Venting I think I attempted today

[neverwashere]

The reason I say "I think" is because I'm not sure if what I did constitutes as an actual attempt. Allow me to explain;

I've been in a weird mood for the last 2-3ish weeks where at every minor inconvenience or every quiet moment I have, my brain defaults to thinking about and planning ways for me to kill myself. And one thing led to another and I decided that today will be the day I do it. I don't know what exactly pushed me to decide today was the day, but I even called my best friend beforehand and had a very fun conversation with them over FaceTime for what was supposed to be the last time- my rule is that if I ever get serious about CTB I'll call them and if I change my mind by the time I hang up, I won't do it. However, when I hung up it still felt like every bit of my body was aching to die.

So, I decided I'm going to try the partial hanging method. I was fully ready to go until it came to actually leaning forward- I was sitting on my knees, facing away from my closet door handle the tie I decided to use was tied to. I couldn't bring myself to use my full body weight for very long because as soon as I felt my lips starting to tingle and sting and my head hurt, I sat up. I tried pushing through the discomfort a few more times, and even tried padding my throat with some fuzzy socks so there wouldn't be as much pressure on my windpipe but I just. I couldn't. I feel like such a coward and I feel so much worse than I did before I tried.

The fact that I chickened out as soon as I started to actually die is why I'm not sure if this counts as an attempt. I guess it technically does because I went through the motions of trying to take my own life, but at the same time I backed out. So if it was an attempt then it was a very half-assed one.

I dunno. I guess I just wasn't fully serious about wanting to die or something? Because right now I'm fine. If you give me a loaded gun right now I wouldn't use it on myself, but if you gave it to me a few hours ago I probably would've shot myself without a second thought; its quicker than sitting through the 1-2 minutes (or more!) it takes you to pass out from hanging. Those few minutes of slowly passing out and loosing consciousness is what scares me the most, because while I want to die, that stupid primal part of my brain refuses to let me die. Its annoying.

I guess I just feel pretty bummed out I couldn't bring myself to do it, y'know? I already can't do anything right in my life, and now I can't even kill myself properly. There's really no way of winning for me, is there?

At this point I just feel so shitty. I thought writing my thoughts out might help me feel a little better but I feel worse. I feel like such scum right now, I don't even know why I bother anymore. I'm trying my best to at least not relapse on SH but at this point I might just say fuck it and go slit my wrists in the bathtub and hope I bleed out. I probably won't and instead I'll go to sleep or something, but fuck man I really don't want to be here anymore.

My existence is so pitiful and disgusting, I have no idea how my mother didn't just give me up for adoption. I'm so awful to everyone including myself and I really don't feel like I deserve to live.

I was playing Paranoia with some friends from high school a few weeks ago (if you don't know what that is look it up, its a party game), and someone said that I'm "most likely to have the most interesting life story" but they're so fucking wrong. My life has been nothing but me getting fucked over by my own decisions and then blaming everyone else for it even though deep down I know that I am the only reason behind my misery. I am the reason I'm so sad and I am the reason all of my friends probably secretly hate me.

Hate is a very strong word, and I'm not a hateful person, but there is nobody in this world that I truly hate as much as I hate myself. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.

 

[DysmorphTic]

I feel you, dude. I know you said you feel like you don't deserve to live, but I think you don't deserve to suffer. I don't care how shitty you are, I mean hell, maybe it's just life that's shit and you're the one that's rational? Have you ever stopped to think why you hate yourself so much? Maybe it's because you love yourself, and you hate to see yourself suffer.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A failed attempt is a terrible feeling. Probably you weren't desperate enough just to do it and that's why your SI was so much stronger and you didn't do it in the end. Best wishes!

 

[FuneralCry]

To me that does sound like an actual suicide attempt, I certainly hate how difficult it is to die in this world, it's certainly like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering. Failing ctb is exactly what I fear but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Valky]

To answer your question: a suicide attempt can mean a lot of things :) even if the outcome of it is nothing dramatic, hurting yourself with the intend to unalive yourself can already be counted.

And I am sorry, that you feel this way. There is no shame in failing a suicide attempt. Quite the opposite. I understand your disappointment but taking your own life is really not as easy as we think. Don't be so hard on yourself. I wish you all the best <3

 

[neverwashere]

I feel you, dude. I know you said you feel like you don't deserve to live, but I think you don't deserve to suffer. I don't care how shitty you are, I mean hell, maybe it's just life that's shit and you're the one that's rational? Have you ever stopped to think why you hate yourself so much? Maybe it's because you love yourself, and you hate to see yourself suffer.

I feel like you really have a point. But at the same time, what would change if I was "rational" like you said? Because I'm still suffering, and finding someone or something to blame other than myself isn't going to fix very much. Lmao I sound like an edgy 12 year old there, but you get the point of what I'm trying to say.
And besides, the fact that I'm suffering still proves to me that I'm alive. A big part of the reason I want to CTB is to feel something and to prove to myself that I'm alive/have lived. Only living things can die so it makes sense, no?

To answer your question: a suicide attempt can mean a lot of things :) even if the outcome of it is nothing dramatic, hurting yourself with the intend to unalive yourself can already be counted.

And I am sorry, that you feel this way. There is no shame in failing a suicide attempt. Quite the opposite. I understand your disappointment but taking your own life is really not as easy as we think. Don't be so hard on yourself. I wish you all the best <3

see that's what I was thinking too but in the end I didn't even "hurt" myself. During the thing I was cutting off blood flow to my brain but that didn't cause any lasting harm, which is why I was hesitant to call it an attempt
like I feel like I need to somehow prove to myself I was being serious about it by either fully dying or coming close to it. But tbh that's probably just my impostor syndrome