SoulCage
Member
- Dec 28, 2023
- 70
The last few days I have been feeling better, more brain/body active, because I found a way to accept my pain without going through the hassle of finding, testing and successfully executing a peaceful CTB method.
I keep repeating the following rant:
__
If people keep insisting that I must exist, that I have to keep feeling tired and sick every day and do not offer me a peaceful exit (euthanasia) then I will totally exploit the social security system of my country. I have to live, because you want me to live. Society doesn't care about my suffering so why should I care about taking your tax money until I die of "natural causes". If you want me to stop, just fulfill my wish.
__
I used to be extremely ashamed of people judging me for using the system, a system that I believed was for the sick and disadvantaged people. I thought that people will think less of me, would ignore me if I use it without a real reason. And also felt bad because I was taking resources away from people who really need it. But you know what? People ignore me already anyway, even when I had an interesting life and a supportive attitude! It doesn't matter how I contribute to this world. All I ever got was just more problems and more Bad experiences with strangers.
In my country (Central Europe), I can have free healthcare with only 1 condition: I have to apply for jobs. But even if I get a job and it sucks ass, I'll just take my time and relax. I will not do work when I am sick or too tired and If they want to fire me then do it. I don't care.
That being said, I currently have no problem with housing or food, because I live with my boyfriend who is such a positive thinker, it's ridiculous that he hasn't left me yet. He believes I can be saved and provides the means. In return I have to do some kind of activity (other than wasting at home) and I am thinking... I'll just demand whatever doctor there is while watching my social worker judging me.
In my wishful thinking this could either lead to:
A.) Maybe there is some kind of job out there that doesn't suck ass and pays decent money to enjoy the riches of a developed country (and still ignoring that I need something for my old age)
Or
B.) Maybe after years of work with doctors I somehow get approved for a peaceful exit :)
This plan goes to shit in case my positive boyfriend finally realizes that I am a useless and annoying burden and finally dumps me. If he gives up then well.. I still have my resources to do my own exit (even though I might not manage to do it peacefully...)
For the person who reads this far and feels bad/jealous because of my heartless exploitation plan... I am sorry you are not able to tolerate/follow this due to your circumstances (physical or economical). I am totally aware about what is going on in the world and that I live in a privileged place. But I have also gone through a lot of pain and I hate that the world is in so much pain. You can judge me all you want if it makes you feel better. I need to get used at being judged (I am actually a chronical people pleaser...)
Side note: I am posting this on SaSu, because I believe that it's something I should not share with any person I am close with. Still I needed to share it in a public setting because I kinda wonder what people are thinking about this "plan" of mine.
Is it okay to take advantage of the system when you actually want to die?
Why do people judge me for exploiting it, but at the same time insist that I have to exist? (Obviously, healthy people think I am lazy and not that I want to CTB. Still... It hate the hypocrisy).
I keep repeating the following rant:
__
If people keep insisting that I must exist, that I have to keep feeling tired and sick every day and do not offer me a peaceful exit (euthanasia) then I will totally exploit the social security system of my country. I have to live, because you want me to live. Society doesn't care about my suffering so why should I care about taking your tax money until I die of "natural causes". If you want me to stop, just fulfill my wish.
__
I used to be extremely ashamed of people judging me for using the system, a system that I believed was for the sick and disadvantaged people. I thought that people will think less of me, would ignore me if I use it without a real reason. And also felt bad because I was taking resources away from people who really need it. But you know what? People ignore me already anyway, even when I had an interesting life and a supportive attitude! It doesn't matter how I contribute to this world. All I ever got was just more problems and more Bad experiences with strangers.
In my country (Central Europe), I can have free healthcare with only 1 condition: I have to apply for jobs. But even if I get a job and it sucks ass, I'll just take my time and relax. I will not do work when I am sick or too tired and If they want to fire me then do it. I don't care.
That being said, I currently have no problem with housing or food, because I live with my boyfriend who is such a positive thinker, it's ridiculous that he hasn't left me yet. He believes I can be saved and provides the means. In return I have to do some kind of activity (other than wasting at home) and I am thinking... I'll just demand whatever doctor there is while watching my social worker judging me.
In my wishful thinking this could either lead to:
A.) Maybe there is some kind of job out there that doesn't suck ass and pays decent money to enjoy the riches of a developed country (and still ignoring that I need something for my old age)
Or
B.) Maybe after years of work with doctors I somehow get approved for a peaceful exit :)
This plan goes to shit in case my positive boyfriend finally realizes that I am a useless and annoying burden and finally dumps me. If he gives up then well.. I still have my resources to do my own exit (even though I might not manage to do it peacefully...)
For the person who reads this far and feels bad/jealous because of my heartless exploitation plan... I am sorry you are not able to tolerate/follow this due to your circumstances (physical or economical). I am totally aware about what is going on in the world and that I live in a privileged place. But I have also gone through a lot of pain and I hate that the world is in so much pain. You can judge me all you want if it makes you feel better. I need to get used at being judged (I am actually a chronical people pleaser...)
Side note: I am posting this on SaSu, because I believe that it's something I should not share with any person I am close with. Still I needed to share it in a public setting because I kinda wonder what people are thinking about this "plan" of mine.
Is it okay to take advantage of the system when you actually want to die?
Why do people judge me for exploiting it, but at the same time insist that I have to exist? (Obviously, healthy people think I am lazy and not that I want to CTB. Still... It hate the hypocrisy).
