about your feelings or needs anymore. Even though there were never any instruction on how to get them fulfilled. Even though you have DECADES of life left to sit and endure unwanted solitude...

Anyway, I agree with you. There's a new way of living today. For a lot of us, the "luxury" of independence hasn't been worth the cost of the loss of an automatic protective community. Thanks for raising these points.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

I missed your comment when I first read through this thread and am glad I found it now! I just wanted to corroborate much of what you shared. I come from a HUGE family. My grandmother had more than a dozen kids. I remember when I was a kid, pretty lonely even back then, hearing an aunt mention that "they" (sisters who owned a large property in a big city, each family occupying one floor...) were never lonely BECAUSE they were always together. My immediate family moved away from the security of the extended family just after I was born. BIG MISTAKE (for me, at least). Not only was life excruciating on our own, but it was also devilishly lonely. My best memories from childhood were of the rare visits to the extended family. I'd run from one floor up/down to others to visit with people-who-knew-and-loved-me. I felt so ... safe. At least a lot of the time. Back home, I felt like a concentration camp survivor, just waiting for the next assault, just enduring the months-to-years of isolation. And then one day you're "old" (mid-to-late 20's+) and no one gives a damn about your feelings or needs anymore. Even though there were never any instruction on how to get them fulfilled. Even though you have DECADES of life left to sit and endure unwanted solitude...

Anyway, I agree with you. There's a new way of living today. For a lot of us, the "luxury" of independence hasn't been worth the cost of the loss of an automatic protective community. Thanks for raising these points.

Extended family is always one of the things people should always treasure like you said... If you can, try to reach out to them, to ask your immediate family to join them again, so you can have bonds and support like you deserve.

 

[Mr2005]

This is like the conversation I've always wanted to have and I stumbled upon it quite by accident. Thankyou, some really insightful posts